In The Stars

“I have to find her star tonight!” The attendant behind the desk at the assisted living looks at me with a mixture of curiosity and sympathy. “I need to be taken to the back of the property so I can gaze at the sky, please.”

I know there are no rules against wandering around the property at night. After all, we are not patients but residents. The trick is to find someone who will not forget you are outside, especially if the shift changes.

“Alright, Mr. Thompson, I’ll take you out. Remember to use your portable call button to come back in. I’ll be on duty for two more hours, so I will come get you if you do not call by then.”

“Thank you.” I say. I sit down in one wheelchair in the lobby and allow the desk attendant to push me to the back patio where it is dark. Fortunately, we are on the outskirts of our town, and the sky is clear tonight. I lean back and tilt my head toward the sky to see what looks like thousands of stars. “Remember to use your portable call button or I will be back to get you in a couple of hours.” The attendant says as she leaves.

I am alone on a cool, dark night. The slight breeze and the silence are pleasant. I have to find her star; I think to myself. Though I’m unsure why tonight, I feel it intensely. I remember roughly where to look in the sky, and I shift my gaze slightly to the right.

As I peer up intently, one star seems to stand out amongst the hundreds in that area. It doesn’t feel like a recognition. It feels more like a knowing. That has to be her star. I tilt my head and stare at the small point of light. A sense of peace envelops me.

As I stare, the point of light grows in my awareness. It is as though the entire star is coming toward me. First, it appears the size of a basketball in my vision. Then it grows in my vision and mind. Finally, I sense the entire brightness of the light all around with me in the center. Enveloped in a glorious feeling, I close my eyes and just feel. My internal vision and mind flow…

“Tag, you’re it!” I’m eight-years-old. I feel a slap on the back of my shoulder. The girl whose party I am at turns around and begins running in the other direction. She is about my age. I don’t know her. Her mom is friends with mine, and that’s how I got here. My first thought is to tag her back.

I run after her. She’s fast. Her brown hair is flying in the wind, and I keep chasing, but don’t seem to catch up. I think I can cut her off as she goes around the corner, but she easily dodges me. We make one trip around the backyard; she stays ahead. On the second trip around, I yell, “I give up, you win!”

She falls to the ground laughing, and I follow. It looks like she is having a lot of fun. She seems so happy and sure of herself. “I know this is your party, but I don’t know your name.” She replies with one word, “Joan.”

I talked to my new friend Joan a few times that day, cake, ice cream and a new friend, it was a great day…

As the vision fades, I feel the pleasant warmth grow inside me.

“Go, Go, Go Panthers” I hear from the stands. The football field is typical of a small high school. I am on the field in my team uniform. I play the receiver position. Since this is my senior year, this is one of the last chances I’ll get to play. I look beyond the cheerleaders on the sideline and spot Joan in the stands. She is yelling encouragement along with the crowd. I feel pride swell in my chest.

We have been “going steady” for about six months. It was funny; when she transferred to my school, something just seemed familiar about her. When she strode confidently up to me and asked, “Aren’t you that boy I bested at my party all those years ago?” I knew. We both laughed and got to know each other again.

Like in the game of Tag, I didn’t have a chance. Her outgoing personality and confidence quickly brought me under her spell. She must have liked me well enough because she consented to be my steady girlfriend. I see her yelling encouragement from the stands now, and I can’t believe how lucky I am. Whether or not we win this game, I feel like I’ve already won…

The vision fades again. The pleasant warm glow almost feels like a loving blanket across my being.

My wedding day is the best day of my life so far.

I had to go to war to discover my priorities. Out of high school, I went directly into military uniform and discovered some of the worst humanity offers. War isn’t “hell” it’s insanity. Anyway, I survived. The military trained me to be a helicopter mechanic. With a marketable skill, I went directly to what was most important. I asked Joan to marry me. We met with her parents, and they gave us their blessings.

I stand at the altar waiting for Joan’s father to march her down the aisle. The church is small but magnificent. The music increases in volume, I get a sense of excitement and lightheartedness. As she appears, I think that this is the most beautiful person I have ever seen. Her smile back at me says everything I need to know; this is right. This was meant to be.

The ceremony passes by as if I were in a dream. We exchange vows, rings are in place, and our kiss has a deeper meaning than ever before…

As the vision fades again, I feel myself floating in the dark. It’s almost as if loving arms are holding me. I feel loved, almost cherished, by some invisible force.

The saddest day of my life ended in a hospital. Joan and I are both over eighty now. We have had a wonderful life together. We’ve had our difficulties, but her quiet strength has always seemed to bring us through. Her love and energy have always been a beacon to help guide me.

Now it’s time for me to be strong. The doctor says she is dying. It seems impossible for someone who has always been so full of life. As I hold her hand, she opens her eyes and looks directly at me. “When you need me most, I will be there.” She says. I am struggling not to fall apart. I try to find the words to let her know how much she has meant to me.

Before I can speak, her body has a quick spasm. Her face takes on a serene expression. I stand there in shock. I feel like my life has just ended.

When the vision fades this time, I can feel the absolute love Joan has for me. It envelopes my soul. It floods me. I surrender to it. Now I know why I needed to find her star on this night. My release is total bliss. It’s time. I feel the absolute rightness of letting her love free me one last time. I feel my own body spasm as I pass from this earthly existence.

In the observatory: “Bob, I think I am going crazy or something. I need you to look at this. Do you remember that star that suddenly ‘showed up’ in one of my sectors about four months ago? The reading I am getting now shows it as a binary.”