Answer to Closure

What do I do it all for?

Jeffrey patted his hair and aired out his dress shirt, unbuttoning the top button. A young valet routinely held the door open and greeted the sophisticated gentleman. 

“Good evening!”

Peach fuzz for a mustache and a brush of pimples over his cheeks, Jeffrey shook the boy’s hand, “I know the miles, my guy. No funny business.”

The valet, realizing the blue bill in his right hand, ensured direct eye contact, “Of course! I’ll park you right out front!”

Jeffrey nodded and walked through the revolving door. I wonder if Tim still runs his service.

A gorgeous blonde hostess tilted her head, brandishing warmth in the restaurant’s dim jazzy ambiance, “Mr. Parker if you’ll follow me.” 

Jeffrey had moved up. Without instruction, his coat was taken, a mint was offered, and he was led to a designated backroom terrace, separated from the main dining room. There was more space between tables, a view of the city skyline, and a fashion show of custom suits and dresses. A woman sat alone looking off into the reflection of street lamps and traffic. There was a cunning composure in her face. 

Before he could approach, he was stopped by a couple. 

“Jeffrey Parker?”

“Yes.”

“We don’t mean to bother you but we just want to say we really appreciate your work!”

Jeffrey, gracious, shook the couple’s hands, “It’s always lifting to meet people who still read.”

“Enjoy your evening.”

“You guys as well.” 

Jeffrey walked away and into the slender arms of the lone woman, “Jeff.” 

“Olivia.” 

The embrace was proper, long enough to eliminate any idea of disdain yet short of reaching a kindred heat. They settled in their seats while the waiter poured a glass of Pinot Noir at Olivia’s order and a cabernet at Jeffrey’s eye contact. 

“So how often does that happen?”

Jeffrey grinned, “It’s my entire self-esteem now.” 

“Do you like it?”

Those eyes are emeralds, “It’s just another thing. What do you think of the place?”

Olivia raised her eyebrows, “I would say it’s a step up from Paul’s Pizzeria. I mean, the view!”

“In our time apart I’ve been fortunate enough to make a friend or two.”

“Who’s our friend?”

“The Sous Chef. Our orders have been already taken.”

“Menus are just a poor person thing?”

“Have you been keeping up with me?”

“It’s hard not to. Valet money paying well?” she jeered. 

I miss that wrinkle in her nose, “Just about to keep me afloat.” 

“What is it that you do?”

“A little bit of everything. I’m trying to learn how to design clothes now. I need something that uses my hands.”

“Remember the time you had me carry all that weed to my locker?”

“Because Dean Scaff was searching my locker after Marissa Lopez snitched on me.”

“How much was in that bag?”

“Enough to send me to a detention center. Thank you for being my Bonnie.”

“When did you stop selling?”

“Right before college.”

“Right around….”

“When we broke up broke up? Yeah.”

Olivia’s shoulders dropped, “I’m happy for you, Jeff. I know you hated all that.”

“Just a kid, I was — we were. How long has it been?”

“Probably a decade. You’re making a woman think about her age? Where’s this classy etiquette I keep hearing about.”

She loves to bust my balls, “Who are you talking to?”

“I ran into Doug a couple of weekends ago and he chewed my ear off about you. I believe he referred to you as his sugar daddy?”

Jeffrey threw his head back laughing, “You gotta take care of the folks who were there on the come up.”

“Does he work for you?”

“In a way. He is supposed to be my assistant, help with bookings and crap like that but I have a real assistant for that. He is more of a social ambassador.”

“Do you keep in contact with anyone else from school?”

“Doug is my guy, always has been since grammar school. But honestly, not really.”

“How coming of age.”

I’m here for you Olivia, “Enough about me. What’s new in the world of Olivia Seyfarth?”

“I do some marketing work for Coke.”

“Get out of here!”

“Yeah, it’s mostly ad deals but did you see the commercial with the glass bottle who wanted to be a plastic cup?”

“Uh yes! It was like Pinocchio but with a Protect the Earth twist. You worked on that?”

“I was part of the creative team which was really fun.”

“You always had a knack for storytelling. I’m just glad you aren’t an accountant or something like that.”

“Maddie’s an accountant. What’s wrong with that?”

“There is nothing wrong but just nothing right. The human experience shouldn’t be dulled by living for numbers. There is more to all this.”

“You never really liked my friends.”

“They never really liked me.”

“You weren’t exactly the easiest person.”

And I’m so sorry, “You’ve watched movies, right?”

“Have I seen a movie in my lifetime? I think I can say yes.”

“Okay, smart ass. Well, you know before the main character gets everything he — or she or how —”

“No one’s recording you. I get your point.”

“You’re too much. Before they find the treasure or save the world they go through about two hours of embarrassment.”

“Yes.”

“Those two hours of blowups or missed deadlines are mandatory to get to the point people wish they were that guy.”

“And your two hours are up?” 

“I’m definitely on the other side of a lot of things but I’m probably still on the rising action.” 

“Is everything story-centric to you?”

“Life is nothing but stories. Everyone here is a story wrapped in the one book of the universe.”

