The Biggest

(Adjusting the microphone)

"How do I- Oh? Is it on?... Thank you, Paul. Technology, am I right?

Anyway, let's get to it. Sazi and Dave; What a total surprise, huh? I remember the first time they met. We were still living in that shitty apartment downtown. Next to the hot pot restaurant. What was it called again?... Yeah, that's the one. God, I hated that place. But you loved it, didn't you, Saz? Used to call it your 'bread and butter'. Say, when was the last time you ate there? Or at any place that charges you by the pound?... Oh well, I'm getting sidetracked. It's not my fault, though. I told you that I was no good at speeches...

Where was I? Ah, yes. The day you met Dave. Or as I like to call it; the day Dave met you. Because let's be honest, he wasn't much before you came along. Sure, he had the money, car, and house, but his personality wasn't quite there yet. Not much of a looker either, am I right? And you... Well, you were everything, weren't you Saz? Dressed in that tiny red dress and those ridiculously large hoops of yours.

You know, I always told Lynn that you're the only person in the world who could wear hoops that big. If it was anyone else, the hoops would be wearing them. But you had a smile to match the gold. It was your first date since you moved to the US. 'Your first date with a white guy' is what you said. And this lucky fucker- Dave of all people- he snatched you right up. You were so smitten. I could hardly believe it. Still can't if I'm being truthful. As boring as you claimed he was, you ran right into his arms. It was so... bizarre. I didn't think you'd last a week.

But then a month passed and you were calling him your boyfriend. That title came with roses, perfume and a brand-new flatiron. You'd complained about your hair to him once so he found you the perfect solution. And they say romance is dead, huh? That was the first time you straightened your hair. Or rather, the first time I straightened your hair. Oh, it was such a disaster! Remember how the back almost burnt off?... But we pushed through, didn't we? It didn't look too good but we managed. Although, you're doing a much better job on your own. Or is Dave paying for you to go to the salon? ...What?... You're going to a hairdresser now? ...Which one?... Never heard of it. You'll have to tell me about it later.

Anyways, that's how I remember the first month of Sazi and Dave: the flat-iron. Then went the second, third and fourth months with all their varying gifts... Until six months had passed and she started talking about meeting his family. She didn't wear the tiny red dress or big hoops this time. She put on a modest, pink sundress that Dave had gotten her. It baffled me, that dress. It just wasn't her. The length- the shape- the colour... I said she looked like a Barbie. She didn't appreciate the comment.

But you did look like a Barbie, Saz. Still do. More so now than ever. I mean, look at that puffy, white dress of yours. Is it comfortable?... Oh, really?... Doesn't look like it. But it is real pretty. Isn't it Dave? Yeah, I bet you can't wait to tear it right off.

Oh, relax! I'm only kidding. This is a party, right? I'm allowed to make a joke or two. Plus, you know me. Shouldn't have asked me to give a speech if you didn't want me to be honest. Especially with all this free champagne you're giving out. What is this? Prosecco?... Wow, you really went all out, didn't you?

It doesn't surprise me, though, Sazi's always loved fancy things. It's why you moved all the way out here, isn't it? You told me that Jo-burg just wasn't doing it for you anymore. You wanted the Big Apple. And yet... forgive me for laughing... you're marrying Dave? Oh, the irony.

Calm down, Dave. I'm only teasing. You're more than welcome to do the same to me at my wedding. But I'm not quite sure who I'm supposed to marry. They say it should be your best friend but my best friend's gone and chosen you, hasn't she? Ah, you lucky fuck.

I'm not sure that some of you understand what a big deal this is. We're at a wedding! Sazi and Dave's wedding! They've tied the knot!... I mean, it's insanity, isn't it? They've chosen to be together every- single- day! I understand why Dave would want that. I used to live with Sazi; spending every day with her is amazing. But spending every single day with Dave... wow. To each their own, I guess.

Huh? What's that, Saz?... Sorry. I'll ease up now. It must be the champagne. You always did say that expensive alcohol turned me into a bitch. Which is true. You always were good at telling me the truth, weren't you?

Sazi and I never used to lie to each other. We were each other's confidantes. Dave took that position from me, but that was to be expected. I'm not mad, of course. He's your husband. I'm happy that you have someone to share your life with. But I wonder... why couldn't it have been me?

I mean, you fit so perfectly into my life, Sazi. It was a small life in a shitty apartment but those four walls were all yours, if you'd only chosen to stay in them. But with Dave...

With Dave, you had to change. You had to cut yourself to fit into his stupid, picturesque puzzle. It's a big life, but it makes you so so small.

Seriously! Look at you! Look at how small you are!

Your food is small! It comes in those ridiculously expensive plates but I know that it doesn't fill you like the hot pot used to. Your hair is small; You've taken all that beauty and shrunk it down to a basic bob which makes no sense because you hate bobs! Your body is small, your smile is small, your laughter is small... Even your name is small now.

Do any of these people know that Sazi is something Dave came up with? Because he couldn't even be bothered to try pronouncing your real name?

But I tried, didn't I? I spent every single moment practising since the day we met. You used to laugh at me for stumbling over the letters but I got it right eventually. I thought it was the bare minimum; that you'd want to marry someone who puts in that kind of effort. But it seems I was wrong.

...Don't cry. It's your wedding day.

Come on, let's raise a glass. To Dave and Nkosazana...

I wish you nothing but the biggest.