A New Day

In the month of July, year 2025, for the first time of my recollection, I woke up outside. Well, not in a literal sense but I was feeling quite beside myself physically. It was almost as if I was encountering this side of life for the first time. Prior to this glorious month, I had been filling my days with stuff to do that made me feel productive. I intentionally used stuff because it was just that, inflating empty space to fill an emptiness innate. Performing exercises with the intent to gain something rather than for the actual benefit of caring for my temple adequately. The basketball drills were fun in high school, but right now, its heightening my masculine and that’s what I am trying to hone in. I lost my appetite figuratively first. No drive, not feeling the hype of waking up at 5 to go for a run. How did I ever find that fun? Honestly, I hate running, but I convinced myself I needed to. Especially sonce it’s the thing to do and everyone seems to seek the solace that comes from said activity. Then in real time I noticed my groceries stared at me or the metal in the bin than my stomach lining. Just water. I only wanted to drink or eat coconut/water. My appetite for success gradually decreased because it felt like a task than an honor. I started this routine to get to where I thought I wanted to go. A direction everyone was telling me I was highly inclined at. Savant even. And I do not disagree, it is a gifting. I allowed others to have the driver’s seat in my destiny unknowingly so who was I to argue? Lately, it seemed like everyone else knew me better anyway which slightly alleviated some pressure in making a wrong move. “These people are successful, so they must have a key hidden in their suggesting.” Taking every opportunity that appeared shiny. Every oppportuniuty within the confines of a label whether it be “Christian” “Clean” “Musician” “Vegetarian” When we force an identity upon ourselves subconsciously seeking a belonging, comfort, or a community, we automatically exclude ourselves from any outside possibility. What do I mean? Well, if I am something, I cannot be that AND something else at the same time if they contradict. Or can I? Oxymoron. Not knowing there was an untouched internal depth as I constantly find myself in deep reflect, it was astonishing. The vastness of my oceans was a current nothing outside of my own prior life experiences could have prepared me for. When they say everything happens for a reason, it was in this space and time that those reasons began to reveal themselves. Stillness flooded my brain waves. From such calamity came a renowned peace. I received a vivid download of clarity, personal development, and enlightenment that seemed to procure over night. This was the week before my birthday so of course I am hype, thinking this is finally going to be a year of change. At the time, not able to recognize the small actions that I habitually practiced became a conglomeration of unhealthy reactions. Impulse control on zero. Subconsciously convincing myself further into the discomfort, "I just always been like this". Identity crisis. Feeling out of my skin thinking I'm gay when, its the divinity of the feminine that I see in other women that intrigues my interest. It was something I wanted to posses. I had became overly protective feeling sexualized and unprotected in my family leading to overcompensation as a tomboy forming a shield. Unsure how to carry myself and my true skin began to peel. To be entirely transparent, at that point, I was only able to recognize less men than I am comfortable to share that have made me feel truly safe in this lifetime. Trauma? Well, this is why history stays on repeat. These loops replay unconsciously carrying a cyclical nature of rehearsed embodiments void of authenticity because we are so checked out from within. The more I acknowledge this new method of thinking, "Why do I feel alert. not vigilant?" "Why do I feel taking on more pain is noble?" "Who told me that this belief is true and why do I continue to believe what other people feed me when they do not eat nutritionally dense (energetically speaking) themselves?" I looked out my window observing the deer eating grass on my lawn. They never worry, they eat, sleep, flee, repeat. I saw how their head was always on a swivel. How exhausting, I think. Constantly being in fight or flight, how can you breathe? Then I acknowledge their design. They are not missing out on anything. They are hardwired this way and consciously, they cannot create so to them, this is their most fulfilling way of life. They're at their capacity. What is this that I am senses for them? The epitome of why I am circling. I do not want to go to hell. I do not want to upset those around. I do not want to be judged. I do not want to be disliked. All these things that I do not want to be or the places I do not want to go continue to lead me further from my self and nowhere closer to my desired outcome. It keeps it just out of reach. Hmm... I sat there, truly questioning the things that have kept me right at capacity. I made the decision I want to love life. I see how time passes others and I am feeling like I have an abundance of time. I am recognizing the futile methods of escapism done from a subconscious level which admittedly, I previously engaged in. Actually, I began to accept instead of bypass the a I judged. Now, I sense a grace and compassion instead of a judgement. We truly are what we eat. I could no longer consume religion in a literal sense, compromise my boundaries or morale for the sake of acceptance, and no longer would I place the suffocating pressure of perfection upon my self because performance precedes ego while expression honors creativity. I found this to be my second chance at life. As a mother, as a friend, as a child, and as my own true identity. Leaving behind what no longer serves me so my start is fresh, untainted, and untamed. Its not for us to control, but to experience so why not unlearn ourselves just as when we were children, to experience life in a fulfilling, fresher way? Humbling to say the least...well...'twas for me.

-Purpose P3ace