Eyes In The Dark

She…

        The Dark came when everyone least expected it. No one saw it creeping in on the horizon, there were no warning signs to be read, it was suddenly just there; slamming into us fast, violent and unforgiving, settling over us like a heavy cloud.

   I remember screaming and crying when the news came; begging for it not to be true, for them to do something, anything… but no matter who I pleaded with, the answer was always the same: Sorry, but there’s nothing we can do. I would’ve clawed at my face until it bled if my mother hadn’t gathered me into her arms and held me, wiping at the tears that should have fallen if my eyes hadn’t been covered. The Dark made it clear that it was here to stay.

  So every morning I’d wake up – and I know it’s morning because I have my parents set my alarm- and reach over my bed for the walking rod that has become an unwelcome centerpiece of my life. I tap my way to and through the bathroom for a bath and back, and I make sure to hit everything I can on my way. I could get ready quieter, but I choose not to, I liked announcing my presence; it made them feel guilty and I wanted them to feel guilty.

 Guilty for making the choice to move away when I needed stability and familiarity the most, guilty for me having to navigate these new, complicated set of walls when I was just fine with the old ones, guilty for taking away everything I recognized.

“Sweetie,” they’d say to me whenever we talked about it, “We did it for your own good, you needed a change of environment.” And I’d always unfailingly answer back: “What good would a change of environment do for someone like me?”

“We both though it would be best to get you away from Rory…” my mom would say quietly and I’d have to keep silent to avoid blowing up at them. Spoiler alert; it never worked.

Rory, it always came back to that name, the one who caused this entire mess just cause he was too drunk to remember how to use his brakes.  

 Then we’d get into our usual argument which involved all sides saying things that we didn’t mean and me storming away as best as I could when I had little idea of where I was going. Later, we’d apologize to each other, tell ourselves we didn’t mean it and that we weren’t angry, but the truth was: I was angry.

He…

 He came on a day no one was home; I always look back and think he planned it that way. My mother was out for a grocery run and my dad had things to attend to. They rarely left me home alone for anything, but when the doorbell rang unexpectedly that morning guess who had to answer it.

  Making my way to the front door through the death-trap wasn’t easy; I was bruised and battered from tripping when I got there. To make matters worse, I hadn’t slept much through the night, so I opened the door with quite an irritated “What?”

  He wasn’t as put off as I thought he’d be, I’ll give him that but I could tell from his voice that he was shocked, he introduced himself as Jonah Hale, the next door neighbor and walked in like he owned the place. In a span thirty minutes, he managed to get on my nerves so much that I told him to get out, but he was back the next day, and the next, and the next until he practically lived there.

The thing about annoyances is they tend to grow on you.

They…

   Two years passed that way and he became a firm addition to my life. Even now I can’t explain the way he broke down my insecurities about The Dark but he did; and it bothered me less and less as time passed. I even argued with my parents less, and really, he made me forget about everything else.

  I can’t remember how I found out that I loved him, all I know is that when I did I thought he’d remain as firm as he was and naively thought he would be unbreakable and we wouldn’t shake:

Not even when they told me he only had a little time left.

Not even when he told me that we were a match and he wanted me to have his eyes.

Not even when he told me that was Rory, yes that Rory, the one that took my mine.

Okay, I lied; that one broke me a little, no, a lot.

I wandered into his hospital room in tears and asked him why. He instead answered me with the reason he chose the name Jonah: because he wanted to be reminded of what happened to those who didn’t do what they were meant to. He begged me not to cry and told me to come closer.  He drew me to his lap and I leaned my head on his chest, and there we lay.

Then…

November 9^th, eighteen years old,  I had my surgery.

 Two weeks later, we got the call… He was gone.

 The bandages hadn’t even come off yet.

I attended the funeral never more grateful for The Dark. He was always bubbly and loud, I didn’t want my first and last image of him to be when he was silent. I had them lead me to him though and gently tucked a letter between his arms, everything I’d never had the courage to say was on there; I couldn’t send him off without at least that.

  A month, two months, I don’t know how much time passed but they finally came off, yet my victory over The Dark wasn’t the most important thing on my mind that day. I looked at my mom, a face I never thought I’d get to see again, and she nodded. She understood.

  The entire drive there, I kept my eyes closed; there was no real reason, it just felt like the right thing to do. I didn’t want to see the world yet, not without doing this first.

   We arrived at the church and she led me inside, once there, she whispered to me: “Look honey, they still have his picture up.” So I opened my eyes and looked. I won't describe him but he was everything and nothing like I imagined him to be.

Ah, so that’s how you look.  I thought.

Soon, she nudged me and took my hand again and I let her guide me to him, when we got there, she left me alone and went back to the church to wait. There was a picture next to the headstone, he was grinning like an idiot in this one.

Ah, so that’s how you smile.

I stood silently there, staring with my once brown eyes that were now green. My hands traced over the rough stone with his name carved out:

  ‘Rory McCliurdge.’ It read.

Ah, so that’s how your name’s spelled.

I smiled. That’s when I dropped to my knees in the snow and grass. That's when realized that my new eyes actually could cry. I hugged myself and sobbed silently. The Light turned my tears into shimmering diamond until I buried my face in my hands and wept.