Fall into Ashes

It had been nearly a year. 10 months ago, a life full of promise and hope, had ended abruptly. Not a physical life…but a shared one. A life with another person. People say that when a relationship ends, it can feel similar to the grief someone feels when mourning a loved one who has passed. A void. One that persists…unsure of when that cavity will be filled, if ever.

That’s how it was for Phoenix. Phoenix met Lily his junior year of high school, during an archetypal period of insecurity and uncertainty. The world felt intimidating to someone who never had a firm foundation to stand on. Friend groups had already come and went. Like many his age, a stressed home life, whether his parents noticed it or not, mixed with the slow realization that his time as a “kid” was coming to an end. Soon he would have to decide the kind of person he would want to carry himself as.

Lily and Phoenix shared a world language class together. Lily was a grade below Phoenix, and could vanish into a crowd if she chose to. She often chose to. She was not someone who ever wanted to stand out, or seem abnormal. The first few months of class the two barely spoke, only sporadic “Hi, How are you?” followed by the formality of small talk about work or which party was happening that weekend.

It was in these moments that Phoenix noticed Lily’s most striking feature…her eyes. Big, brown, beautiful eyes, that hid within them dozens of stories. Stories of childhood trauma that gave way to adolescent fears of acceptance. Lily's eyes went deeper than that, offering an inviting, comfort that Phoenix hadn’t experienced before. He wouldn’t know it now, but those eyes would often be fixed on him…glancing away only as his own eyes attempted to make contact across the room.

This game continued for Phoenix’s entire junior year. Senior year was just starting, with a fateful development, the two now shared 2 classes together, world language and government. Conversation between them had also grown into something more, though the tone had shifted. At the end of junior year, Phoenix had met a girlfriend through a friend, and the two had dated for a few months. This girlfriend was off to college, and the two had promised to make things work. However things inevitably soured, and the two split.

The break up caused Phoenix to fall into a depression, not aided by his skin medication, which in bold letters read; “WARNING, DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS ARE COMMON SIDE AFFECTS…”. Lily had become a confidant for Phoenix, someone he could trust. Someone who related and understood the experience Phoenix was going through. Though it pained Lily to watch Phoenix have this relationship with another person, she still supported him now. Lily’s eyes became more and more forgiving for Phoenix…and he began to wonder what stories those eyes hid.

The inciting incident came when, due to laziness mixed with declining mental health, Phoenix had fallen behind in his classes. He was about to fail his last quarter as a senior, if he didn’t complete his final government project. Lily was kind enough to lend her notebook to Phoenix so he could study it and complete his project. This, along with an exchange of numbers, snapchats, and other social media, connected the two even further.

That summer the two texted regularly, often deciding to meet each other at night. Both had confessed to being night owls, bonding over the shared experience of rebellious teenagers. Some nights they would share a pack of American Spirits, find a nice spot down by the lake to sit and talk. Talk for what seemed like hours on any subject they could think of. Many conversations, stories and cigarettes later, the two would part ways, sometimes sharing an embrace, other times an unsure kiss.

One night the two happened to run into each other at a local, chain grocery/convenience store, and decided to continue the night together. They drove around for hours, well into the night. Eventually, they decided to park their car in a parking lot of a local baseball complex. Phoenix and Lily continued to talk, and Lily revealed to Phoenix a side he had never seen before. Lily confessed that she had always dreamed of being a writer, someone who wrote stories that captivated the reader. Stories that were hard hitting, deeply profound, and filled with emotion. She stated that she had been writing her whole life, yet rarely told anyone about this passion. As Lily gushed over the thought of what could be in her future, Phoenix noticed a new light begin to shine in her eyes. She had always claimed to be a realist, someone who saw the world as it was, not as she wanted it to be.

Phoenix now saw the semblance of a person who dreams. Someone who longs to break out of a shell. A shell that, knowingly or not, had been placed on her, by her friends, family, and, to a degree, herself. She was trapped in it, but still longed for escape into the possible future she had dreamed.

He also saw the reflection of red and blue lights in her eyes, followed by the shriek of a police siren. The two had parked in a lot that had been experiencing almost nightly break ins, and were now the prime suspects. Once the police spoke with the two it was clear they were not trying to steal anything, but were certainly out well plast curfew, and on private property. The two were ticked and separated, ending their night, with calls home and furious parents. Eventually, the fear and embarrassment of this night would fade, and all that was left for Phoenix was the light he had seen in Lily's eyes.  

As summer came to a close, Phoenix and Lily’s time had begun to run out. Phoenix had committed to going to a school about 40 miles away and living on campus, while Lily had to finish her senior year of high school. Phoenix began to have flashes of his previous relationship, and feared the hurt that he would cause Lily if he ended their budding relationship. The two had not made their arrangement official, though it was clear the two harbored feelings for each other.

Phoenix decided to end the relationship, and told Lily they could not see each other anymore, in his mind sparing her pain. In reality, protecting himself from what he perceived as inevitable heartbreak.

After their goodbye, Phoenix would move to college and do his best to forget Lily, a vain attempt of wiping her meme from his subconscious. He conceded to act as if it never happened, the conversations they shared…the laughs…all of it. Phoenix knew that these attempts were useless, but it had always been how he processed emotion. Push them out and forget. He convinced himself that this would cure the guilt he felt for hurting Lily.

