The Last Dinner

Her heart beat so rapidly it was folly to try and measure it against her watch, though she tried, tapping her foot on the ground in a similarly frenzied pace. The ambient, romantic lighting of the restaurant was so juxtaposed to her state of mind that some part of her felt like laughing, but most of her thoughts were bent on keeping herself from sweating through her red dress. She’d worn this dress the first time she’d been at this restaurant, when she was nervous for a much different reason. Glancing at her watch again, she realized he was late. He was almost never late. In fact, he often chided her for being late. Why was he late? Where was he? Was he okay? What if there had been some accident? Perhaps she should call him now - or would that seem like a nervous gesture? Was that a bead of sweat on her forehead, or-

Her meandering onslaught of questions was interrupted when a tall man in a light blue shirt walked through the door of the restaurant. The maître d' pointed him towards her table. She rose, her heart going even faster now, if that was even possible.

“Hey, Heather,” he said warmly, embracing her with a kiss on the cheek. 

“Hi, David,” she replied. Even in heels, she was half a foot shorter than him. His tan arms, though he often felt they were too long and lanky, looked great in his well fitted dress shirt, which had just one button undone at the top, when it was customarily two or three. Is that a sign? she thought, hastily taking her seat. 

“Sorry I’m late,” he said, picking up a menu, “Traffic was terrible out of the city and it didn’t help that a patient kept me late. Oh - and it’s raining, too.” He donned his round, browline reading glasses, which made him look like a distinguished professor, according to Heather, though he felt they made him look old.

“Ah… it’s okay,” said Heather, picking up her own menu but keeping her gaze fixed on David. His brown hair, medium length and curly, was done just the way she liked it, and his blue eyes shone in the candlelight like brilliant sapphires. He had a five o’clock shadow on his hard jawline. It was right where Heather liked his beard to end. “You look great, by the way,” she blurted, causing him to raise his eyebrows. 

“Oh, thank you,” David smiled, “You look… amazing, Heather. Stunning. Is that the same dress-”

“I wore on our first date? Yes.” She looked down and added, “I thought it might… help.”

He dropped the menu and frowned, his eyebrows furrowed in concern. “Oh, Heather… I thought we could wait until after dinner to… talk.” 

His voice was like smooth caramel to her ears. She blushed and replied meekly, “Okay.”

After a few moments of silence, David sighed and gestured to the waiter. “Could we please get some bread? And a couple glasses of… the 1995 Chateau Montelena Chardonnay?”

“Certainly, sir,” said the waiter, bowing and rushing off.

“My favorite wine,” said Heather, her brown eyes almost unable to meet him. David pursed his lips and lightly wrung his hands together - a little tick he had when he was nervous. Heather remembered when he did it through his medical board exams. 

“I know…” He paused and leaned forward, looking down and away from her as he said, “If you want to talk now…”

“Why do we have to talk?” asked Heather quickly, “I mean… can’t we just have dinner, go back to the apartment, wake up tomorrow, go to work, get some take-out - or actually, I can cook. I’ll make that eggplant parmesan you like, and we can watch a movie-”

“Heather…” he said gently, “We need to talk. I… I don’t think we should-”

“Stop,” she felt tears come to her eyes, “Please… stop.”

David grabbed both of her hands and held them tight, ignoring her clammy palm-sweat. He brought his head down to her level and forced their eyes to meet. “Heather, I didn’t mean to scare you when I sent that text today. I only… I mean, I thought you felt the same way, and - ah, thank you.” The wine and bread were set on their table, though he didn’t take his hands out of Heather’s. David continued, “But then you went and made this reservation, wore that dress… I think - did you find that same perfume as well?”

She nodded, feeling herself blush as she fought back tears. “David, please… I don’t want to talk about this.” His eyes were sharp and yet compassionate. She remembered falling in love with those eyes the first time they sat in this restaurant. 

“I… I didn’t plan to talk about it in such a… public place, but I don’t think it can be avoided now.” David took a deep breath and stated, “I think we should break up, Heather.”

The words echoed in her mind, pinballing painfully around her skull and forcing the first tears to fall down her carefully made up face. A strand of black hair fell before her eyes, and he gently brushed it to the side as he had on countless prior occasions. He wiped the tears from her face and took her hands again. She took a shuddering breath and said, “Oh, David… please.”

His own eyes were wet as he said, “I… I’m sorry, Heather. I really am. These last few years with you have been incredible. You helped me through my residency, my board exams… through so much. I… I only wish I could’ve been there for you like you were there for me.”

“You were, David. You always were,” cried Heather in a barely controlled voice.

He shook his head. “You’re so sweet, Heather. I… I wish it didn’t have to end this way.”

