Finding the oasis

Water surrounded me, I was suffocating in it. My arms, flailing about, were desperately trying to find a way out of the darkness. I couldn't see the water, but I could feel it: it was cold, wet and heavy. I tried to fight it, only it was too strong and I could feel myself being dragged downwards. I wanted to scream, cry for help, but no sound would escape my mouth. It was so silent that I could feel my rapid heartbeat, echoing in my skull. I was so afraid, scared of dying, but also terrified that no one would find me, that no one would save me. Please, I just want to be saved, I repeated these words to myself, hoping that an arm would plunge into the obscurity, there for me to grab and to pull me out. However, the darkness remained empty and I remained alone, trapped and helpless. Forever waiting to be rescued.  

I felt a sharp prod in my shoulder and I woke up abruptly, drenched in sweat. I rubbed my eyes, adjusting to the light. It took a couple seconds for me to realise where I was as my mind was still half asleep, recovering from my nightmare. My eyes wandered around the dimly lit room. 

“Good morning, beautiful!” I giggled, completely forgetting about my frightening dream as my boyfriend grinned down at me. He was tall with olive skin, jet-black hair and piercing blue eyes. He was handsome with both his attractive looks and his gentle yet humorous manners. He wore a grey striped suit with shiny black shoes. 

“Do you have to go to work today?” I whined.  

“Well, some of us have to earn money,” he said plainly as he grabbed his bag and strolled to the door.  

“Good luck at work! I love you!” I yelled after him. And with that, he left. I slowly got out of bed and made my way to the kitchen. I sat down at the breakfast table, which was right by the window, overlooking London. As I gazed at the city which felt like it was at my feet, I smiled, joyful of where I was and who I was with. I felt a little guilty about my happiness as I thought about my mother and how I hadn't seen her since I told her that I was moving in with Matt and "throwing my life away" as she called it. The night before I was supposed to go to university, Matt came to our house and said that he didn't want me to leave. He wanted us to build a life together. He promised me a marriage, children, travels: he promised me the world. My mother was strongly against our relationship, saying it was too soon and I was too young. I had a choice that night, between university and Matt, between my mother, the only family I had, and Matt, the love of my life. I chose to follow my heart. When I met Matt, a dashing lawyer, I fell in love immediately, taken by his charm and intelligence. We purchased a grand apartment in the center of London and how I loved it! It was almost as if I was in a different world from the one I was in growing up: a world of wealth and luxury, a world where life felt like it had no limits. I was living the dream, you could say.  

At long last, my love returned home. It felt like an eternity since I saw him last. I leaped on him and embraced him. He laughed heartily: 

“I missed you too! What did you do today? Waiting patiently for me, I hope.”  

“Suffering every minute you weren't here.” I half-joked. We left our apartment and walked around the city. We strolled next to the river Thames, admiring the stunning view of the illuminated city. I slowly reached for his hand and wrapped mine around his, which he welcomed by squeezing it lovingly. I glanced up at his face and he looked back at me. Our eyes met and I was lost in the ocean that were his eyes. The sky was bright pink with the colors bouncing off the buildings. The river was a mirror, reflecting the brilliant shades of rose. Stars began to twinkle, but the moon could barely be seen. Under the blushing sky, I turned to Matt suddenly and exclaimed: 

“I love you so much and I never want to lose you, which is why… I think we should get married!” I squealed in excitement. Matt chuckled unsurely: 

“Are you joking?” I shook my head vigorously, “I didn't think we were that serious.” 

“You promised me that we would get married.” I murmured hesitantly. 

“I never promised you anything. Look, can't we just enjoy what we have?” I nodded, trying to push away my disappointment and sadness.  

Water surrounded me, I was suffocating in it. Once again, I found myself trapped in the same dream I'd been having for months now. I woke up sharply, gasping for air.  

“What's the matter?” Matt groaned, still half-asleep.  

“I've been having this nightmare. I'm drowning in this… this cold, dark water. I'm alone… yelling and screaming. But no one is coming to save me… but I still have hope… in my heart… I'm still hoping someone will dive into the water… and pull me out… but as I get pulled further down, my hope slowly starts to fade… until it vanishes… and- and there's nothing left…” I ended my speech in nothing more than a faint and distant whisper.  

“You're so dramatic,” Matt sighed as he scrambled out of bed. He was right. It was just a stupid dream and I had to stop according such importance to it. I wondered what my mother would say. I often imagine how she would respond to things. For example, what would she think of me now? When I told her that I was going to move in with Matt, she begged me to reconsider. She said that it would ruin my life. “You're so young. You have so much to do. I mean, you haven't even gone to your university! You need to live your own life instead of joining someone else's.” We argued. I shouted at her and told her that she couldn't control my life. I insulted her, I marched out the door and I vowed never to return again.  

