The Next Step

“I really need you to hear this. It is important to me.”

He sounded so sincere and clear headed. Trust was a major issue here. She decided due to his sincere tone she could at least listen.

“I will not keep anything that isn't safe to myself.”

“No, there isn't any of that,” his voice cracked. “You haven’t changed a bit; you are still that good person.”

Watching him while thinking this over. In the past he had many good characteristics. Only the good had become sodden and sank into the depths of an ocean. She had drowned right along with them. Now standing on solid ground she chose to listen.

The past hurt so badly. Not wanting to think any deeper of the past she pushed the frequent misgivings she experienced down. Hoping to keep those second thoughts locked away she felt she could listen.

“I’ve been clean and dry for 14 months.”

Swallowing the dryness in her mouth and sticking out her chin she remained silent. No good would become of voicing the clutter that filled her brain. At last able to appear a bit together she searched his eyes. Sadness filled their green depths. Not remembering a time when she had seen them like this. The sadness seemed to come from the soul. Feeling the stab of tenderness she had felt in the past, she crossed her arms tightly.

Dropping his gaze to her arms, his wide shoulders slumped down. Although they looked wider than she had remembered them. He had started to lose weight and his redeeming qualities at the same time. It had started after a blowout with his brother three years prior. She was unsure if they had spoken to the other since that day.

The muscle twitched along his sharp jaw. The air was filled with static and nervousness. He refused to meet her eyes and stared at the gravel at their feet. Uncomfortable with how quiet he was she searched for the proper words to break this tension. Noticing his hands twitching his jeans pocket, her fear tightened in her stomach.

Releasing a deep sigh, Martin continued his confession.

“I am nearing the end of my counselling. I cannot be in a truly good place until I have spoken with you. I have done so many wrongs that I know I will never be completely forgiven for, nor should I be. I need you to know this. I'm sorry, Shelly. I saw the fear in your eyes. Fear of me. That stuck with me. It was that look that made me realize I needed help. It took a bit, I'll admit. I am sorry to have done that to you. I apologize for the things I may have done but was too far gone to remember,” he paused and met her gaze. This was a glimpse of the person before the possession.

“Thank you for your time,” Rolling his shoulders for minute he then turned to leave. “I am not asking for your forgiveness. I only want you to know,” he walked away hands still in his pockets around the corner of the cafe towards the parking lot.

Her heart was still as shattered as the glass that had covered the floor. She could not think of that night, it was in the past. He was to stay there too. One way to keep it all locked away was to forget about his confession. The man had spoken what he needed, and he could leave her alone. Firming herself to return to the cafe where she worked, she willed her mind to forget.

So, this is Martin's brother, Shelly thought. The man he looked up to. Garth peered down his hawk nose at her. He most likely thought himself leagues above her. With a sneer he gripped her elbow painful as he pulled her to their table.

Once seated he was quick to point. “What do you want? What has my dearest brother done?”

“I think you two should talk. I want you reconcile with Martin.”

“Oh, you do, do you? It is none of your business.”

“Of all of the nerve,” Garth stopped the slip up by grabbing her hands atop the table. Pulling them towards him he leaned closer. He glared.

A tall dark figure stood at the table side, looming over them. Looking up to find Martin. Anger emitted from every pore.

“How long?” he snapped.

Garth refused to release her. If anything, he had tugged her closer. Smiling, he turned to Martin. There was not an ounce of warmth in that smile.

“Well, well. Look who's here here to interrupt my date, dearest brother?” He sneered.

“Date? Shelly, you're dating my brother,” he choked out.

Fire and betrayal filled his eyes. Martin’s lips twisting into a sneer much like his brother’s. Stepping back, he swung a chair to the side.

Watching in slow motion as if the scene played out in the matrix fashion. Martin swiped the crystalware from the table. Then he whipped the table away to grapple his brother. Arms swinging, they sailed through the air and landing on the the next table. The customers jumped away and disappeared. A cry filled the air, anguish laced, “why her?” It echoed around the restaurant.

The echo bounced in her head. It drowned out all else. Shelly gripped her palms over her ears. The words continued becoming an agonized cry.

She had to stop it. It hurt her heart.

“Why her?” Martin screamed.

“Stop!” she shouted.

Startled, she jumped. The cry only a whisper, faded away. Peering into the darkness, she found herself tangled up in sheets. Looking around her bedroom she relaxed her tight limbs. It was a nightmare, a memory.

