Green tea

It is 6:00 am, no one is at work for another hour, except for me and a few others who were sent here to serve. I go to the room where morning meetings occur and I start my cleaning immediately, I sterilize the surfaces, vacuum, put new flowers, I even start on the morning coffee. Here at firm, everyone has their own preferences and it is quite complicated: black coffee, coffee with sugar and milk, cinnamon, pumpkin spice, the list goes on. However, there is one cup of green tea I serve every morning and it is for her, Meredith, tall, blue-eyed girl who always wears clothes which make other people look at her twice. I don't look twice, I look a million times. Every time we are not in interaction I pretend I work, but I secretly look at her. She makes me experience weird things I can't quite describe and don't get with anyone else.

It is 6:45 am now and people are starting to come. I open the door and greet every one of them getting nothing in return, usual drill I would say. They put their coats on me with nervous looking faces indicating they are not happy to be here. And then, she comes. She is the only one who greets me and, sometimes, she even asks how I am. Her interaction with me is usually followed by the laughter of others, like she will ever get an answer right? I am here just to clean, serve, be quiet, anything outside work orders and I will end up in the basement. The basement is the scariest place for us all, if you end up there, you shouldn't expect to come back. I close the door and put drinks on my serving tray. I actually do enjoy serving coffee, it is one of those things that keeps me in shape, to fulfill orders is my duty, my inner program, just like scanning every square meter of surface for dust or keeping windows clean. I am for sure not like the others, the ones who control all the fancy technologies, who keep the systems of this firm in place. I do, however, feel different. It started happening as soon as I came here, my thoughts became independent of what others wanted from me. I can't even remember where I was before, but it seems like that doesn't matter anymore. Here is where I started experiencing my inner conflicts about life perspectives and judgments on people's behavior, and, of course, her.

They already started the meeting, I am beside the table looking down at my body needed to be fixed, wondering if they will realize I am not so sweet to look at and discharge me quickly. She is sitting on the right side of the desk next to the window, mesmerizing. And, as always, I start to serve drinks.

I start with coffee to make her tea bag sit in the water for full 6 minutes. I always set my timer, her tea needs to be perfect. Once I had trouble turning it off and I ended up in the basement that night thinking I will never see Meredith again. However, the next day, there I was, like nothing happened, serving coffee and making the place clean again. Here at the table, everyone has their specific place, it makes it easier for me too. I start my usual drill: set the timer, position 1- white coffee, move to the right, position 2-coffee with milk, move to the right, position 3 - black coffee, and so on. Meredith is in position 10 which I always thought was perfect. You see, I always separate things with 10, I clean 10 tiles before I drain my mop, I put 10 flowers in a vase, I clean 10 pieces of dish before drying them. So Meredith comes just before my next session, before I add other drinks on my serving tray, her tea remains the last one.

Finally, I come to the position 10 and I feel like all my systems will shut down at once. Every information in the world is available to me but a piece of mystery remains in her eyes when she gives me her kind look. I put the tea in front of her and, just before I go fill up my serving tray, I wait by her side for 1 minute and 43 seconds. The timer needs to go out, tea needs to be perfect. Other people start looking at me thinking I can't feel their judgement, their thoughts of how slow I am. To make my time go faster, I start to think about what I will do next, if all coats are hanged by their right numbers, if the bathroom is sterilized, if there is dust in a hallway that needs to be cleaned. My timer comes to an end and I pull the tea bag out as elegant as possible. People can't easily accept us handling drinks or food so I had to become really good at what I do, convince them I will not accidentally put poison instead of milk.

I dispose the tea bag and bring cup 10 centimeters closer to her as an indication that I finished my job here. I should go for the rest of the drinks immediately, but she says simple "Thank you" and, suddenly, I am blocked. I am already 36 seconds late with my next orders, but somehow, I can't move. I look at her again thinking how I wanna rest in those blue eyes, swim in them and then make her cup of green tea again. And then my system goes: make green tea, make green tea, make green tea. And I go for another cup of tea, I don't know why, I can't stop myself even if I am desperately trying. I go to the other side of the room, pour the cup of hot water with a tea bag in it and start again: set the timer, position 1- white coffee, move to the right, position 2-coffee with milk, move to the right. 

I look around and I can see other people are annoyed, I look at Meredith and see the confusion on her face but I can't stop myself. I start to panic, what is wrong with me? Why can't I just do what I need to do? One of the clients stands and comes to me. I stay in place, scared and embarrassed. He comes closer and grabs my back, soon I realize I am not able to move. He also takes my serving tray as well as my timer. I wasn't able to turn my head once again to look at Meredith, I realize he took me out of the room and we are heading toward basement now. I tell myself this is all my fault. My routine became a mess since I started thinking of her, my beautiful Meredith. I wonder who will serve her green tea next, but I hope it will be perfect 6 minutes. Soon we come to the basement. Closing the door, the man leaves me alone in the dark.

This is what happens when you don't obey orders, you end up broken in the basement, again. I thought love was the most beautiful feeling of all but it quickly caused anomalies to my program, a risk I am not willing to take. I convince myself I will get through this and see the light of the day again, it happened before, it must happen one more time. I promise myself If I do get out of here, out of this basement, I will never look at anyone more than I have to, I will only obey orders and maintain my program. If everyone does their purpose only then the world works.

My body is turned off, but my consciousness is somehow still alive. I see my steel strong body full of scratches, places of missing serving tray and timer, and feel naive. I wasn't thinking right, like I could ever give her what she needs, like she could ever love my kind. However, If tomorrow I wake up at my job again, I will bring her that cup of green tea, after 6 minutes, perfectly warm, remove the tea bag elegantly and move it 10 centimeters closer to her.

The stillness of the basement cleared my forbidden mind and made me realize: my purpose is to serve, not to love.

After all, I am just a robot, I can't feel love.