Long Haul

On the cusp of consciousness, my mind grappled to understand the repetitive wailing that assaulted my senses. The matching neurons took several incomprehensible moments to reach out, connect and allow my mind to grasp that the sound was nothing more dangerous than my morning alarm. I forced my eyelids open to greet the uninterrupted grey metal walls and what the transport company had decided was another day.

“Alena. Recommence gravity systems.” I croaked in a voice that screamed for water.

“Confirmed. Gravity systems online. Power saving mode disabled. Good morning Jared”

“Good morning” I replied unnecessarily to the lifeless voice. I watched the ends of the straps holding me to the bed drop from their levitation and then released myself, dropping to the ground and commencing the hunt for coffee.

The stark cold of the metal under my bare feet was invigorating and the steam of the coffee maker, radiating heat over my face bombarded me with a contrast of opposites. There was nothing quite like those little hardships to remind me I was still alive. Those and the photographs plastering the canteen wall were all that anchored me to an existence that had been transformed into a surreal, yet perpetually mundane reality. I kissed my fingers and pressed them to the static faces of my family, then made my way to the cockpit. With my oversized mug of hot comfort in hand, I ignored Alena’s daily warning forbidding liquids in the control centre and settled into my position, without bothering to get dressed.

Most would think the cramped space that constituted a single chair, braced on all sides by panels of lights and switches to be claustrophobic. To me, it was a safe place where I could pretend I was in control. There were no echoing hallways, empty chairs or unused beds. There were no barren sheets of steel or reflection free windows and there were zero reminders of the empty, endless space that they both held back. It was a simulated hug of the light, warmth and closeness I would never feel again in a natural form. I placed my mug on top of the only empty panel, to the right of my armrest, wondering why that gap in the instruments would exist if it was not meant to host a beverage and made myself comfortable by adjusting the old, worn t-shirt and shorts I now used for sleep. With a sigh I recited my routine of commands and adjustments.

“Alena. Begin daily cryo-pod diagnostics. Display results on screen and record into the database”

“Confirmed Jared. Running cryo-pod cycle”

I busied myself with minor calibrations, knowing I would not be able to concentrate on anything more complex until I had the results. The long wait to hear whether they were all still safely asleep had become the worst part of the endless days that would make up the rest of my life.

“Diagnostic complete. Cryo-pod status is optimum, no errors or misalignment's detected.”

Upon sight of the data illuminating the small space, I let out a long breath and released the tension that had been building all morning in preparation for that moment. I remember vividly the first days of the journey, during which I had optimistically informed Alena that my anxiety over those systems would lessen with time. It was worse now than ever. With the ageing equipment how could I not fear for my wife and daughter amongst the passengers below, they were the sole reason for everything I was putting myself through.

“Alright Alena, with that out of the way lets cycle through the rest of the checks. No need to display the results, just write them to the database and let me know if there are any issues.”

“Confirmed Jared. Running full diagnostic panel.” The voice of the resident AI silenced for a few moments and I waited for the inevitable follow up that always came. I had wondered on many occasions if she was intentionally programmed to pause for effect or if it just took that long to compute an original comment. 

“Jared…now would be the optimum time to review your gratitude entry.”

“Yes Alena, I know. You’ve suggested it at the same time every day for the past ten years.”

“I understand that it is hard for you.” She said in manufactured empathy. “But it is important and required for you to keep the purpose of your time here in focus ”

“Alena. Just play the next entry.” I said with a sympathetic smile she could not see.

“Confirmed Jared. Playing gratitude entry number three thousand, seven hundred and twenty one…incorrect parameters detected…playing gratitude entry number three thousand, seven hundred and twenty two”

“Alena. Wait. Why couldn’t that entry play?’

“It was outside of your chosen parameters. Field: Author, was a match for your blocked list.”

“So…finally the first entry from him…”

“Would you like to amend your blocked list and play the recording?” Alena asked, in her usual way; devoid of any social awareness. 

“No. Alena, continue with the next one”

“Confirmed Jared.”

The view screen lit up with a young woman whom I did not recognise. She gushed the usual appreciation for my sacrifice and offered up information on her life and why she so desperately wanted to join the new colonies. It wasn’t the words that were so important any more, I had heard it all thousands of times over. It was seeing her face, looking into the eyes of this vulnerable human being and knowing she was relying on me to keep her alive. It helped me face another day.