It had been a while since she had that dream. The same replay ran for weeks after the actual event. It had been eighteen months since their ending. Then yesterday morning Martin had called asking if she would see him at the cafe before her shift started. At the last second she had agreed. She hung up thinking she had made a mistake. He was her past.

A past where there were love, heartache, confusion, violence, alcohol and drugs. They had met at the cafe. He was a frequent customer. They had been dating for six months when he started going out drinking, then came the part he would come into the cafe half cut and reeking of the strongest smelling marijuana. Under the influence of the alcohol and drugs Martin had become moody. Several times they argued, usually ending with him slamming doors then heading to a bar.

She knew the start had been when he and Garth had a blowout. Over a short time, Martin had changed into a stranger she did not want to date. It had all ended the day after the restaurant scene.

Curling up her knees, securing the sheets tightly around her, Shelly let her mind back to that day. It had been a day off and they had planned to hike up to a lookout. She had second guessed all the way to the meeting spot. The nervousness was only the beginning. When she arrived, Martin was already waiting. She watched as he paced back and forth next to his vehicle. Twice he had slapped the side of the truck.

Unsure of her next move to find him waiting at her door. Fury was written clearly on his features. She had to stay on firm ground.

“Why?” he roared in her face, his breath reeked of alcohol. That meant he had driven while under the influence. “And with my brother!”

“I wanted to help you.”

“Help me? Do what?”

He reached out and held her by the shoulders. His grip too hard, biting into her flesh. There would be bruises. Catching sight of his battered knuckles she saw dried blood and cuts. Evidence of the night before. Looking at his face, there was more bloody nicks and scratches.

“Why did you cheat on me with my brother? I didn't know you knew him. Or did he convince you to play a game with me? I trusted you.” He gave rough shake then let her go.

“Shelly, why?” he shouted and swung a fist through the side window of her car. He looked taken back at the sight of the car. Blood started to drip from his fingertips. stumbling around he looked over her features. She knew he saw her fear.

“I'm sorry. I'll pay for that,” he mumbled. Intently watching her reactions, he looked to be sobering up. The green of his eyes clearer. Regret more prominent than anger.

He reached out to her she backed away, her hands up in surrender.” Please don't,” was all she could muster.

Stepping back himself, he gazed at her. Shaking, he rubbed his hand. Then declared he needed a drink. She knew it was the end.

She laid her jacket over the glass in the seat not to be cut and pushed much of it onto the floor mat. Next, she patted the jacket down as an extra seat cover and straightened. Not look at him she made her statement

“I have not cheated on you. We are through. Please don't try to call me.”

An anguished cry was torn from him as he stepped back. No longer able to avoid it, she met his eyes. Confession crossed his face. “Goodbye, Martin.”

The memory was vivid, as if it had just happened. She had one regret; not telling Martin she had contacted his brother to meet him and asked him to work things out between them.

Garth had stopped by the cafe a few weeks later to gloat. He laughed and said another loser family member to bite the dust. Unable to hear another venomous word out of his sneering mouth she told him to leave.

He had laughed again and said she was a waste of his time. He purposely knocked his full coffee cup over. The coffee ran onto the floor as the patrons all stared at her. She fumed over his rudeness for weeks.

Calming as the memories faded, she sat and hugged herself. Life had become lonely. Working had helped pull her through the worst days. She missed Martin. The Martin who hiked with her, who played pool in video games after work. Their laughter filled the rooms they were in. Then it all slid away to reveal someone she did not know.

It was too late for regrets. Took much time had passed. She needed to forget once more flashes of his tender face as he ran a finger down her cheek or his laughing grin as his eyes sparkled with mischief. How could he have changed that much, cried herself to sleep.

Juggling keys, coffee, and groceries Shelley tripped on the curb next to her car and nearly lost everything. Hot coffee ran down her hand as a set of strong arms grabbed her round her waist and slipped a finger through the grocery bag handles.

Unable to see her saviour as she regained her balance while the man's firm arm held in place. Gratitude filled her, nothing had been lost. Those arms felt too good. Embarrassed to be musing along those lines she stood firmly on her own feet and removed herself from the heavenly grip at once turning to thank the stranger. Looking up she met the eyes of her dreams and nightmares. Their tenderness held her captive. Martin.

Awkwardness settled, encasing them. Breaking the silence, he nodded to the food. “Can I help you with those, you seem a bit overloaded.”

“Please.”

He sidled his fingers in the handles and avoided touching her and went to the trunk and waited.

Fumbling to unlock the car she spilt more coffee.” No rush,” he urged. Inhaling deeply, she tried again and met with success. So pleased that things were starting to work a smile broke from her.

