Out of the rut, and into the rabbit hole

I looked around the small bedroom at the bare walls, the unmade bed and the empty shelves on the wall, and couldn’t help but feel as empty as this room.  I told myself this day is what I have worked for all these years.  Being a single mother was never easy but there were good times and I realized how much I will cherish these memories. 

Everyone had warned me about the day your adult child moves away from home. I knew it was coming, I could feel the sullen teenager being replaced by a young adult who was yearning to set herself free and stand on her own two feet. I raised her to be independent and damned if she wasn’t exactly that now. 

I helped her figure out what she would need for her own apartment and we shopped together. Our thing had always been shopping and eating, and most of the time we would find a way to do both.  It was one of our bonds.  We walked from one store to the other paying the least that we could for many items.  Motherhood teaches you many things but single motherhood teaches you survival skills that can rival that of a Navy Seal. 

She tried her best to act cool about finally moving out on her own but I could sense her excitement. And her fears.  I asked her about her pending bills, but she kept waving her hand away telling me that she had gotten it all straightened out. 

“I don’t need your help mom.”

Indeed she didn’t. In a blink of an eye a pick up truck and some of her friends arrived to load up her life, and a large part of mine and move it to another town.  So many emotions ripped through, starting and ending with pride, but in between was the fear and sadness that comes with realizing you are not needed the way you always have been. 

There was also this inexplicable and very surprising twinge of losing control.  When she was with me I had at least a bit more control over what she was doing, and who she was with. Now I have to trust that she has learned to make good choices and decisions. Trust has never been my strong suit. I suddenly thought of all of the stupid things my child could find herself in the middle of, the sketchy location of her apartment and that she will be living alone with her cat. 

Shaking off the thoughts I looked around her room noticing the large rectangles where her posters were on the wall, and remembered the specific poster she used to cover a giant hole in her wall.  I shut the door to her bedroom and decided I will work on that some other time. I will give her situation some time and be sure she is ready before transforming her room into something else. Maybe an office, I’ve always wanted a separate space to work.  

Letting out a sigh I sat down on the couch and turned on the television.  I half-heartedly looked for something to watch. I gave up on cable years ago and flipped through apps to try to decide what to watch, only to throw down the remote in frustration. My child has left home, I actually have the house to myself and this is what I choose to do. Watch TV.  I thought back to a conversation with my best friend at lunch last week. She had been eyeing me, gauging my reactions to questions about Joey’s big move. Lilah knew me better than pretty much anyone on the planet and I knew better than to do my usual posturing and pretending that none of this was bothering me. 

“So how many days until the big move?” Lilah asked me. 

“Four, I’m amazed she didn’t make one of those little paper chains like she did at Christmas when she was little.”

Lilah chuckled in response. “Well she has worked very hard to get to this point, you should be proud.”

“Oh, I am.  I am very proud of her.”

Lilah eyed me closely and said in a very casual tone “You know Emma, Joey isn’t the only one who is starting out fresh here. You are finally free. You can pick up and have a life. I know that you had her so young, and I love how you have focused on Joey over the years. But now you can focus on you for a change.” 

Focus on me. What was that again? How does that work? I truly have forgotten how to do that. 

I pulled out my phone and noticed the app Lilah insisted I download. A dating app. She helped me pick out pictures and create a profile. Suddenly I was thrust into the dating world, whether I was ready or not. Well, I wasn’t ready then and that’s why my profile had not gone live. I decided to finish the last few questions. My thumb hovered for a moment, and then I clicked submit. My profile is now live.  

I idly scrolled through many pictures of eligible men. I saw an array of men, of all ages and realized I needed to narrow my search. I zeroed in on men that are local, and within my age range. I am not looking to raise a man, nor see him finish out his golden years. Tall, and at least have a job.  I have noticed over the years some men are intimidated by an educated woman. I pushed the education level to at least “some college”. There. 

Now what? 

As the next few days went by I would get notified of someone viewing my profile but there was not a message following that so I did nothing either. Never thought an app would give me such a feeling of rejection. I started to wonder if I should even be on the app. 

No. Enough of living this boring life. Work. Home. Rinse and repeat. 

I pulled out the app and decided to follow up with a few of the views and even check out a few guys myself. I suddenly felt empowered and was willing to consider something other than this rut I've found myself in.

I browsed and came across some men in my area. Within 20 minutes I was already tired of the obligatory picture of the man holding up a fish he'd caught or literally sitting on his freshly killed animal.

Really? So they really think we like this?

I was suddenly worried I may be pulling myself out of one rut only to drop myself down into another. 

Over the next several weeks my activity on the app picked up and so did my dating life. I found myself messaging with different men and noticed a trend. Some, thankfully not all, will literally jump into talking about sex and make it perfectly clear that was all they were looking for.

I even was getting good at cutting them off before they started. And we won't talk about receiving pictures of their man parts or flatly requesting pictures from me.

Is this really what dating is like these days? No wonder so many people throw in the towel and stay single.

There were some men that I chose to go out with.

Emotional guy:

This guy becomes emotionally attached quickly. At first this might even seem ok because it denotes a  man who is secure expressing himself.  But then you're being told things like

"You are just so incredible, I haven't found anyone like you. You make me forget all the hurts from my past"

Sounds good right? It's a little uncomfortable 1 week in.

The IT guy:

Now this one was a real gem.  He was my age, worked in IT for a security company and in general really appeared to be a good person to consider dating. His son was also grown and he even had a new baby grandson. I agreed to swap cell phone numbers and that was when I started noticing something odd. 

He seemed to know what I was doing. At first I thought I was being paranoid. It seemed odd how I would be doing something, like listening to Bob Seger on youtube on my phone, and he would comment how much he loves Bob Seger. Then one day he said something to me that made about 27 different red flags shoot up. 

