Weed in the Garden

The darkness first took root 2 years ago, like an unimposing weed buried quietly in the garden. I thought nothing of it at first, attributing the momentary lapses in mood and concentration to my strenuous job - just another symptom of 21st century Corporate America, a struggle shared by white-collar workers everywhere. But what did I care? I was meeting my performance targets comfortably, collecting bonus checks and lavish praise from my boss. I was able to provide for Jenny and Asiah. Nothing was amiss! Life was, 98% of the time, quite good.

Jerry started becoming more distant with us - I first noticed it about 2 years ago. He started coming home from work more exhausted and drained than usual. Instead of greeting me with my usual kiss on the cheek, he could only manage a small smile before shuffling off to the living room and collapsing in front of the TV. Instead of picking up a delighted Asiah and twirling her around, he would pat her head. "Daddy's had a long day", he would say. "We'll play later, OK?". I couldn't understand what had happened. He seemed to love his job, he really liked his coworkers … so was he cheating on me? The thought filled me with dread...

Daddy doesn't play with me anymore. Mommy says he's just tired because his work is so important but he used to play with me all the time! Now, mommy plays with me but I really miss playing with daddy. I wish his work wasn't so important so he would have more time to play with me...

But little by little, the darkness started spreading. Like a weed which slowly but surely chokes all the roses in the garden, the darkness took a cancerous hold in my life. I had trouble waking up. I had trouble falling asleep. I had trouble focusing on work. I had trouble relaxing. Jenny started noticing that something was off - when I wouldn't be able to finish dinner, when I lost interest in sex, when I stopped practicing the guitar like I'd been doing for years. I felt … embarrassed, useless, a burden. I tried to cajole myself out of the darkness many times. But weeds can be unforgiving.

He was depressed. There's no question about it. He became … lifeless. Going through the motions without any passion, hanging onto his job like it was a life raft. Seeing the amount of pain he was in, I'd never felt so helpless in my life. At least cheating could be addressed in marriage counselling. But this? I had no idea what to do. After we tucked Asiah to bed, he would spend hours awake late into the night, no matter how much I pleaded with him to get some rest. One day while cleaning, I found an empty bottle of vodka. He swore up and down that he wasn't drinking, but I didn't believe him.

I heard mommy yell at daddy for the first time yesterday. I ran into my room and closed the door and pulled the covers over my head. Please stop fighting, please stop fighting, I kept saying to myself. I put my hands over my ears and squeezed my eyes shut. I'm scared that mommy and daddy might leave each other. Charlotte said that her mommy and daddy devo - diver - divorced? I don't WANT mommy and daddy to get a divorce!

My work started getting affected. Perhaps that was inevitable. My metrics started slipping, my deadlines were being missed, my clients started shopping around. So of course, I was benched. It was the final nail in the coffin for me - I couldn't deal with my family, I couldn't deal with my hobbies, and now I couldn't even deal with my job. I took up odd jobs working retail, warehousing and factory, but couldn't even perform in those. My world was spiraling out of control. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, and it seemed like there was only 1 thing left to do.

December 7th, 2:08am. The horrors of that night will be forever branded into my memory, although I only remember flashes of it. The phone ringing shrilly. An EMT informing me that Jerry was being rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Me rushing to get dressed. Dropping off a bewildered Asiah with a shocked neighbor. Speeding 20 miles over the speed limit on route the hospital. Sprinting into the building in time to see Jerry, bleeding and broken, being wheeled into the OR. And then, just black.

Mrs. Wheeler is very nice. She gave me some chocolate cake and let me watch TV even though it is night! But she looks really scared, and keeps looking at her phone. Mommy said that daddy was hurt and that she was going to take care of him, and Mrs. Wheeler said that he would be fine. No one will tell me how daddy got hurt, though...

The bridge was empty and the moon was shining. I closed my eyes and smiled, swaying in the gentle breeze, but keeping a firm hold on the bottle of rum in my hand. Definitely not the worst day to die, I think. But I don't look down, fearing that I would lose my nerve. Instead, I stared straight ahead, at the twinkling stars on the horizon. My death will make sure that Jenny and Asiah get taken care of. A tear slips through. And then, I fall.

9 months later, and Jerry still doesn't have a job. But he's … happy. He waked up early and cooks breakfast for us all. He spends more time with Asiah than he ever did before. And he loves me more than ever. The doctors said he might walk with a limp for the rest of his life, but I don't think he minds. Yesterday, I heard him play the guitar for the first time in ages. The sparkle in his eyes is back, his laughter is contagious, and his smile could light up the bottom of the ocean. I look at him everyday in wonder - he is indeed the man I fell in love with.

Daddy took me out to the garden today. He said he was going to show me something very important. He limps when he walks, but he lets me hold his hand. We walked over to a very, very, very big weed in the back of the garden. "Grab it and yank it out", he said. But I couldn't. The weed was too deep, but he smiled and said, "Let's do it together". And we pulled and pulled and pulled, and the weed came out! And then he kneeled next to me and said "when the people you love are with you, no weed is too deep".