“Why does it?”

David thought about it for a few seconds, but in that moment, the waiter returned and said, “Have you two decided on anything yet?”

“Um… yes. Perhaps just an order of the antipasto for now.”

“Right away, sir.”

After the waiter was out of earshot, David immediately turned back to Heather and said, “Babe… Are you… okay? Oh what am I saying, of course you’re not okay. And if I was smart I would’ve waited until tomorrow to tell you… in private. But I can’t take it back now… Heather? Heather, please say-”

“You never answered my question,” she replied, sniffling. 

“What?”

“Why does it… have to end?” she forced the last three words as though they were a stone lodged in her throat. 

He grimaced. “I… I think you know, Heather. I think you’ve felt the things I’m feeling now, only… you’re in love with the memory of what we used to be.”

“No I’m not,” she said swiftly, “I’m in love with you… with us… as we are now.”

David shook his head and said quietly, “Babe… you brought me here wearing the same dress, the same perfume… I think this is even the same table we sat at almost four years ago, isn’t it?” She nodded, blushing again. He smiled, the crows feet around his eyes crinkling. “You’re trying to instill the same memory in me, Heather. You’re trying to get me to fall in love with the way things were.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Oh? Then how’d you know what my text was going to be about? I think you’ve had that same sense for a long time… that we should ‘talk’, and I think you’ve been consoling yourself by remembering how we were when we were… more passionately in love. And it’s not just you,” he added quickly, “I did it too. For a long time. For nearly a year, I think. I kept… trying to see a way out of it other than this, but I just… I don't think I can.”

“That still doesn’t answer my question,” said Heather, “Why does it have to end?”

“You’re telling me you don’t feel it?”

“That’s not an answer.”

He sighed and said, “It’s been coming on for a while, as I’ve said. That sense that we’ve… lost what made us fall in love. Those little moments we used to share… they just don’t hold the same… Ah, what am I saying - they’re just not the same anymore, I’m sorry. And it’s not that we’re in a rut. We went to Italy last summer, remember? I organized that trip just so I could see if there was some way to… get the magic back, y’know?”

“I…”

“And,” he continued, “there was a moment in that trip… when we were in Naples at that pizza place. You looked at me, and there was something in your eyes… something which resonated with the feeling of… well, of finality that was in my heart. That’s when I knew you felt the same way I did.”

She felt a crashing sensation in her stomach - as though her very soul had sunk down to the bottom of her intestines. Heather remembered that moment vividly, though she’d tried to force it back for a long time. Truthfully, David was right, and she knew it in her heart, but she couldn’t accept it. 

“David… I don’t want to lose you,” she whispered, fresh tears falling down her face and sparkling in the candlelight.

He took his cloth and wiped them away with a gentle hand, and she grabbed it and held it against her skin, feeling the warmth of his palm against her cheek and taking solace in it as she never had before. David allowed it for a few seconds, but then pulled away, looking her straight in the eyes as he said, “Heather…”

The waiter came back with their appetizer, and David ordered a spaghetti arrabbiata, and in a hollow voice, Heather said, “Same for me, please.”

As the waiter left, David said, “Heather, you’re a strong, beautiful woman… You must believe that. Who else could get through a four year engineering degree Northeastern in two and a half years? You once punched a biker in the face because he was harassing me at the bar!”

She giggled in spite of herself, “I had to spend the night in jail for that one.”

David smiled. “See, that’s Heather Wallace. The Heather Wallace that I fell in love with four years ago in this restaurant.”

“What happened, David?” she asked sincerely. “Was it me that changed? Was it you?”

He shrugged. “Who knows? But I think we both know that this has to end.”

She didn’t answer him, choosing instead to sip her mellow wine. A small part of her agreed with what David said, but when she looked at the way his brown hair shined in the light - the way his slightly crooked teeth glowed when he smiled… she couldn’t help but fall head over heels for him again. She said, “Could you… give it another few months?”

“Heather… this last year has been me ‘giving it another few months’, and I just… I can’t see any other way for us to move forward.” He looked away and said, “I’ve… Actually, I haven’t been completely truthful with you tonight. I feel like I should say that now.”

Her heart leapt while her mind numbed itself with shock. “You want to stay together?”

David bit his lip, wringing his hands again. “No, babe. I… wasn’t late because of work, or the rain. I was late because… I was moving out of the apartment.”

“What, but that’s your-”

He held his hands up and said, “I know that’s my apartment, but… I can’t live in it anymore. Not just because of the… memories, but because it makes more sense for me to buy a cheaper apartment near work.”

“But I-”

“You don’t have to live there either, Heather,” he explained, “I just… I wanted to avoid the pain of you watching me move out.”