“Yeah this one crazy lady I talked to here accused me of hacking her phone. Crazy. She was nuts. She just wanted to bail but wasn’t a grown woman enough to tell me.”

“Really? Wow that is crazy”  I said as my head was spinning and I suddenly was thinking of all the crazy coincidences.  I’d tell a friend in a text that I was going to the store and he would start talking about how running errands alone is boring for him. A male friend would call me, and then he would start asking me if I was dating other men. 

So I blocked him until I could figure out what else to do. 

After consulting with an IT guy at work about what to do, he asked me to unblock his number for a moment so he could get some information about the phone number. Oddly not even 30 seconds after unblocking his number, he texted me “Hey, what’s up?”

Stan turned to me and said “Yep, he’s got you.”  What followed was me backing up my phone, which thankfully I had already done recently with my photos and my contacts and then putting my phone back to factory settings followed by a virus scanner and Stan thoroughly going through my phone with a fine tooth comb. 

“I can’t make any promises, but here you go. I think we got rid of him.”  Stan told me. 

I was ashamed and felt stupid. Stan insisted that unfortunately this happens all the time. He actually met his wife online and he understands that part of the dating world. 

“Just be careful handing out your cell phone number and for the love of God get a virus scanner on your phone. It isn’t full proof but it can at least make it harder for someone to get into your phone.”

Grab ass drunk guy

Now this guy wasn’t even really all that appealing to me, but when he asked me out for dinner I thought, it sure beats spending a Friday night home alone. I had been working very hard at not overthinking myself right out of things that might actually be good for me and decided to take a chance. Besides, how bad can one night be?

Well let me tell you how bad it can be. 

Frank asked me to meet him at a sports bar about 30 minutes or so from my house.  I arrived and he was sitting at the bar, and waved a jovial hello when he spotted the pink shirt I was wearing. He smiled happily and I had a surge of gratitude that I made myself do this. Maybe this will be a fun night. 

About 5 minutes into the conversation I started realizing that he wasn’t so much jovial as he was half drunk.  I ordered a diet soda and explained that I have a long drive home. 

“Well I don’t like that, Emma. You HAVE to have at least a beer at a sports bar.”

For about 10 seconds I considered my options. I am after all trying to force myself to take chances and stop being so pedestrian. 

Pedestrian. A person I DON’T want to hit on my way home because I’ve had too much to drink. 

“No” I said firmly. “I hardly ever drink and it wouldn’t take much for me to get tipsy.”

As the night wore on, he continued to order one obligatory beer after another. 

He talked about his career.  His job was to aimlessly wander around a golf course, owned by his father.  “I keep an eye on things and make sure everyone is doing what they are supposed to be” was his job description.

As I ate my hamburger and refilled my diet soda, he ate wings and slurped down one beer after another. I lost count and realized I needed to get the hell out of here.  I lied and told him I needed to get home, as my daughter was going to stop by for a visit.

Out in the parking lot he insisted I hug him.  I tried backing away but bumped into a car. He proceeded to put his octopus arm on me, grabbed my ass and thanked me for a great night. I disentangled myself and pushed him away, hard. I climbed in my car and didn’t look back. 

As I drove home, wiping off the imaginary remnant of a sloppy kiss that he somehow managed to plant on my neck trying to figure out how I went from living life in a rut to dropping down the rabbit hole.  

My phone rang and I pushed the call button.

“Hi Mom!” 

“Hey Joey, I’m driving home from another date.”

“How did it go mom? Was he nice?”

I shared the story of my date, including the sloppy kiss.  Joey had already heard my other dating woes and commented “Mom, I’m starting to think you’ve found yourself in a dating rut.  Maybe it’s time to start looking offline for a man.”

“Joey, I’m not into the bar scene.  It just isn’t my thing.  

"I know Mom but maybe you could come with some of us to Marley's on Friday night. It's Beck's birthday and I know she would love to see you."

I agreed to go because Beck is my bonus daughter. She was at my house as much as her own when the girls were growing up. It would be good to see her. 

Friday night rolled around and I was starting to get a peculiar feeling. Joey seemed a bit more interested than usual about what I was going to wear, and if I was going to put on make up.

"Mom you should try some of that eye shadow I gave you, it really makes your eyes turn green." 

"You really look good in that pink button down shirt Mom."

Sure enough I arrive at Marley's only to discover I have been set up.

There among a group of people, sat Todd.

Todd, I have known this man since Joey was little.  He has a son in the grade above Joey in school and we would bump into each other in places like PTA meetings, school functions, and other town festivities.  I have also had a slight crush on this man for about the same amount of years.  But isn’t he married?  

My eyes dropped to his hand, and I saw no ring. Then I remembered hearing a rumor a few years back that he and his wife divorced.  

His hair had some gray and maybe he had put on a few pounds, but he was still incredibly handsome. So much so I suddenly felt very insecure. Here I was still getting chills when I’d see him, but I know I am very much out of his league. 

“He still looks great doesn’t he? Go talk to him.” 

“Joey, I am not his type, you remember how beautiful his ex-wife is. He’s nice but I don’t think he would be interested in me.”

“Mom, don’t you see yourself? You’re beautiful. You have spent so many years looking after me you haven’t even seen how you have evolved and changed.  And don’t think I haven’t noticed the changes in you since I moved out and you started getting out more.”

“Joey, thank you.” 

With that I walked over to the table and sat down.  

“Hey Todd, how are you?  You look great!”

Todd smiled that beautiful smile and said “Emma it’s great to see you again too. And my God you look beautiful as ever.”

Epilogue

We are getting married next week.