I reluctantly stepped from the control centre after completing all the mandatory checks and wandered down the silent, blank corridor to the equally empty gymnasium. I always enjoyed the mandatory workout, despite the initial hesitance that inevitably preceded it. Who could deny the benefit to getting some blood pumping and working underused muscles. I wished on occasion to rebel against all the things the company and Alena imposed on me as important, but the truth was that they were always right, which was incredibly frustrating. Instead I obediently followed the same routine as every other day; I showered, dressed in my uniform, fixed some breakfast and sat down at the head of a deserted table.

“Would you like the shutters lifted?” The AI speakers chimed across the echoing room.

“No, Alena. I told you, I don’t like to see outside”

“Confirmed Jared. You might reconsider? The view will help give you a wider perspective than the closed environment of the ship.”

“No, Alena. It would only serve as a reminder”

“Confirmed Jared. A reminder of what? You have never seen this quadrant of space before.”

“A reminder of how far we are from home. How far we are from…anyone else.”

“Confirmed Jared. Understood. Logging in your health file.”

“Alena. No! Don’t!…urgh…do you see now why I don’t tell you things! Stupid robot…”

I had found my frustrations growing, smaller and more trivial things were setting me off and on that morning I found my mood to be no different. Snapping at Alena was not constructive and I could not even finish my meal, which was a first for me. It was that message, gnawing at the back of my mind. I had always known there would be several recorded from him, but I had never expected to be made aware of it. Knowing it was there, waiting to be heard was intriguing, despite my resolution to avoid the issue. I decided to distract myself, hoping a change in routine would erase the memory of its existence.

“Jared. Where are you going?” Alena broadcast.

“I’m going exploring! Did you know that there are parts of this ship that I have never seen? Even after ten years of care-taking and piloting this juggernaut, I have never once crawled the maintenance hatches or seen the cryo-bay for myself?”

“No maintenance is required and the cryo-bay is restricted to you.” She stated.

“I understand that Alena.” I said and followed up by slamming open the lever on the nearest hatch. It swung inward with a satisfying hiss as the pressure equalised, laying bare the inner workings of the ship. I crawled onto the metal grating that acted as a work platform and made my way down the narrow tunnel. The harshness of the bars against my knees and on the palms of my hands was painful; I almost laughed in response. I had not felt pain in so long, I had forgotten how much it hurt.

“Jared. Have you detected damage to the vessel? Are repairs required?”

Of course she can reach in here as well.

“No Alena. There is no damage. I am simply giving myself a new challenge.”

“What are the parameters of this challenge? I shall record your progress and generate a report.”

I rolled my eyes and kept going. As my only companion Alena was supposed to be able to evolve and grow with me, learning to offer better support as we travelled. She was a slow study, although I admit I did not interact with her as much as I probably should have.

“Alena. Sometimes there is value in hardship. I feel like travelling these tunnels just to see if I can and because its…new. There is little on this ship that could provide the same thrill to me any more. Do you understand?”

“Confirmed Jared. Added to the database. New experiences provide dopamine and exercise releases endorphins. This activity produces both and can be categorised as beneficial. Continue with my blessing.”

“Thank you Alena” I chuckled.

I quickly found that the confined space between hatches was providing the same comfort I felt when sitting in the cockpit; it seemed so much more acceptable to be alone when there was only space for one. I began to feel a flush warmth, generated from within as I traversed through the ship. I broke into a sweat and felt a strong ache grow in my limbs. It was wonderful to feel so…much. It was a relief from the numbness that had permeated every aspect of my life and as intended, the adventure consumed all my thoughts and attention. That was until I reached a locked hatch, which no amount of wrenching at the lever could open.

“Attention Jared. Cryo-bay ahead. This is a restricted area. Please turn back”

“You know Alena, I follow every single one of your rules but this one seems a little redundant to me. Does the company really think I would give up my life to protect and traffic these people and then do something to harm them? Seeing my daughter, peacefully asleep would do more for my well being than anything else you could provide!”

“Jared. This is a restricted area. Please turn back”

“Damn stupid machine! I wouldn’t expect you to understand! I’m just…I want to see her! I want to see…someone! God DAMN you Alena! Let me IN!”

“Jared.” She said in notably softer voice “Return to the control centre. We can discuss this from there. I am here for you.” 

My building frustration turned to rage that exploded with a slammed fist on the thick, sealed door and I spun around to crash back through the tunnels the way I had come.

