Now what?

Ok, I sit here in the early stages of retirement wondering what should I do? I am young, 63, is young to me. I'm not officially old until I hit 95. Then I will say I'm old. There are times my body is telling me I'm old already but my brain pretends I'm still in my early 50's. The time when grandkids came along, I became comfortable in my self being who I am, what I like and dislike without feeling guilty about not liking something. I came in to my own, as they say, I embraced me. I also embraced that I will likely die a size 16, fluffy but content with my world. Seriously, if I diet and lose many pounds then I have to get new clothes that fit. That's quite a budget bender. I'd then have to decide, how much of my favorite clothes that I have do I keep? I'll just do my best to not get fluffier.

I have tried painting, which I am very messy at. If I were to keep painting, I would need places to put the works of my artistry. Then this becomes a space issue in which I would need to decide which of the beautiful decorations I have on my walls must go in order to showcase my meh talents. I can feel stress bubbles forming.

Occasionally, I try cooking a new recipe. The hubby does 95% of the cooking and has a tendency to make me feel rather inept in the kitchen. I have a few signature dishes and am excelled at cucumber salads, cutting fruits, making toast(it must be just right you know, not black or dark brown but a pleasant tan color in which all the bread is warm), and a rather fun baked mac and cheese.

I have done yoga. I don't have the energy to expand on that and become a yoga teacher. Seriously my favorite yoga class is the restorative one in which movement is minimal and sweat unlikely.

I've thought of volunteering. I still let the volunteering thought run through my head. I have charities that are near and dear to my heart. For instance, I adore animals. If I were to volunteer at the shelter I would spend 50% of my time there crying and the rest of the time trying to not adopt them all. The current cat we have is not one to share her castle, we've learned. But..... then I'd have to actually make the commitment of time, like a specific time. I'd have to get up and out of the house to technically "clock in" again. I just left that world.

I am a regular library patron letting books entertain me, taking me on delightful journeys, smart murders, new parts of the world with characters that I grow to love and can't wait for the next in a series. Sometimes I do mourn the loss of a series should the author move on to something new. I've discovered new and fun authors, I've lamented the deaths of favorites, Dorothea Benton Frank, Nelson DeMille just to name a couple. Hmmm... gardening? Well, living in the Northeast gives me a rather limited window. There is much wild life that wanders the yard so I'd have to be very diligent about types of plants. I usually do container plants, the groundhogs & bunnies don't usually climb the porch. I'd say that is my version of gardening. It is rather the least time consuming way to garden as well. No kneeling on the groundwith these rather arthritic knees, pulling weeds, getting bit by bugs, and sweating. I did mention I hate sweating right?

We do go for walks on pleasant days. That really can't be considered something new, only newness would be walking someplace we hadn't walked before.

I have golfed. I'm not good at it and find the frustration to take the good out of the walk in a pleasant green area.

I've decluttered cabinets, dressers and closets. I've helped other people organize but that is just assisting someone I care about get tidier.

I've been bowling, a league is so many weeks. Then of course, you'd have to make friends with your other teammates, and try not to feel too awful when your score alone keeps them at the bottom of the rankings. I'd be wondering are they secretly trying to find a way to transfer me to another team. I mean 35 weeks is over half a year for heavens sake! On top of that, I'd have to wear oddly colored shoes and unless I owned my own ball, I'd be sticking my fingers in a ball that someone else used and how can you be certain that person actually washes their hands when leaving the restroom? I'm talking using the soap, getting a good lather, rinsing & drying. Not that dabble a couple fingers under trickle of water & wipe your hands on your pants nonsense. Then there is the added cost of the beer and food one needs to consume whilst participating, again we can circle back to filthy hands touching things.

You may think I am a germophobe. I'm not really. I just don't trust people to be sanitary. After COVID we all may have gotten a little more aware of the germs floating around. I don't like big crowds. I wash my hands after shopping. Wash new clothes before wearing. Just trying to hedge my bets a little to avoid illnesses. It seems to be working, knock on wood.

Do I feel guilty about doing nothing? Perhaps. After over 40 years of working to survive, raise kids, travel and enjoy grandkids, should I feel guilty?

So here is my doing something new... I'm learning how to do nothing. No commitments, no clocking in, no set times to be somewhere. I just need to be. I will get to be quite proficient at doing nothing. It is going to take much practice. I believe I am up to the challenge.