As Sweet as Poison

Their first kiss was as sweet as honey. But the second one was poison. He tried to grab her waist in a way that she didn’t like, and slide his hands towards places he shouldn’t have – he was soft enough not to be forceful, but firm enough to push her boundaries.

In the end she did things that she wasn’t comfortable doing. You’d think that would have been the end. That she would have dumped him, or spoken up against him. But it wasn’t as simple as that. She was confused, not knowing how to feel, because he comforted her with a reassuring smile afterward. He told her that he was sorry, and that it wouldn’t happen again.

After all, it was their second kiss, his hands had gotten a little slippery - and she didn’t think it was that big of a deal.

That should have been the first red flag. But she genuinely believed him when he’d apologised. Although she couldn’t deny that there was a soft voice in her head telling her to be wary. But that voice was quite easy to silence. She really liked him. And he told her he liked her back. She didn’t want that to be a lie. When she was around him she felt wanted, validated, precious. But the reality was that she was caught in the snare that his lips and venomous tongue had created, the trap that it had weaved about her.

Pushing her boundaries had been a one off incident, until it turned into a regular thing. She should have known. There was intention and calculation in his eyes. He touched her warmly after he got what he wanted. He filled the air with apologies and compliments. That’s what made it worse. He knew where the line was, and every time he was about to push her over it - he bade her back with airy hands and soft pampering. And she trusted his apologies, and his words. Every time.

By the time he asked her to move in with him, well, it’s safe to say that some doubts had arisen. But he’d tightened his grip around her like an ice cold chain. With every passing moment he spent with her, every minute that ticked by, he was able to push her line further and further back until the chances of actually crossing it were almost non-existent. He’d begun to show signs of aggression by that point, because he knew he could get away with more than just touching her in places she didn’t want to be touched. He also knew that to control her, he had to make her fearful.

In the end she agreed to move in with him.

He told her that things would certainly get better once they were living in the same house, under the same roof. He told her that he only got angry because he was doing all the work to keep the relationship together. That would change once they moved in together, because she would be able to take care of him. She hardly believed what he said anymore, but she also hardly had the courage to speak out against him. She convinced herself that things had got as bad as they ever could; she’d seen the worst of him.

Oh how mistaken she was.

She couldn’t have imagined how things would change once they were living together. When she been on her own, she’d still had some degree of freedom. But now all of that seemed to have been taken away from her, both physically and mentally. It wasn’t like he was criticising her twenty-four seven, belittling her or yelling at her all day. There were times when they’d smile, times when they’d laugh. But she was only happy because for a small time, while he was in a good mood, she was safe. She laughed with him because as long as she laughed she wouldn’t get hurt. But she was never really safe; safety was a high that she chased, a drug which would eventually wear off, sooner or later. At some point she’d say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, and then he’d change. It would happen in seconds.

You’re probably wondering how none of her friends knew what was going on, or her family. Why didn’t they do something. The truth was that he was very good at hiding his true self. And the few red flags that did appear, well, nobody wants to go up to their best friend and tell them to end their relationship. It’s just a little bit awkward, especially when you really only have small things to criticise. He always got the benefit of the doubt when it came to them. And with her parents; it was safe to say that he was on his best behaviour when they were around. But she also knew the script - what to say in front of them, and what not to say. She also knew what would happen when they got home if she deviated from it.

Though he did eventually succeed in creating a gap between her and her friends and family. He was hesitant for a while because he knew that they had influence over her - but when he recognised that his influence was growing and growing, and their influence was shrinking, he began to plant the seeds in her mind. He talked to her about how her friends were bad, how her family were never there for her. It was all about trying to control her. She pushed back against his ideas at first, because he seemed to be communicating them gently, as if he was on her side. But the more she pushed back, the more adamant he became. It got to the point where he accused her friends of getting in between their relationship; of trying to break them up. And after that she stopped speaking to them entirely.

Well it turns out that her friends eventually did see the red flags and called him out for being what he was. She received messages from them warning her to get out of there, to pack up and leave. She replied but only replied to defend him. Yet he hit her anyway when he had discovered them a few days later. Her friends weren’t around to see thE dark blue bruises on her face.

It’s usually psychologically the case that the more you get pulled down by a negative force, the more you give it power, the harder it is to escape. A bad diet, smoking, gambling, and of course, an abusive relationship. That’s because the longer you spend sinking, the more time you feel like you’ve invested in it, the more you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom and things can only get up, but you don’t realise that you can actually sink much much further.

So it could have ended one of two ways for her: she stayed with him.

Her friends eventually gave up; they thought she was stupid for staying with such a low-life, and any abuse that came her way was her own fault. Her family, although softer in the way they presented it, essentially felt the same way. In terms of their life together, well, he owned her car, her phone, her computer. He controlled what she watched, what she ate and who she spoke to. She had no friends, none who really cared for her. They did have kids eventually, and he would abuse them too. He would develop a drinking and gambling addiction, and spend all the money that she worked so hard to bring home. How could one small kiss have turned into all this. Needless to say it was a dark reality.

So it could have ended one of two ways for her: she left him.

Her friends were there for her. They persisted. They persisted no matter how hard she tried to push them away. And her family did the same. Eventually they fostered a safe space for her, a space where she could speak, where she could be sure that nothing would reach his ears. It took a while, and it wasn’t easy, but she packed her things and got out of there as quickly as she could.

The ghost of him haunted her for a while, longer than she would have liked. But she got therapy and that really did help. Eventually she met someone else and the memory of him faded, but it never disappeared entirely. She was much more cautious when dating, but this new guy treated her much better than she ever could have imagined a guy would treat her.

As for her abuser, well she spoke out against him. The police said that there was enough evidence for her to take him to court three different times - but she really didn’t want to have to testify more than she had to. He got locked up. For a long time.

Although certain things still triggered her anxiety; overall she felt like her life was worth living.

***

Remember, a snake isn’t dangerous until it wraps its body tightly around you and sinks its fangs into your skin, and a spider is harmless until it bites you. What option are you going to choose; are you going to take care of yourself, or are you going to give power to your abuser. Are you going to help your friends, or are you going to cut them off during their darkest times.