“Hey, Matty?” I entered the bathroom as he was putting on his tie, getting ready for work, “why don't we go somewhere for a little while? Why don't we explore the world? We could go to Europe or America or wherever you want!” I explained eagerly. 

“Absolutely not.” Matt stated calmly. He put on his vest and began walking to the door with his briefcase in hand. I clumsily scrambled after him.  

“Why not?” I questioned, confused. He abruptly stopped working and glared at me.  

“Look, we don't live in some fairyland where you can just fly off when you feel like it. This is the real world. I have a job, I have a life here and I'm not just going to go traveling just because you're acting like a spoiled brat.” He spoke temperately, without letting any emotion pierce his deep and somber tone. He strutted out the door and slammed it behind him. I felt tears build up in my eyes. I buried my face in my hands, angry at myself for what I had said. I loved Matt so much and I couldn't bear the thought of him being cross with me. Filled with determination, I cooked a chicken dish with vegetables and gravy. When he arrived home in the late evening, I was waiting for him, seated on the sofa. As soon as the door opened, I bounded up and sprinted towards him.  

“Matty! I'm so-” 

“I brought dinner,” He interrupted swiftly, waving a bag of sushi. 

“But I cooked dinner! I made chicken.”  

“How was I supposed to know you'd cook? You've never cooked in your life!” Matt mocked. He sat at the table and began digging into the sushi. “By the way, I forgive you for before!” I chuckled faintly and sat down next to me, watching him gobble up the sushi.  

“I've been thinking, you do so much for me and I know you work very hard. I just want to make it easier for you. So, what if I got a job?” I asked enthusiastically. Matt, instead of congratulating me or applauding me, just burst out laughing.  

“You just made my day!” He snickered gleefully, “You? Get a job? Now that's an idea.” 

“Why is it so funny?” I questioned nervously. 

“Look at yourself. I mean, you didn't even go to university. And you're just not… mature enough. I doubt you could even be a waitress: you'd probably confuse coffee with coca cola.” Matt sneered light-heartedly. I gulped.  

“Do you really not think-” 

“Can we talk about something else?” Matt exclaimed in annoyance.  

For a week Matt's words clouded my mind. My mother once told me: "Wherever you want to go in life, you will make it. Don't let anyone tell you you can't do it." What if that was a lie? What if I couldn't make it? If Matt was the intelligent, hard-working one, what was I? His spoiled-brat of a girlfriend who couldn't do anything with her life? 

“Matt, I've been wondering about what you said. About me getting a job?” I fiddled with my hands, not able to look him in the eyes.  

“You still on that? Look, I just told you the truth, alright? Did you expect me to lie?” Matt sighed exasperatedly, “Okay, I'll lie: you could easily get a job, because you are just so smart and so talented.” He said sarcastically. I stared at the floor in shame.  

“No… it's not that. You're right. You're absolutely right. Which is why… I want to go to university. I want to be intelligent, hard-working and ambitious like you. Those are qualities I'll learn in university, qualities that I'll need for the rest of my life. I feel like I could be a lot more than what I am.” I spoke from the heart, quietly and truthfully.  

“You don't want to go to university!” Matt scoffed, “It'll just be a waste of time for you. What you already have is enough. You're beautiful and that's enough.” He murmured as he sat down next to me on the sofa.  

“It's not enough for me.” I mumbled under breath.   

I walked heavily along the river Thames, pondering. I thought about my mother and wondered where she was and if she was thinking about me. I sat on a bench, alone in the cold. I watched the river flow and drift, forcibly bringing sticks along with it. I gawked at people walking by, trying to imagine what their lives were like. A young girl and her mother were playing by the water. They were laughing and shouting. They probably lived in a cosy house on the outskirts of town and everyday the mother would take the daughter into London to play. The mother was all alone looking after her only child and she didn't have enough money to support them both. But that didn't matter, because she loved her more than anything in the world. The daughter would begin to want more than a simple cosy life, so she ventured and she found a way out. She realised only too late how much her mother loved her and wanted nothing more than to protect her. In turn, her mother would never know how much her daughter missed her and wanted nothing more than to see her again.  

 As I returned to the apartment, Matt was there waiting for me.  

