The Survivalist’s Guide to an Idle Mind

“We have all the time in the world now!” Megan said, brushing her hands off on her apron. Somehow in meeting that twinkle in her brown eyes, I couldn’t be honest. I gave the best grin I could, but it was strained at best. Good enough I suppose, Meg hardly noticed as she darted past to clock out of work. Can’t really blame her. It'd been a long busy season, and today we got the first go ahead to close the bloody shop. She all but threw the apron on the hook before grabbing her jacket and heading out. 

“I’ll lock the place up,” I said. “Get on out of here!”

Again I tried to smile. I wouldn’t have been convinced, but Meg beamed enough for both of us. She was out the door before I had finished waving goodbye. Front door locked, and the open sign hung crooked with no power. One of the bulbs flickered above the shelves out front. It was a small shop, but felt like home and I had to leave it early.

I prolonged my goodbye by checking the restrooms. Not in use, lights off. Couldn't really expect anything different. This whole street felt like an evacuated ghost town. With a sigh and trudged my way through the shop. The place had shelves along the walls and a mini island of two shelves back to back. I could really only get lost in this place if I had dementia. Still, I tried my best. My stomach tried to make itself a pretzel while I scoured every inch for something, anything, some stupid thing to be out of place. Literally nothing. Give me a fricking award for perfect alignment of retail merchandise. Why does it have to be perfect when I need a mess to clean up?

I sighed and checked the back. The faucet dripped into the three sinks. But again, no dishes to clean since no bloody customers came in. As I reached to turn the water off, my hand shook like an earthquake was going to break the world. Oh well, water’s off now, just have to empty the sinks. 

I pushed my sleeve up and pulled the plug on the first sink. The water could have melted my skin off. In fact the steam blinded me as it fogged up my glasses. I’m not gonna say that it was pleasant, I’m not sick in that way. But the pain of having my hand burn like Anakin Skywalker on Mustafar did get rid of the jitters. Nothing like some good old self harm to pin your mind to reality. Bad phrasing, but not far off from the truth. Not suggesting it, those kinds of scars aren’t pretty. Trust me on that one.

The next sink might as well have been the ice bucket challenge or whatever. Fricking cold. Need me a Tauntaun to cut open and crawl inside. Yeah, I’m a nerd. I know. Sometimes it’s nice to have something to think on that isn’t existential. I watched the water drain out. It did the whole whirlpool spin thing to drain faster. Kind of stupid, cuz I didn’t want to leave but old habits take control sometimes. 

Call me goldilocks, the next sink was just right. Don’t think there’s a better definition of lukewarm than this sink of water. Well maybe my Tauntaun reference would be close, but that’s besides the point. I looked around expecting to have someone to be the victim for my stupid humor, but no one was there. I slumped my shoulders and decided to just go. Nothing more sad than not wanting to leave an already abandoned shop.

With the store locked up, I zipped up my coat and walked to the only bloody car in the parking lot. I nearly slammed the door with my shaking hands. Fumbling with the keys, I actually had to remind myself how to breathe. Inhale. Count to freaking four, and then exhale. Count to four again and bloody inhale. I got the key in and turned it halfway before stopping. I tried driving like this once. Let’s just say I don’t want to have yet another near death experience. What does today look like? A Tuesday? Nah, I sat and gripped the steering wheel like it was my long lost child. 

Nails dug into leather, and my body convulsed like a baby kicking inside a pregnant lady. Trust me, I ain’t pregnant. I don’t have the parts for that. Anyways. Twenty minutes went by and I still hadn’t left the parking lot. So screw it, I got to leave at some point. I started the car and hit play on a playlist of music. After skipping about half the songs, I landed on a depressing bop and left it. Feeling the urge, I take the long way home. 

Cornfields past me. Well… make that dead cornfields. Guess you could just say fields at that point, but specificity is the something of something or other. The beat drops in the song and there’s no one on the road. So I floored it. Speeding isn’t something I should be proud of. But hey, no cop stopped me doing sixty in a thirty five. The bad part is more so the fact that I really hadn’t wanted to stop. Something clicked inside of me eventually. Guilt maybe. Or the sound of my mother scolding me in my own imagination.

I spent the rest of the way home blushing and driving safer than a tractor on a country road. Not my finest moment, but it did distract from that swirl of thoughts bubbling in my head. I got home, locked the car and tossed my things into my room. Crashing into a chair, I rubbed my forehead and felt myself locking up. Not good. If I didn’t move at that moment, I wouldn’t have moved for the next hour. Practically rolling out of the chair, I decided to do some self help crap or something. 

I drank a glass of water, but I wasn’t thirsty. I ate a granola bar, but I wasn’t hungry. I exercised, even though I really didn’t have the energy. Nothing different. My hands were trying to phase through my arms by vibrating so much. Well, maybe a shower would help. Nothing. I tried making the water freezing cold and stupid hot. Neither really did much. I all but died on the way out. My legs wobbled and I slipped twice. 

I warmed myself a nice cup of tea, but my hands shook so much, I couldn’t get the cup to my lips. Sudoku is impossible when all the numbers are swimming on the page. So much for reading a book, or any artistic expression. Too far gone for that. I couldn’t choose a show to watch and I felt my eyes tearing up. It was barely 5pm, but with my brain being like this, I tapped out. 

Can I just say, PJ’s are the most glorious thing to have come from human ingenuity. Yet even nice and cozy in my soft pajamas, I curled up in bed and failed to sleep at all. My body trembled like a newborn baby shivering in a cold operation room. By sheer luck I managed to grab my headphones and blare some heavy metal. It’s weird, but it works. The noise drowned out my thoughts and my body legit relaxed. 

I don’t know why people like having free time. All it does is give my idle mind time to send me a nice package of conniptions and breakdowns. I would have tried to make friends if I could, but my body didn’t have the energy to get out of bed. So I stayed there. I fell asleep to the sounds of Five Finger Death Punch stifling my thoughts. I’m not gonna say my way’s for everyone. Hell, It’s not even great for me. You don’t have my problems though and I don’t have yours. I’ll survive my way, you survive yours, deal?