Olivia raised her eyebrows, “And where have I fitted in this metaphor?”

“Oh, look appetizers!” 

Olivia scoffed. The waiter recited each ingredient, their reason and purpose, which only fell on deaf ears. Each bite she took, every time she raised her hand she reflected a porcelain statue’s pose. Jeffrey invigorated a distant memory of him and Olivia in the back of his 1999 lime green punch-buggie. Not a razor’s blade of separation between bodies, the two of them kissed, hugged, felt, and protected the force field of energy in that broken-down car. Jeffrey’s chest now tightened. Are we strangers now? Can I still figure this out?

“Where do you live now?”

“I’m right in West Town off 26th with Maddie and Sarah.”

Same people and same town, “And that’s working out alright?”

“The rent is not too bad and we are right by Joy Street.”

“Some good bars down there?”

“Yeah, there’s this place Suzin’s which is like a hole-in-the-wall but not we go to often.”

“You’ve been in the city since graduation?”

Olivia paused her bite to reflect, “Pretty much. I mean I’ve done some traveling too.”

“For work or leisure?”

“Leisure. I was in New York for a family wedding two months ago. Last summer I actually was in San Diego.”

Was I around then, “You should’ve said hi.”

Olivia refolded her napkin, “I know–uh-hm-wanted to but just….”

“I get it.” 

“A lot has changed — especially for you I didn’t know if I even,” Olivia’s lips mimed words, “… wanted to see you.” 

As though a hot soup was funneled directly into his stomach, the words burned an unsavory premonition straight into his gut. Show her you. Not the kid who sold weed. Not the kid who hated himself.

“It got weird didn’t it?”

“Yeah, it really did. Especially when you left without saying goodbye — the goodbye before all of this.” 

“It wasn’t intentional. First off, you were dating a guy at the time.”

“Still. After everything — you got up and left halfway across the world. Then all of a sudden you have a book! I see you talking on the news. Now, I hear you want to design clothes!” 

“I never shared a lot —”

“Oh yes! A video went around of you in some band. When did that happen?”

“I like to change —”

“It’s more I don’t know where the change is stemming from.”

“What do you mean?” 

“Just what are you about Jeffrey? Senior year was 10 years ago and do you know the last moment I saw you?”

I do, “No.”

“The summer after college at Newport’s. I was waiting in line to go to the bathroom and I saw you come out, wiping your nose, and we made eye contact. And you know what you did?”

It was almost five years by then. We were only casually hooking up as exes. The wick seemed burnt.

“You walked right by. It was as though you saw just the wall and nothing else.”

“Olivia, I was coked out and drunk. I wouldn’t look too deep into —”

“No, because what I’ve learned is that you are deep. There is something to look into with you but you refused to ever let me see. I was always guessing and that tired me.”

“What would you like to see?”

Olivia looked to the city and then back at him. She took a deep breath, “ Sorry. I felt you forgot about me and when you reached out….” 

“A pretty good plot twist, eh?”

Olivia giggled, “To say the least. I would like to restart.”

“You’re a free individual Olivia.”

“How are you?”

“I’m good. Today I went down the river walk.”

“How was that?”

“The city looks so nice at the end of summer. You know? Right as fall kind of creeps in. There’s a lovely mixture of… what’s the word? Variety? I mean the colors all around look like a Picasso portrait.” 

“Winter still your favorite?”

“Of course! No one will ever convince me that there is anything better than being bundled up in a nice coat, strolling a soft crunchy snow. There are no wailing cicadas, you don’t sweat every other second, and everything looks so pure!”

“Can’t go to the beach.”

“But you can go snowboarding or ice skating.”

“Is that another new hobby?”

“No, but I see people do it.”

“For someone who loves winter, why the hell are you doing in San Diego?”

“The people are so different out there it embarrasses me and I love it!”

“I’m surprised you haven’t joined a cult by now.”

“Olivia, I’m on the brink of leading one!”

Olivia openly laughed, “Your fascination with people.”

“Expand.”

“When we dated you made it a point to mention the wrong with people. Either how poorly they dressed or how stupid the things they talked about were.”

She’s the only one who calls me out, “I was going through a lot and projected many insecurities.”

“Is that so? It felt that you rather be high alone than with me.”

I have changed, “Olivia let’s not forget the golden times. Remember those late nights when I would sneak into your house?”

“While my parents were upstairs — and Peter!”

“My god if he just took one step downstairs I think he would’ve shot me on the spot.”

“That would be mercy. He would’ve looked to break those special hands of yours. How did we ever get away with that?”

“Bonnie and Clyde, I’m telling you.”

“That day in the forest I’ll remember.” 

“You mean the jungle?”

Olivia began hiccuping, “Oh my gosh I had mosquito bites all along my back and legs.” 

“That was definitely one of the more uncomfortable hookups.”

Two artfully diced ducks arrived with a gleaming maroon glaze. As before, the waiter went into extreme detail about where the ducks were farmed, how they were nurtured, and the precision required to plate them at this exact moment. Jeffrey leaned over to rearrange his seat. 

“Where’s your cross?”