“I've invited some of my friends for dinner. I've ordered some pizzas, since I can't trust you to make dinner without lighting the kitchen on fire,” Matt chuckled, “Clean the place.” He ordered. By the time, Matt and his friends arrived, I had cleaned the entire apartment, making sure it was spotless. A crowd of people pushed through the door, bringing with them chatter and deafening noise. Matt was leading them, laughing roaringly. No one even noticed me. I stood there, invisible, as everyone rushed through the apartment, exploring, making a mess, putting their shoes on the sofa. I tried to stop them from eating chips in the living room as I had just cleaned it, but it was no use. Matt had all his focus on his friends, never glancing at me once. I attempted to reach for his hand, however, he pulled it away. I just sat there, helpless, unable to say anything. I stared out the window, imagining all the other places I could be in this very moment. The chatter and laughter clouded around me like a veil of mist and I just froze. As I sat there, I felt like I was drowning. I was living my nightmare. Water surrounded me, I was suffocating in it. The noise began to fade and I was left all alone in the cold dark water. What would happen if I just gave up and let myself drown? If no one was coming to save me, what was the point of trying? If I didn't matter, would I even be missed?  

The party finally ended and everyone returned home, drunk and exhausted. Matt sighed in satisfaction and felicity as he plopped down on a chair. I was busy cleaning the dishes.  

“Well, that was a lot of fun!” Matt commented merrily. 

“What's the matter?” He demanded, noticing my silence. I slammed the plate down and turned around.  

“You didn't look at me once, Matt. You ignored me this entire evening. It's like I didn't even exist.”  

“Don't be so dramatic. I was catching up with my friends!” 

“Exactly, your friends. I don't even know these people. They're all strangers, they're all older than me. I just felt so out of place!” 

“I can't believe you're making this evening about you! I was having a good time, until now. Now, you're ruining it and honestly, it's just selfish!” Matt stood up irately and went to the bedroom. I fought my urge to cry as I felt tears building up in my eyes. I finished cleaning the dishes before I followed Matt into the bedroom. 

“Matt? Do you even love me?” I asked, my voice quivering.  

“What is this question?” He blurted in disbelief.  

“You've never said it.” I whispered.  

“I don't believe you! Now, you're about to go on about this too and hold me hostage over the fact that I don't say a couple of stupid words! Love is only in movies, not in real life.” Matt stated in a matter-of-fact tone.  

“So, you don't love me?” I could feel my entire body beginning to tremble.  

“I've already told you: we're not that serious.” He said plainly. He lay down on the bed and reached over to switch the light off.  

“Not that serious?” I raised my voice, feeling rage pulsing through my body, “We live together! I gave up everything for you!” 

“I didn't ask you to do that!” Matt remarked indifferently.  

“I LOST EVERYTHING!” I cried.  

“Look at this life I provided for you! Look at everything I did for you! WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF NOT FOR ME?” Matt bellowed. I shook my head in anger and in utter misery.  

“I can't… I can't do this anymore.” I whimpered. I grabbed a bag and threw a couple of my vital belongings in it. I sprinted towards the door.  

“YOU'RE LEAVING ME? HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SURVIVE WITHOUT ME? HOW ARE YOU GOING TO LIVE WITHOUT ME? YOU'RE A CHILD, A USELESS CHILD. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?” I slammed the door and ran. I knew exactly where to go. I still kept my tears in as I scrambled through the city. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to burn the whole world. I found myself outside a small old house with Christmas lights hung up. I slowly walked up the small cobble path to the front door. I raised my fist and knocked. The door swung open and a women with dark blond hair and grey-blue eyes stood there, staring at me. I burst into tears and fell into the women's arms, wailing like a newborn baby.   

“Mum… I'm… ” I sobbed and choked up a few words.  

“Ssh… ssh…” she ran her hands through my messy hair and held me tightly against her chest, “oh, Miranda… I'm so glad you're home.”  

The water surrounded me, I was suffocating in it. However, this time, instead of forever waiting for an arm to reach in the water and pull me out. I swam, I fought with all the strength that I had. I could feel the determination pulsing through my body, giving me courage. My heart was beating faster than ever before. My muscles were aching, but I wasn't going to give up. It was like this entire time I was in a desert, searching for an oasis. I walked in a circle for years until I finally realised that the only way to seek out the oasis was to start again back home. From there, it was for me to find, for me to explore, for nobody else but me. You see, in life, no one will save you, people can either help you or drag you down, but no one can save you. As I gave one final push, I felt my head leave the water: I had reached the surface. I looked around, seeing the dark cold water of despair below me. I had made it out and no one could push me back in, for I had realised that the savior I was waiting for all along… was myself.