“How’d you do it so quickly, I mean…”

He smiled. “I just took my computer stuff and my clothes. You can have the rest - the sheets, the furniture… all of that.”

Heather felt sick. “How could you do something like that?”

“I thought it would be better, babe,” said David, his eyes earnest, “I thought it would make it easier for both of us.”

“So where are you sleeping tonight?” she asked, her voice hard.

“I… At a friend’s. I won’t tell you which one, because-”

“You don’t want me to find you, I get it… Y’know, if you wanted, you could boot me out into the rain on the edge of your stupid loafers and you’d really never have to see me again!” Heather took a long drink of wine, watching David get flustered with almost savage pleasure. 

“Babe, please-”

“Please what? How do you know you’re not just lying to yourself? What if you just want to distance yourself like this because you’re scared that you misread your own emotions - that there’s a chance you’ll fall back in love with me and-”

“Stop it, Heather,” he said, his eyes fiery, “Please.”

“Why should I? It’s all good for you to just… ship on out, but for me-” her words were broken by a loud crash of thunder outside, which startled almost everyone in the restaurant. 

“Heather,” said David carefully, “I’ve considered this for a long time. I know you don’t really believe what you’re saying. In time, I think you’ll agree that this was the best thing that ever could’ve happened for the two of us.”

“No, David - you were the best thing that ever happened to me,” said Heather.

“Oh c’mon,” he said, “You’re selling yourself short.”

She didn’t reply, instead eyeing the waiter, who was approaching their table with two heavy dishes of spicy pasta. “One for the lady,” he said, placing Heather’s down, “and one for the gentleman. Now, is there anything else I can get for you?”

“I think that’ll be all for now,” said David.

For a while, they busied themselves with consuming their meal. Raucous laughter echoed from somewhere else in the restaurant, though it may have just been a memory leaking into Heather’s mind. Was she selling herself short? Perhaps. But that didn’t change the fact that David was the best thing that had ever happened to her, and now he was… leaving. 

“It’s normal to think there won’t be anyone else,” said David suddenly, wiping his mouth. 

“What?”

“Isn’t that what you’re thinking? Because it’s what I’m thinking. It’s perfectly natural to feel like there’s no one else you can ever love, or that no one else will ever love you.” He took a large sip of wine and muttered, “Yikes… That really doesn’t pair well.”

“If we’re both thinking it-”

“It’s not the same thing as admitting we’re still in love,” said David. “It’s just… gonna take some time for us to get used to being single, but that’s okay! We’re both young! We’ve got plenty of time to find someone else!”

But what if I don’t? thought Heather, What if you’re the only person who could tolerate me? She nodded politely and applied herself to the last of her pasta. As soon as she was done, followed within a couple bites by David, the waiter was back. “Anything for dessert?”

David looked at her, but she shook her head, staring through him and out into the rainy street, where she would soon have to walk. David said, “I think we’ll just have the check.”

“Certainly, sir.”

As the waiter went to ring them up, David turned back and said, “Heather… I love you. I won’t ever stop loving you. You’re one of the brightest people I know. But… I just can’t love you in the same way anymore, and I know you can’t love me the same either. We can be friends - best friends, even. But we just can’t be… more than that.”

“I… understand,” said Heather, her chest feeling empty. 

He grabbed her hand again and rubbed his thumb on hers. “I’ll always be there for you if you need me. You know that, right? I was an idiot to move out like I did, but that doesn’t mean you can’t reach out to me if you need… Well, if you need anything.”

I need you, she thought, but then the check reached their table and David paid it quickly. Heather’s ears were ringing, and they didn’t stop even as David helped her out of her seat and led her to her car, the two of them sharing an umbrella. They shared a kiss, though it didn’t linger on her numb lips. It was gone even before David said goodbye. Even before his last, most damning, “Be safe, Heather.” He ran back to his car, leaving his umbrella with her and allowing the rain to assault him. Perhaps she knew an inkling of the truth then, and perhaps she accepted it, but as she started her car, she couldn’t help but bawl on her steering wheel, watching David’s tail lights turn the corner out of the parking lot and disappear. There he went… and what part of her went with him? Was it the same as the part of him which stayed with her?

Eventually, she found herself back in front of the apartment building they’d lived in for so long. She parked out front and shut off her car, the building staring down at her ominously. She dreaded going inside. Opening the door to her car, she looked at the umbrella and realized she didn’t want it. Heather wanted the rain. She wanted to feel it. She wanted it to cleanse her of… well, of everything. So she stepped out into the deluge, feeling the cool spring drops patter her skin as she turned her face to the heavens. Heather smiled despite the pain in her heart. The rain felt nice… like an old friend’s embrace.