The Black cat that lead astray

My mind is usually a mess. Thought after thought after thought. I’ll wonder why the sky is blue and or why people are confused, why people are dicks. I’ll wonder how people can leave and then I will question myself. How could I waste my paychecks?How could I fail myself? I have many regrets from my life. But right now my mind is clean, only one thought in my mind as I sit here in agony. All I think about is how cold it is right now. It's cold and it's so cold that my toes are beginning to turn blue. But I don't deserve to find help and I don't deserve to find a shelter either. So I’m here on the concrete floor staring forward hyperfocusing on my thoughts. Trying to think of something, anything besides the pain I feel. 

As I look forward my foggy vision sees something move. I jump up, is someone here? But as my vision begins to clear I realize its just a cat. Its a black stray cat. As my vision clears more I begin to recognize its features. He has a heart shaped patch of white on his back, and he has those beautiful green colored eyes that some cats have. He’s beautiful. By looking at him I can tell he has a home, he’s well fed and well groomed which would be odd if he was a stray. He comes and lies on my chest as though he already knows me. As he sits on my chest I feel a certain warmth and comfort come through me. It seems odd but I feel like I already know the cat and I’m oddly comfortable around him as well. Perhaps I should worry that he will give me some kind of disease but I know I’m in worse shape than he is. 

I only feel this way for a minute though since after only 3 minutes or so he gets up and starts to walk away. The second he leaves I instinctively feel as though I need to follow him. I scream at him “wait” as I try to pull myself up. As I use the wall behind me as a grip, and realize just how cold I am, for I can feel a stabbing pain from my numb fingers. Before I know it I am on my feet. I feel the cold concrete beneath me and flinch. I look up and it would seem that the cat has stopped to wait for me. I feel a great wave of relief wash through me.

I get up and start limping toward him, but the closer I get to him the farther he goes. “Damn that cat” I say under my breath. Before too long I find myself halfway into a run. Chasing after him one step at a time. After about ten minutes I realized that I must have made it past a block chasing after him. After 20 minutes, 2 blocks. I feel tired, every bone in my body hurts and my skin is red and blistered. My arms are covered in needle marks and my fingers a blueish almost purple color from the ice, from the cold but for some reason I keep going. 

I’m not sure why I keep going but I keep going. I think its because I feel the urge that this cat is important. I could very well be chasing him simply because I haven't sought for anything in a while. All I know is that I feel a passion to chase him, to follow him. So don’t stop.

I follow that cat for what must be 6 blocks. Then he stops, sits and looks at me. His orange eyes screaming at me in some mysterious way. As I catch my breath I take in the surroundings around me. It's still late, no one’s up at this hour. There are street lights and a road behind me. When I look at the cat he seems to make a motion toward something I look over seeing a sign. A sign! As the longer I look at the sign the closer I am to realizing. Realizing why I am here. And I don’t know why or how all I know is that he brought me someplace where I can get better. 

As I realize that he is trying to get me to go into a hospital I feel a great amount of reluctance come through me. “No” I say “ you cannot expect me to do this.” As I say this I feel my body collapsing from beneath me. I feel my eyes water, as my face turns into a wet mess covered in tears. “Please “ I say “ please don't make me turn myself in”. I am fearful now, Horrified of what will become of me when I don’t have the drugs. Fearful knowing that if I go in I will be poked and prodded with needles, drugged with antidepressants and deprived of my humanity. 

But as I look at the cat and he looks back sympathetic yet sure and tall. I realize that perhaps I have no freedom now for I am controlled by drugs. I realize that I was in fact happier once. Happier in my youth and on the days when I wasn't obsessed with drugs. I realized that the cat was right. I am nothing if I cannot get better, I must get better. With that courage I calm my breaths, wipe my face and walk to the entrance. I walk in knowing there's no going back now. 

3 Months Later

I’ve looked back at my past, the drugs and homelessness. I'm not proud of it but I am proud of the way that I overcame it. I think that I am eternally grateful for the guidance I felt that night. A guidance which seemed to be almost unnatural. A path to my own success, a path to my own future to self betterment. The day was odd and the night was high. 

Looking back I can recall the cat with the heart shaped spot and the beautiful green eyes. He reminded me of my own cat Warden who looked identical to him. A part of me thinks it was really him guiding me through the night. Another part thinks it was the drugs. Either way the thought of him and the possibility of his presence saved me. And so maybe it doesn't matter if he was real or not.