One Single Tear

   I looked at my phone’s screen for the 100th time that day, writing and deleting the ‘I’m done.’ text but never brave enough to hit send. He had promised he’d call. What a fool I’d been believing this time he would keep his promise! If I had any self respect left, I’d be ashamed. But I was all out of respect. For me or for us.

The phone beeped in my hand and my traitor heart squeezed painfully. It was not him. He’ll text, hours from now when he wakes up, and I can already see his words…sorry babe, fell asleep. And I’ll cave, because I always do…and I’ll say it’s alright, when it is not.

I felt my heart shrinking, as if an invisible wrinkled hand was squishing it tightly with bony fingers. I felt all life, all joy slowly dripping out. I felt empty. It was a familiar feeling. One that I had to hide from my 10 years old daughter, because she could never know her mother was that weak. A child should never see her mother’s tears of weakness.

So I put the phone down, plastered a smile on my face and started driving. She wanted to go Christmas shopping, so we went. One minute went by, then five, then ten. My beautiful child was yapping happily in the backseat, while I allowed my heart to cry. Yes…I had mastered that skill. The skill of crying on the inside while my outside was spotless.

Because who would understand me? Who would believe that I had repeatedly walked all over my independence and pride for a man who could never be bothered to make me a priority? Nobody would…I could not understand myself. So I allowed my soul to shriek while being ripped to pieces. I allowed it to weep so hard, so utterly defeated that I could feel it shredding inside me. I could feel the flesh being torn and the pain still finding small burrows to hide in, to torment me with every mile I made myself drive forward, without making any sound. This was what defeat sounded to me. Like the darkest and bloodiest warm silence.

Every single one of his promises flashed through my mind in my soul’s final hours of life. Every single smile, and every ‘I love you’ said in his boyish tone. Each of them marked another nail in this coffin I was slowly building for myself. Everything was more important than me…his work, his problems, his children. I came last, despite the ‘you are my soulmate’ he would whisper in my ears, and despite the plans we made to merge our families. I had never been a priority.

We arrived at the mall and i forced myself not to check the phone. He had his own special ringtone. He did not call. He did not text. It wasn’t time, yet. My heart gave a loud wail, because it knew his schedule, and it knew it wasn’t our turn yet. The pain threatened to topple me over, but I was saved by her. Curly blond ponytails shed a small sliver of light on my bleeding self and she smiled.

“Let’s go mommy!”

And we went. I got her everything she wanted, everything she pointed at, just to see that life saving smile over and over again. Just to keep myself upright. When the money I had put aside for this shopping trip ended, I allowed her to drag me back to the car with our arms full. I feared the drive back, because she would be busy playing with her new toys, while I would just bury myself again. She smiled at me again, and it gave me the strength to start the engine. He will be awake soon. I could feel it in every cell in my body and I felt the shivers wreck my brain.

Can you miss so fiercely something that breaks you so completely? Was that even possible, or was I simply too broken? Because I missed him and hated myself. I was waiting for him like a parched woman after a desert cross. I drove and drove, twitching every time my phone beeped, just to know it was not him. My ‘I’m done.’ text was still there, in drafts, mocking and taunting me. I wished I could be as strong as my imagination thought I was. I wished for many things, but I was a slave of the bitter reality and this was what dreaming big got me.

So I had stopped dreaming big…now I just wished to survive from one promise to another. The drive back home felt like a crawl, but we finally made it. I helped my little munchkin bring everything inside and then went back for the last batch of colorful barbie dolls. She was waiting for me at the top of the stairs.

“Mommy…are you okay? You look sad.” my munchkin frowned, her still chubby cheeks tight with worry.

I smiled broadly. “I am fine little Bug. Need help finding a place for all these dolls?” I never thought smiling could be so damn hard, but there it was, requiring every little bit of strength I possessed.

“No, I know where to put them. And mommy…” munchkin made me kneel in front of her and placed the sweetest kiss on my nose. “…I think you are sad, but remember what you always say : You can never be sad if someone loves you. And I LOVE YOU!” she shouted and enveloped me into the warmest hug a human can ever receive.

I allowed my heart one last defeated whimper. One. And I let one single tear outside, into the real world, while I looked into my child’s beautiful eyes. Just one. And I nodded.

My phone beeped right then. ‘Sorry babe…fell asleep. How’s your day?’

I looked up into her innocent eyes. I pressed send, while everything inside me was dead silent. I was making myself a priority.

‘I’m done.’