The Saviour

Warning: Contains mentions of physical and mental abuse, and mental health issues.

"Tell me in your own words what happened, from the beginning." Said Dr Berry.

"It's been twenty-seven days since she left. The police will call off their search tomorrow. Twenty-eight days they said. After that they have to assume she doesn't want to be found.

"I long so much to hold her. To feel the warmth of her sweet breath whispering "I love you" in my ear. I miss her. I hope she's OK. Jesus, where do I start?"

"From the beginning."

"OK, well we met almost six years ago in the village when she had just moved here from the city. I don't know how, but I knew immediately that she needed someone to take care of her. As it turned out she'd had a colourful past, and that's putting it lightly. Growing up with a mentally ill mother and an abusive father had certainly taken its toll on her. She said she instantly trusted me, which for her was totally alien, never having anyone to rely on throughout her entire life.

"Back then she was different. Timid. Submissive almost. She said I was her knight in shining armour. We were so in love.

"It took her years to fully open up to me about her past. The pain of watching her mother's physical and mental health deteriorate, withering away at the hand of her father. His expanding choice of prey once her body started to change at age twelve. Then the peace she felt when she made a break for it, camping out in the forest for five weeks at just fourteen years old. When the police found her, she was wringing the neck of a farmer's chicken, desperate for food after relying on what she could forage from the forest for weeks on end.

"Her mother died in a mental hospital two years ago. she'd been placed there when social services got involved after the incident with the chicken. Of course, her father was in prison. And she'd been sent to live with a lovely couple who fostered her. They tried sending her to therapy, but I think it was too soon, she wouldn't talk, so instead she was loaded up with anti-depressants. which brings me back to what happened.

"Things started to change between us a few months ago. The arguments were the first thing that worried me. We used to get along so well, but she suddenly wanted to disagree with everything I said. It's weird really now that I think about it. The more her confidence grew, the more we argued. It was like she was turning into a completely different person, always bossing me around and never taking my feelings into consideration anymore.

"Then she started to spend more and more time alone, taking walks without me, sometimes staying out all day. "Don't you think it's good for us to spend some time apart now and then?" she would say. I could sense her growing more and more distant with me. And then things got really bad.

"She got ill. It was like a dimmer switch had been hovering just below full brightness and had suddenly been dialled all the way down to pitch black. It was like she hated me. Like actually hated me, you know? She couldn't get out of bed and would scream at me if I tried to talk to her. She was freezing cold, but sweating and shaking for days, so I called the doctor. When he came, I heard him saying she shouldn't have gone cold turkey with the anti-depressants. I didn't even know she'd stopped taking them! She didn't tell me anything. I begged the doctor to make her take them, but he said he couldn't do anything if she wasn't willing. It was hell! A living nightmare! She just lay there rotting and staring at the ceiling..."

"You haven't said anything for a while. Would you like to carry on? We can stop there if you like."

"No. No, I can carry on.

"The doctor said she was having withdrawal symptoms, and it was very likely she'd improve after a few days. And she did, but only physically. I swear, she went crazy. Kept wittering on about how I'd been gaslighting her and she had fallen for it, but not now that she was off the meds. All I ever did was take care of her. I loved her! I supported her in making decisions! I fucking kept her safe! She'd never had that, and I wanted to be the person who gave her security.

"The night she left she yelled at me about my ex. I mean, what the hell does my ex have to do with any of it? She was screaming about how I'd chased her off too. How I'd forced her into giving up her career. It was ridiculous!"

"And did you? Force your ex into giving up her career?"

"You're kidding me, right? Of course I didn't. We talked about it together and she realised that the stress of work was getting on top of her, and it would be good for her to take some time off. She loved being at home. She said she loved spending more time with me. Any more accusations?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to accuse you. I simply wanted to help you establish any patterns in your relationships."

"Patterns? I'll tell you what the pattern is here. I keep getting my heart broken. Women just like to see me hurt, don't they? I offer them nothing but security and support, but in the end, they just stomp all over my heart.

"Look, I'll prove it. See this piece of paper? See what it says... "Gone to live in the forest. It's the only place I've ever been truly happy. Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, but it was the only way." She said she didn't mean to hurt me. That's all she left me, a poxy note. How could she be so cold hearted?"

"You mentioned on the phone she sent you a letter that upset you. Would you mind reading that to me?"

"Sure, I suppose, but it's just more crazy bullshit.

"Hi Jax, I'm sorry about the way things ended with us but there are a few things I need you to know. Things you should really consider if you ever want to be happy.

"I did love you. I loved you so much it hurt. But getting things off my chest about my past made me a different person. A more confident person. And I don't need looking after anymore.

"I tried to tell you so many times that I wasn't comfortable with you making decisions for me, telling me what to wear, and who to hang around with. I tried so hard to tell you, but you made me feel like I must be going crazy again. Every time I got upset about it, you'd ask me if I had taken my meds and it made me feel like I was going nuts.

"Then when we were arguing and you said you preferred me when I was submissive, not bossy and domineering, well that was it. I'm strong now Jax. Stronger than you. And I know what's good for me. And that's not you."

"Is that the end?"

"She just mentions how happy she is now, that she's never felt more like herself. I mean, who the fuck is she? I carried her for six years! I kept her fucking safe!"

"Safe from who Jakson?"

"The world. She was hurt. She was needy. She needed saving."

"Saving from who? Her father was the one who hurt her and he's in prison now. Who did she need saving from?"

"She was scared. She needed protecting. I needed to protect her. Why does no one just let me fucking protect them. First my sister, then my ex, now her."

"Your sister?"

"She was run over and killed when we were kids. She was supposed to hold my hand, but she just wouldn't let me protect her. I just wanted her to be safe."