“I missed those,” came a deep reply from the back of her car.

“Pardon?”

Chuckling, he closed the trunk lid, “your stunning smile.”

“Thank you. That was a great help.”

“Anytime,” the softest lift to his lips as a warm glow lit in his eyes the longer he stared at her.

As she watched in quiet admiration, a flash crossed his expression, and it became sad. Stepping away he shoved his hands into his pockets then paused to linger over her eyes.

“Yeah,” he spoke as if to himself then walked to the sidewalk and spoke again. “I would like to have coffee soon. I think it would clear some things up. Take care. It was good to see you, Shelly.”

A few days later Shirley found herself sitting in her car waiting. Coffee could mean the opportunity to ask questions she had. The groceries in the car and cell phone in hand she wavered. Staring at the phone was not helping. Did she really want to hear the answers she may hear? What could drive a person to do what he did? Stomach tied in knots threatening to revolt, Shelley placed the phone in the cup holder. First settle the stomach then make a rash decision she decided.

Glancing outside she saw a tall male figure leaned against the building in front of her car relief settled her, but butterflies fluttered instead. Martin. She had to bite the bullet and ask difficult questions of him.

“Coffee?”

“Yes,” grabbing her keys and phone they set off in silence to a quiet restaurant across the street.

Once they were seated, he spoke. “Doing okay?”

“Pretty good. You?”

Leaning back in the chair he sighed yes and no. He watched the steam rise from the cup. “Too much has been left unsaid on my part.”

“I'm sorry, Martin.”

Startled, he looked at Shelly asking why.

“I shouldn't have gotten in contact with Garth. There was nothing going on between us. I just thought if I could help you.”

“I know you weren't dating him; it was the alcohol talking. The jealousy was so overwhelming I could not see clearly. I need to start at the beginning,” he called for more coffee and asked the waitress to keep them coming.

“I had to stop at the grocery store hoping to see you. You know both of my parents are gone. Mom had me 10 years after Garth. He had always been a bit jealous of me. Being the baby, I received extra love or at least that was how he saw it I never noticed the difference. I looked up to him,” Martin paused and searched Shelly’s expression she felt he needed her somehow.

“Shortly after Mom passed he became mean, controlling and lied often. I figured it was sorrow, but I was wrong. He had gotten a letter from an anonymous person saying Garth had another father but for whatever reason never wanted a useless child. I saw this letter and after that my brother snapped. In his anger he took it out on me in some strange ways. He said he hated me and always had. He was going to make my life a living hell because I was the cause of all of his problems. He started by saying you were his cast off and then that the two of you were in cahoots to break me. Then he called my work and told my boss I was using cocaine. Thankfully at the time I was clean, but I started drinking. I was seeing you and that was great, and I did not want to cloud us with my troubles.”

He reached across the table to hold his palm up to her she needed this contact too. She laid her hand in his then he continued as he brushed his thumb over her knuckles.

“I lost count of the things he was saying. He tried to claim my portion of Mom’s will. He got my hydro turned off, claiming to be me. Calling to say I was a useless good for nothing waste of time. He realized these weren't working he turned his focus on you.”

As if she were his life saviour, he held her hands tenderly. Pressing his forehead to her knuckles she felt the shutters wrack his body.

“I did not know how to handle it any longer not when he threatened to claim you. He would describe how he would make love to you. That was the last straw, and we had that big fight. I did lay a good beating to him over that. I drank more and a coworker gave me a bag of weed. It must have been laced as I became desperate for it. It felt good. I could not see what it was doing to us.”

“Shelly, you are much too important to me, but I lost all the chances with you. In the end all I wanted was you. You did the best thing when you said goodbye. I am so sorry for what I did to you. I will never touch alcohol or drugs again. I saw enough to know I cannot do that to another person again. I am healing but I will never heal from what I did to you.”

Falling silent tears glittered on his lashes and swam in his emerald eyes. The deep sorrow and regret for her to plainly see. “I am sorry,” he whispered.

The waitress came with the coffee pot appearing to be completely oblivious to Martins tears. Filling their cups then left. Knowing the questions had mostly been answered. “What about Garth?”

“I am putting him out of my life. I don't know who he is anymore. It is best I move on. I haven't spoken to him since the day we broke up.”

“Can we have coffee next week? Same place, same time?”

A tear ran down his cheek as a soft laughed escaped him. Pure joy shone from those green eyes. “Nothing will keep me away.”