Fly Away

10. 2. 622. 8. 6. 93. 18.

10 years working towards Harvard. Two more nights until “D Day” (departure day). ,622 miles away. 8 years combined undergrad and grad. 6 months since Jacob. 93 days until Thanksgiving Break. 18 years spent in this room.

Walking around her childhood room, it didn’t escape Cassie that basically, her life could be summed up by a group of numbers.  As she walked, smiling and remembering,  memories washed over her like a tidal wave, briefly taking her breath away. Everywhere she looked, every object, represented a grain of life- familiar, comforting, heartbreaking. She touched each one gently, reverently, as if begging them to never change. How could everything outside this room be so strange?

On her bulletin board, the ticket stub from her first Pearl Jam concert sophomore year was still pinned. She had begged her parents for weeks to let her attend, insisting she was mature enough to go out on a school night “Just this once!”... On her bed sat Blah-Blah, her old rag doll in a tattered dress with stained dirty cheeks, who had been with her since she was less than a year old ,always offering comfort, familiarity, and a listening ear. On her desk, countless framed pictures sat, each capturing a moment she had once been sure would last forever. On her bed post, carved deep into the faded wood was a heart with the initials “J.R.”, for her first serious love and then just under that, 10/18/18 for the date that love had first been consummated. She swallowed hard and quickly turned away.

It was hard to believe it was all over. On to a new chapter. “Bigger and better” as her sister Phoebe would say. “D-day” was in two days. It was time for all the “one mores”- one more trip to Chaz, her favorite taco stand, one more trip to the beach to let the sun warm her face and the water kiss her toes, one more drive past the funny old Hansel and Gretel fairy tale house she loved,  one more…

Wednesday morning would come and take her way from it all. Cassie had never doubted her future. She had wanted to be a doctor from the moment her parents had given her a play medical bag and doctors’ scrubs for her third birthday, and she had worked for acceptance at Harvard University ever since she had visited the sprawling New England campus of the country’s top university on a field trip way back in second grade. She had decided then and there that THIS was the place she would make her dream come true. Everything she had done- every all nighter, every club she belonged to, every sport she participated in,  every service organization she was active with- although she had come to love them all, each had been started in an attempt to woo the future admissions committee at Harvard.

Her 4 large duffle bags sat, mostly packed, on her floor, ready for her departure in just 2 days. She had crammed as much of her life up until now into those bags and yet, as she looked around her room one last time, she realized she was still leaving so much of that life behind. Carefully, she picked up Blah-blah and tucked her safely into one of the bags but not before tracing her finger down the faded cheeks. 

Cassie had grown up in this room. It was in here that she had spent countless hours through the years on her bed, giggling, gossiping, and yes, sometimes crying, with her friends. It was here that she had locked her door and admired herself from every angle wearing her first non training bra at 13, here where she had sat with a box of matches, when she was 4 years old, lighting one after the other, each one more fascinating than the previous one, as it burst into colorful flames and ate away at the stick in her hand.  It was in here she had written her first entry in her first diary when she was 8, something she still did regularly 10 years later. It was here that Jacob had first told her he loved her at the sweet and tender age of 14. It was here that she had laughed and cried and mourned, hoped and dreamed, planned and worked, and so much more. All the big moments and the little ones too, some of which were fresh in her mind, others which were no more than scribbled notes in journal entries from the past, they had all been poured over, reflected upon, enjoyed and pondered in this room. And now it was time to say goodbye.

Her eyes continued their journey and she laughed as her gaze rested on the dent in her desk, remembering how angry she had been at her mom for not letting her wear makeup to the 8th grade dance- her first dance with Jacob. She had kicked that desk so hard, leaving the dent and also breaking her pinkie toe. And it was also here when almost exactly 2 years later, she had shared her bed with Jacob for the first of many times. Her eyes filled with tears and the familiar lump invaded her throat as she looked at her old bean bag chair, the one she hadn’t touched in 6 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days. It was the same bean bag chair she had sat in when she opened her acceptance letter to Harvard. It was the same bean bag chair she had collapsed into,  the day Jacob’s parents came to her and gently told her Jacob wouldn’t be coming home ever again. She had sat with them for 2 hours, remaining stoic and strong to support them, not saying a word before she finally escaped into her room, and smashed her face into her bean bag, the smell of leather comforting as it stifled her gut wrenching screams. How could it be that one thing could represent such extreme? Acceptance to Harvard, her most rewarding, thrilling moment. The loss of Jacob, a pain that still sliced through her when she remembered.

Regaining her composure, she took a deep breath and smiled as she glanced at the window and the ledge beyond where she and Eloise, her best friend of 15 years, had smoked their first forbidden cigarette and many more over the years. They had worked so hard to perfect the art of inhaling without coughing… It was the same window she and Eloise had used to sneak out of the house to go to parties once or twice, (or 100 times). It was the same window Jacob used to climb through, sneaking into her bed and snuggling under her covers, both of them giggling but trying hard to be quiet so they wouldn’t get caught. 

How did she take all that with her? Did she even want to? She had a chance for a fresh start. Her dreams were about to come true, and now that they were, suddenly  she found herself wondering… was it what she really wanted? After a lifetime of trying to break away, now she found herself wanting to turn around and lock the door and hide under her bed as she had done when she was younger and in trouble, trying to get out of a spanking.

Cassie knew she couldn’t stay, but at the same time she didn’t want to leave. At graduation 2 months ago, sitting next to Jacob’s empty seat that was adorned with a single red rose, Principal Sanders had said it was time for the seniors to spread their wings and fly. How badly she had wanted to do just that for so long. Stand up and fly, as far away as possible from everything that had become familiar. But now… Could she do it? She knew the sacrifices her parents had made to help her get here. She knew the pride her hometown school felt when they talked about her, the first graduating senior in their history to go to an Ivy League School- Harvard, no less. She knew her sister Phoebe was pinning all her lost dreams on Cassie and that her little sister Sadie was looking to her to show her the path to a better life. COuld she do it? Or should she ust walk away and leave it all behind?

Cassie closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Then, slowly yet determinedly, she walked towards the curtains, and rested her forehead against the cool glass of the window. She stood there for a moment and then, opening that window and crawling out onto the ledge as she had done so many times before, she spread her arms out, leaned forward, and, as Dr. Sanders had suggested, she flew.