My Unknown Dark Side

You want to know the truth? I will probably write most prompts about my inner side, and experiences, because I can’t help but analyze me all the time, and the worst? I don’t even know it. Though maybe the weird thing is that I’m not even sure I won’t ever know what my dark side is, even if I’m fighting it or embracing it. A lot of people say we should accept our flaws, and I think I somehow do that. Are Our defaults part of that dark side? Perhaps, but I am 45, wondering about the reason for my existence. And honestly I’m starting to be tired. Quite ironic.

Sometimes I want to feel grateful, because I have a good life that probably most people would like to acquire; a professional career job that is ok, economic independence, a family, sometimes I see my friends, and living on my own. But somehow, I don’t really feel like that, and I hate it.

You know? When I was little I felt that I didn’t really belong anywhere. My family is so different to me, they’re more noisy. Most times I never understood anything at school. It was very hard for me to pass the exams, and to focus, even going to a therapist, but they rarely helped me. It was so difficult for me to make an effort in so many aspects, and my family wasn’t helping, actually they used to undervalue me all the time. I don’t like to say that they didn’t love me, because I think they did it in their way. Adding to that negative environment, it was the constant yelling from my father, then my mother, and my sisters. The only thing I concluded is that maybe that’s the reason that I began suppressing my anger and other emotions, I hardly remember showing my upsetting moments. Though the truth is that I barely remember anything in my life. That’s so weird!

Then at school it wasn’t easy for me to socialize, unless there was someone very talkative with me. I am not very sure if I was shy, probably reserved. But with time, the Bullying was about to show up, and in different moments and places. As you can imagine this made me become an untrusting person. From a very young age, I had to control my emotions and wear many masks, so that anyone else could hurt me. You don’t notice how someone will disappoint you next, for this reason I was always aware of that. Living this way, is not really living, you agree? Thus, as a teenager, my plan was another one. I wanted to feel normal, with friends and go out…., even though my past experiences weren’t cool. However, I managed to survive by drinking alcohol, I started pretty young, at 13 and also smoking cigarettes. Yeah I know, not good. Whatever people might think, that really saved me, to socialize and seem cooler. This idea was the best!

One thing I haven’t mentioned is that I started writing a diary when I was 9 years old. And this was my “sober” salvation. But as you know it was private. One might think that with this method, I could get off my chest and everything would be solved, but I can assure you it doesn’t work like that. Nevertheless this is going to be the first time, aside from my blog, that I will talk about it, because there are moments that I read it, to see the way I was, and it makes me sad to see that I was all the time criticizing everybody, even myself. I didn’t like myself at all, and nobody around. Why?

The most shocking thing is that I got to evolve, in contrast with my rebel side: I used to steal magazines, sweets of all kinds…, if you think about it it’s a bit silly, we weren’t poor. But until a moment that my mother almost caught me 2 times I didn’t stop. The most rebellious action was to play truants and how easy I could lie to everyone. Even if you determine this was horrible, there were other biggest issues, like friends fights, leading to separations, due to the fact that they got into hands, believe or not, that was not my case. Fighting for boys, in my opinion, it’s stupid. But, that’s the system it was, and how my friendship relations also evolved, with better influences. But before this happened it came to my mind the darkest thought someone can have: the suicide. When I look back at that, it’s even no sense, just childish reasons, rejections from boys, “friends”, failed exams, feeling nobody really loved me, liked me, or worthless. At the time (1997) taking pills was one of the options, so that I did. The next morning I couldn’t get up, feeling weirdly stoned, like fainted. At the Emergency Department, after around 14 hours that I took the tablets, the doctors saw nothing. My only argument is that I had dinner and everything got away,… I felt I had to tell my mother because she couldn’t understand what happened. Never felt more embarrassed, and shocked at the same time, seeing that she actually was really comprehensive with my Teen period, and telling me that life is hard. To my surprise this was the first time I felt thankful for having her in my life.

One might think after this, life could get better, but it wasn’t like that. Again it wasn’t the worst, but when I thought about my next step into growing up and go to college, the only moment I felt great was singing, and I went to castings and contests, nonetheless the shadow of the rejections were all around, and with my low self esteem and the harsh critics of my family, especially my mother’s, my little voice faded, becoming this in a hidden dream.

I like to think that it’s not supposed to be, because I actually have tried several times with different music producers, but nothing really happens. Deep down I can’t help thinking about all those celebrities, with dark experiences, would I have fallen into those drugs issues? And the other addictions? Definitely I was in the middle, my weekends were drowned of alcohol, I admit it. Though I’ve never considered some kind of alcoholism; during the rest of the week drinking wasn’t in my interest.

But I don’t want to expand on this, because right after “giving up” on my dream, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness. This was an important part of my life, at the beginning of it I was so ignorant about everything regarding it, and I made mistake after mistake, provoking me an urgent surgery, and here is when I totally saw the consequences of taking more than 10 prescription pills and no sleeping. My head was non stop working, thinking always the worst, and for the second time, even the suicide, with some kind of a master plan, I even wrote the goodbye note! However, luckily I fell asleep, after almost 4 days…, my body couldn’t resist. And the rest of the days were chaotic, I couldn’t control those sleeping instants, we lost a flight, because the colostomy-ileostomy was in Oxford, and our English wasn’t the best either. So, as you can see everything played against me: the insecurities with the language (because I am Spanish), the lack of worth, unhealthy, ignorance, innocence, and so on.

Back home, I got even more blue, my friends continued with their life, their boyfriends, cool lifestyles, and they were even complaining. They just had no idea what a sad life was, but mine. You probably think I’m exaggerating, but at that time I had the Colostomy Bag, and it’s disgusting to have it at 24. A lot of time had to pass and 2 surgeries more, to get better. The only good news was that after all, I got to have new friends to go out with, because the other ones just cared about their guys. Can you believe that? It actually took me a long time to accept this, but whatever! It’s a part of this life apparently, to prioritize your partner over your long time friends. Meanwhile my new friends were more comprehensive, and this was like a second chance for a new future.

This could seem like a happy ending, but it wasn’t. It took only 3 months until another issue was about to come; intimate problems with guys. And even nowadays that is still a complication; my explanation for being single. And not only enough, it was about time to develop my biggest addiction: fast food. It’s quite ironic. I have no colon, but yet I keep on eating unhealthily until today. It may seem not really dark for you, what’s in your mind? Tell you that my darkest thoughts up to now; I have no idea how to solve any of this. Trying weird things, seeking to read stuff, but there’s so much emptiness inside of me, that I really don’t know what is wrong deep down. Feeling like my desired life is in my head when I’m alone, and then unsatisfied by the real world, crying when talking about this, and not being able to show it off by expressing myself out loud. Trembling when I’m upset. Can anyone explain this? Sometimes I’ve heard about some light drugs, herbs to clarify yourself (e.g. LSD), but that makes me afraid. I suspect I can easily hallucinate, so maybe if I try that, I could regret it too much, imagining monsters or something similar and ending up killing myself. Even one day I dreamt someone wanted to kill me, and most times dreaming about escaping, and waking up so scared… So yes, I admit, I am a bit afraid of myself, of my dark side, that maybe I have kept back since a kid, and who knows how it can really be. Do you ever feel this way? Definitely I could be fighting against my inner demons throughout all my life, which I don’t know at all.