Impulsive he felt his bare chest, “Oh-I-er lost it some time ago.”

“Couldn’t afford a replacement?”

She’ll understand, “I don’t really believe anymore. I didn’t like the person I was becoming.”

“And what was that?” Olivia extended her hand to his, “Jeff I know why you reached out. You need to show me who you are?”

Jeffrey stopped eating and submitted himself, “Since 8th grade — it might’ve been just puberty — but a night’s sleep happened when I woke up and felt a-a-almost will.”

“Will?”

“Yes, an ignition as to what I want from this experience. And through much pain, I accepted my purest ambition: peace.”

Olivia nodded.

“That peace was centered on creating something beyond me. Simply, if I didn’t achieve this more, I would proudly kill myself — I nearly did the summer before college.”

“When were dating?” Her voice squeaked like a shattering plate. 

“It wasn’t your fault. No! It was me. The love we had that summer was and has been the single greatest experience I have lived to date. Though it wasn’t sustainable. It wasn’t true because I hated myself then. I hated how I woke up, the jobs I had, and especially, could not stand living a life that billions of others could.”

“What life is that?”

“The linear one. Going to college, getting a job, moving to the city and then one day finding you have your own family and nothing else but a couple of hearty drunk memories to back it up.” 

“Is that how you view me?” the unsettling croak continued, “Jeff, I am happy you know!”

“Are you?”

“Yes! I have friends, family, and a job that I enjoy. What is so grand about your life that makes mine less?”

“That’s not what I’m implying —”

“What is it then?” 

“Did you even give it a shot?”

Olivia glanced at the river supporting the city before her, thoughts confronting one by one like billboards on a highway, “I just wanted life and I have that. Jeffrey. Suicide?”

“I was in a very bad spot that only I could get myself out of. That’s why it’s been so long! I wanted to be sure I dealt with it all”

“You know that would’ve killed me too!” 

“Olivia, yes, but look! I here now actually doing something with myself. Then, everything was shared, compromised, or sacrificed just so I could say ‘I’m doing what people want.’ I had to admit to myself I wanted more to be cured.”

“You were going to kill yourself because you didn’t have a fancy watch or afford custom dinners?”

“No. This is all,” Jeffrey laid back, reaching his arms to the room, “Extra for not committing the most hateful act and pursuing something beyond me. My dream incarnated.” 

Olivia laughed, a deep-chested uncontrollable laugh one would hear at a comedian stand-up, “Where are the cameras? You talk as if you’re presenting a thesis!” 

Come on Olivia, you get me, “It was just part of my two hours.” 

“And that just made me a minor character — an obstacle you had to overcome?”

“No, no, I mean — but look I am back! I was always going to come back!”

“A completely different person who has only shown more mystery.”

“It was not easy being alone! There were so many times I thought to call you, reach out for help, or just hear your voice again.”

“But you didn’t. I was a side plot on your main mission.”

Get the answer, “Olivia the energy is still there. I see it right now as you sit. Let’s stop hurting ourselves and be together. 

She dropped her head, this time glancing away towards the door. Her eyes grayed, “Jeff… no. I don’t think I can.”

“What’s holding you back?”

“Jeff,” Olivia gazed into his fiery cedar brown eyes, “You left me out of the story.”

“It was more of a necessary character development arch —”

“No seriously. Jeff, the thing I always wanted most was to be part of you — to share the story. I was let go so you could figure your shit out which is great. Though, you ask ‘what’s new?’ Absolutely nothing. I haven’t changed a bit. I still go to church. I still sleep with socks on. And I know that next weekend I’ll go to some bar in the same city everyone else grows up in. And I love it!”

“But I….”

“You change too much and there is nothing about your situation that says you’ll stop changing — even for me! Your success is amazing and I am really happy for you! But I don’t care for it. I want someone who puts me as their main character!”

She was right and nothing more could be put forward without disturbing the honesty being had. They were first loves who were never on the same page until the last chapter. 

Jeffrey nodded, smiling, “You learned to look out for yourself.”

“I learned from the best.”

Several more courses of sirloin, truffle gravy, and spoonfuls of caviar endlessly refilled their plates before them. Instead of nostalgia, regret, and the inevitable last glance, the two talked about food, music, and their worst dates. Olivia shared about her first time surfing and nearly drowning. Jeffrey explained it was his mother’s ability to sow makeshift costumes that inspired him to design. The two laughed, gossiped, and joked about distant names and their whereabouts. For about two hours, as the tables cleared and the city’s lights remained effervescent as ever — Olivia in a soft magenta dress and Jeffrey’s sharp black suit — they illustrated a love of 10 years’ worth. As Olivia picked up her purse and met Jeffrey’s eyes, all he could think was: You got me here. 

His eyes pleaded for a hint, just a wrinkle of the nose, a simple head tilt, anything to give reason to lay a kiss on perfection. Yet, a modest hug was all with the slightest of squeezes. She walked away and he remained looking to the balcony. Stepping right up, placing each hand on the ledge, he looked down. Not a cell in his body wanted him to jump. He smacked his lips, nodded, and faced the avalanche of skyscrapers before him. 

For you, my friend.