Over Christmas break, Phoenix returned home to spend the holiday with his family. Driving home, a song played that unpacked all the skeletons that Phoenix had tucked away in his mind. It instantly took him back to those summer nights with Lily, listening to her sing along shyly as he belted out the lyrics. He felt compelled to reach out to Lily, for the first time in months.

They texted back and forth, and decided to meet up. They spent the night together parked in Lily’s car outside Phoenix’s parent’s house, something they had perfected the previous summer. The lamp post that held the single iridescent light to illumante the street, had long since burnt out, leaving the street in total darkness. In Lily’s car that night, the two made up for lost time, in ways that only young lovers could. 

Their reunion was the start of something greater, whether they knew it or not. It was not the birth of a new relationship but the continuation of an old one, one that both did not want to lose, but were too proud to say otherwise. The two continued to meet up in the late hours of the night, as Bob Segar’s Night Moves played over the sound of gasping breaths and intimate laughter. Phoenix had decided to move back home and attend a local college, while Lily had decided to attend a larger, more prestigious school. 

Lily would now need to move away. 

The two refused to admit the feelings they had for one another, but continued to see each other as often as they could. Texting regularly, the two continued to speak, becoming nearly inseparable from each other, though, physically, 100 miles apart. Recounting stories with each other that caused laughs on both sides of their respective phones. Similar to laughs once filtered through the butt of a cigarette, 2 years prior. 

One night, towards the end of Lily’s first year in school, Phoenix finally admitted the feelings he had been harboring for Lily. Lily shared the same sentiment, and the two officially began dating. What once were late night rendezvous, had now morphed into lunch dates. Planning trips to art museums, concerts, or spending nights together doing their best to remain focused on the movie they had chosen to watch. They planned introductions to each other's families and attended holiday parties. Through all of this Phoenix continued to be amazed by the eyes he first encountered years ago. He now longed for eye-contact. Eye-contact that was now followed by an impassioned kiss, or a playful smile, depending on the company. Lily’s eyes had become intoxicating to Phoenix, and both reviled in this power they held over each other. 

 Years would pass. Phoenix graduated from college with a degree in education. He had begun searching for a job in the area. Lily continued to attend her school, only one year left before she too would graduate and begin searching for a career. During the later months of Lily’s final year of college, she had grown uncertain of herself. Anxiety and depression had taken its hold on her again, like it had years ago in her youth. Many sleepless nights mixed with anxiety attacks, induced by fear of the future, began taking its toll on Lily. Phoenix had noticed these changes and was desperate to do what he could for his partner. 

The once beautiful brown eyes that looked at Phoenix, ones that used to be filled with life and a spark…now seemed cold.

 Tired eyes.

 Eyes of a person who was doing their best to endure… To survive.

 One day, a month before Lily’s graduation, she told Phoenix she had been considering a break in the relationship. She confessed that she could no longer put effort into a relationship in her current mental state. Horrified, Phoenix told Lily that he doesn't want this, and will do whatever he can to support her through this time. Lily had to explain that what is wrong with her right now is not something that the two of them can fix. Though the two had supported each other through similar incidents, this was something more. 

Her growth had felt stunted. 

After hearing the certainty in her voice, Phoenix agreed to the break. The two decided that they would refrain from texting each other throughout the week. Saving their conversation for Sundays. Lily had never given Phoenix a reason not to trust her, so he believed her when she said that this break was what she needed. He gritted his teeth and did what he could to support Lily.

Their break lasted a month. At the end of the month Lily asked if the two could talk about things that Sunday. Phoenix was nervous, but relished any opportunity to speak with Lily. Lily began to explain again that everything that had happened was not due to anything that Phoenix had done, but instead it was something that she was feeling within herself. The break had made her realize that, outside of their relationship, she had no concept of who she was anymore. Her sense of identity had been lost. Since the two had been together for years, she didn’t know a life without Phoenix. 

Her request to Phoenix was that they end their relationship. Not out of spite, or lost feelings, or anything of the sort. Instead, she felt as if she needed the relationship to end in order for her to find herself again, in order to determine what kind of person she wished to be, and what it meant to be that person. 

Fear and panic engulfed Phoenix’s mind.

The rush of memories that the two had built together over the course of their relationship ravaged his consciousness. Instantly, he was transported back to when he put Lily in nearly the same situation, admittedly with much less grace and humility that Lily was now displaying.

The exchange of a notebook in class…

The passionate nights in summer rain…

The trips to art museums…

The joy of their shared experience, the laughter…

The warm, brown eyes…

All of them are now gone. Burnt in an inferno, like a leaf falling into a campfire.

Suddenly a realization singed itself into the dark matter of Phoenix’s brain. Was this the closing of the cycle, one that had started all those years ago, in a world language class in high school. Or, was this the beginning of a new cycle?

Phoenix steeled himself, as a sense of clarity rose above the heartbreak and pain. It had become clear what Phoenix needed to do, not for himself, but for the person he loved. He grabbed his phone, and typed one simple phrase as an answer to her request…through the tears clouding his eyes…

“You’ll never know…unless you try.”