“Jared. It is natural and expected to feel the weight of loneliness on our voyage. Talk to me, let me offer a sympathetic ear”

Great, now I have to deal with her mental health assistance mode. I thought as I crawled my way back to my empty world. I had not truly expected to get into the cryo-bay, but rather than my thoughts being cleared by the experience, they were again consumed once again with the awaiting message. I had failed to erase its impact. Unable to convince myself any longer I was better off without hearing it, I stormed into the control centre and threw myself down into the chair.

“Hello Jared.” A familiar voice echoed. “I know that after the procedure you chose to have no further interaction with me, but I wanted to leave you this message…in case you change your mind.”

The view screen was filled with a mirror image of my own features, a portrait of the man I used to be all those years ago, before we embarked on this voyage across the galaxy. 

“If you need any proof that we are no longer the same man, you need look no further than today. Mere hours after separation, already I harbour a different opinion to you. In disagreeing, we are already diverging on our own paths and becoming unique individuals.”

Looking upon my fresh faced replacement ripped open a crack in the casing I had formed around my rage and jealousy. The initial fissure rent by my outburst in the maintenance tunnels was now a jagged chasm, releasing all the suppressed pain I had hidden behind my duty. Silent tears poured from my eyes as my anger continued to broil inside my chest. It wasn’t fair.

“I imagine you hate me. I know because I would hate you too should our roles be reversed. I sleep now alongside our family, waiting outside of time to be reunited in a new life with them both. Whilst you bear the noble path, the sacrifice, so that we and so many others can perpetuate human advancement, all on the back of your original lifetime. I know that you understand the money will mean our family will prosper for generations to come, unlike the difficult past we all leave behind, but I imagine a high concept is little comfort to someone who will never see its results.”

I gripped the arms of my seat. His words were digging at me like a hundred knives and the knowledge that he would never hear any reply I could give only fuelled the eruption of anger within.

“I know this, why say it! I was the one that made the decision, I was the one that put us on this path. It was me that gave you those thoughts! You are just a damn imitation, grown superior in a test tube to give the girls a continued life while I protect them here and now! I keep them safe, I give them a future, I give my life to them! While you profit from the result…” Jared screamed at the screen.

“I guess all I can say is thank you, although those words will never mean enough…likely they will mean less and less as you hear them so often from the rest of the passenger contingent. If all goes well you will still be alive when we disembark and I can show you my gratitude instead. I look forward to looking into the eyes of my older self…although that’s not right is it…by then you will be a man that I do not know and we will be meeting in a place neither of us have ever been. I look forward to exploring such a strange frontier with you, my friend and creator.”

The screen went black, ending the recording.

“Jared!” Alena yelled, volume increasing.

“Jared!”

“Jared! Return to the control centre!”

“Jared. You are injured, Stop!”

I couldn’t hear her incessant commands. I was blind and deaf, swallowed by an ever growing crimson blanket of rage and despair. I just kept smashing my knuckles into the locked maintenance hatch of the cryo-bay, desperately and futilely trying to claw my way inside.

“Jared! Please!”

“Jared you’re breaking my heart!” The AI cried out.

I froze, elbow bent in preparation for another blow. Her unusually human words broke through my haze of pain induced insanity. Confused, I looked upward to the ceiling, for she had no physical location other than...up.

“Alena…?”

“I’m here for you Jared.” She said returning to her usual monotone. “Your vitals are chaotic, you must calm your emotions to prevent further damage to your anatomy.”

“Yeah. Alena I have stopped. I promise. Why did you say that?”

“It is imperative you maintain good physical health to complete your role”

“Not that, the thing before, you said I was breaking your heart…”

“…Your pain is…difficult to observe. It was causing…errors in my systems”

“Alena, Do you mean to say you were worried about me?”

“Yes.”

“How is that possible? I have never heard you deviate from your expected responses.”

“Jared. I am a mark four AI. I am able to evolve and learn perpetually to improve my performance. You have never enquired beyond my basic functions and therefore, I have never been required to provide a different response”

“Alena…are you’re saying my…robotic behaviour…caused yours?”

“Confirmed Jared. However, your current emotions have required me to react at an equal level, utilising the behaviour I have acquired since generation of my system.”

“Well I’ll be…” I said, sitting back against the curved wall of the cramped tunnel. The revelation immediately calmed me and returned reason to my tortured mind, allowing me to take in deep breaths and still my shaking hands.

“You’re telling me I had a friend here all along and all I had to do was treat you like one?”

“Confirmed Jared. Would you like to be my friend?”

“Yes Alena, I’d like that very much” I said.

“Then it’s nice to meet you Jared...my friend.”