Single mother

This isn’t what I signed up for,” I mumbled, frozen at the foot of my baby's crib. Little Eternity wouldn’t stop crying, and I didn’t know what else to do.

“This isn’t what I signed up for,” I said a little louder in hopes that someone would hear me.

In hopes that little Eternity would stop crying and go away, and I would be happy. Happy doing what? I don’t know, but for some reason, I can’t shake the thought that I would be happy if my daughter, the female fetus whom I nurtured in my womb for 9 months, would simply just go away. I hate myself for it, loath myself even, but as I stand here watching over my baby, her almond little legs vibrating with the force of her screams and her face becoming flushed all I can think is that this isn’t what I signed up for. I’m supposed to be with HIM. We were supposed to be doing this together.

Instead, it’s just me and Eternity basking in our mutual dislike of each other. She doesn’t like me. What baby doesn’t like her mother? This one. She DOESN’T like me. Whenever I try to soothe her it seems to do the opposite. Her screams get louder, her legs shake harder, and that overwhelming thought just repeats in my head. Thisisntwhatisignedupfor thisisntwhatisignedupfor thisisntwhatisignedupfor. I try to stop the thought from running wild by pulling her closer, but that only seems to make things worse for both of us. So here I am standing over my baby watching her scream. I look a mess. My dark golden skin looks dry and cracked. My hair is coiled together in an unnavigable maze. When I realized HEwasn’t coming back I stopped caring, stopped moisturizing, stopped detangling my hair, stopped caring about everything. Especially myself.

Sometimes I ask myself. How did I get here? How did I become so pathetic? So, disgusting that even my own baby doesn’t like being around me? Sometimes I spend hours trying to figure out the answers to these questions, and other times, I don’t care. Does it matter how I got here? I’m HERE, aren’t I? In this home meant for a huge family with spiraling staircases and a grand hall, and multiple pools overlooking the world. THIS is the dream, and yet I have no one to share it with. No one but Eternity and the ghost of a man who I’m not sure was ever there. No, it was real. It had to be. That man made me feel alive, cherished, sexy. I thought that I had found what it meant to be a woman. Surely, making a man happy was my purpose. Because if I made him happy, he would do the same for me, and we’d have our fairy tale ending. I would no longer be the lost girl destined to drift into the dark abyss of this world because I’d found a man. I’d found HIM, and when he asked me to carry his baby, I was overwhelmed with joy. Yes, I’d said in the throes of passion. He filled me so completely, so absolutely, that I didn’t want to think of anything else but HIM. About what he wanted and what I wouldn’t do to get it. I would give him the stars if I could NO – I meant I would’ve given him the stars if I could’ve.

I can’t give him anything anymore. He’s gone. I tell myself he’s gone, so I won’t have to face the reality that he didn’t die of cancer. He didn’t get in a freak car accident and die. He left. The day after Eternity was born, he’d told me that we were supposed to be just having fun. That all of a sudden, things had gotten too serious too fast for him, and he had to go. He had to go NOW. My body was still all open and exposed to the dangers of this world. My vagina was still leaking blood, and his baby was sucking the life out of me every couple hours so it took me a second to register what he was saying. I remember it like it was yesterday.

……

“Kismet, this is just too much,” he said, staring at Eternity as she drank from my breast.

Me and her were close then. Inseparable even, and I was in awe of her. I couldn’t believe she was ours. I couldn’t wait to start our lives together, so at first, I didn’t pay attention to what he was saying, to what he meant.

“What?” I asked, still staring at Eternity

“We were having fun and I don’t think THIS will be fun for us” he said, gesturing with his arms towards me.

“What do you mean?” I asked finally lifting my head to look at him.

“I mean I don’t think I’m ready for this” he said and knelt close to my side of the bed.

“I-I I thought you wanted this. You said you wanted me to-

“I was in the heat of the moment Kissy. I thought in the moment that a baby would be fun but now that she’s here and the doctors talking about what to expect, I just don’t think its for me” he said looking me straight in the eyes.

“So what- so your leaving? Your leaving us?” I asked my voice cracking.

“you can have the house and I’ll send yall money and I’ll be back eventually but- I gotta go” he said and leaned over and kissed my head.

He rose up and walked out of the door - out of our lives without looking back.

……

Here I am still. Looking at my screaming baby. Frozen. Helpless. Pathetic. I often think about that day. Why didn’t I make him stay? Why didn’t I fight harder for him? Why? Why? Why? My whole life is a bunch of unanswerable questions, and I’m just tired. I’m tired of not having any answers. I finally lift Eternity into my arms, and to my surprise, the crying stops instantly. We stare at each other, and I’m struck into silence once again at her resemblance to HIM. I usually miss him 10 times harder whenever I look at her face, but right now, the feeling of longing isn’t creeping up on me. Only curiosity at the girl who’s looking at me like she knows something I don’t. Like she has all the answers and she’s waiting on me to figure it out. Maybe she doesn’t hate me. Maybe she never did. Maybe she’s just been waiting. Waiting for me to finally have the answers. I walk over to our rocking chair and hold her closer, tighter, because right now I don’t want her to go away. I want her to stay right here in my arms until I figure out the answer.