Eva

Trigger Warning- sexual content and violence

Her eyes screamed in silence, her lips parting like the red sea and her moan was explicit. My kisses trailed down her abdomen, past her navel and to her inner thighs. As I reached the mouth of her moisture, my rapid heavy breathing makes her twitch wildly. She begged for release but I jolted awake. The dream had made me frothing and left me gasping for air. It made me wonder to myself why I have these dreams, is it because I'm living a lie? Here I lay next to my wife, as she begins to stir, her arm wrapping around me, yet I still feel alone. Eva says she loves me one minute and the next shes packing her bags to leave me. So, maybe my dream is just a way of validation for myself. A way for me to keep believing in this fantasy that I've built around me. My whole life has been a lie really, at least my love life. I just thought this relationship with the person im deeply infatuated with, who i would die without, was different. Growing up, I never really had the best examples for a healthy relationship or healthy love because my parents were toxic for each other. It was like a war zone in our house and it gave me shell shock. I believe that is what makes me so afraid of love.

Eva is completely different from anyone I've ever been with. I didn't always know what I wanted in a life partner, male or female, all I knew is I wanted true love. It wasn't until i started my journey to find myself when I realized I was attracted to women. My first was a pearl white, voluptuous woman, who was demanding and narcissistic. She was all about herself. She was married but really wanted to experiment and wanted to do so with me. My first time, I had know idea what I was doing but she told me it was amazing. Our relationship if you could call it that was pure sex because things were very straightforward and when I got roommates it ended. My roommates and I all experimented as well and I found out what sensuality was but the drama was too much, and I decided to only be with one. We moved into a place of our own and got married which led to an annulment in a months time. This left me very confused and I lost a lot but nowhere near what I lost through my second marriage ending in divorce. I had needed time to rebuild myself again and who I was, identity wise. The one piece of these relationships that was missing was love. It wasn't until I was face to face with Eva that I found true love only seen in movies. When I saw her my heart dropped to the bottom of my stomach, my hands were clamoring and I couldn't breathe. Eventually things just felt so natural with her and i began to know the importance of romance. Every time she touched me here, I would feel it there and every time I touched her anywhere, I felt it everywhere. Every day is a new adventure but some how i still feel empty. Is it possible that because of my life growing up and the lack of love around me, that I wouldn't know love if it smacked me in the face?

As a child, I didn't have the perfect home or the best of parents because they were distant from each other. My father never kissed my mom in front of anyone let alone me or brought her flowers and chocolate. My mom, never held his hand or showed any affection to anyone and definitely didn't seem to have emotional attachments. The only time they spent together was when they fought. It was always physically and verbally abusive in our home, like a war but between lovers. There was one evening when my father came home slamming the door, i ran to my room to hide because he scared me when he was mad. I could hear him yelling at my mom and felt the slap she gave him from my corner. My mom came running into my room, picking me up and running for the door, no sooner did we get out the door did my father come rushing behind her and pushed us clear down the stairs. These are the examples I had growing up so how could I ever know what love really is?

The only example I had was my hero, my grandfather and the way he loved me. He told me stories about when he courted my grandmother and my heart fluttered with joy each one. He spent hours teaching me how to respect women and men alike. He also showed me how to be romantic and he even had me cuddle up beside him watching classics, while he told me that I'd change the world one day. My grandfather was the only one to give me hugs or tuck me into bed and tell me he was proud of me. I was his wingman while they were dating his second wife and the flower girl in his wedding. He used to bring her beautiful bouquets of roses and hold her hand while walking around. They would laugh and smile together, even if there was no real reason. I try to instill this in my relationship with Eva, yet we always argue. Though its never physical, its still emotionally abusive on both sides. I know its because im frightened and the trauma from my childhood is the reason for that fear. I don't know if I'll ever really not be scared but when im with Eva that fear melts away more so than ever. Making love to her is like flying through heaven. So, is my life really a lie? 

My dreams of us should just be inspiration right because they are relationship goals? My projection of my past on our relationship puts so much pressure on us and makes things harder. Yet when we aren't arguing she makes me feel like im floating on cloud nine. I may see love a different way but she is my true love and true love is just a natural form of gravity.