Paradise Lost

Yellow tulips. Thin stems. The dew still on their petals. He remembers them. He remembers that she gave them to him. For no reason at all. A warm smile and eyes sparkling with happiness. How could he lose her? People like that are once for a lifetime. He remembers:

The quiet town, where events don't happen often, was flooded with sunlight that day. Two rings that were waiting for their time shimmered in the soft rays, and two hearts beat moderately hard, which did not prevent them from beating in time.

"Yes," it sounded consonant.

That day ended in a bright sunset, with a loving husband playing the black and white keys for his Alice.

He smiles looking at the tulips once more and the past sadness overtakes him and seems never to let go again. He picks up his cigar but doesn't light it, remembering the words she said:

"You know Louis, I'm waiting for you to give up this idea of picking up a cigarette every time we fight. I'm worried about your health. Don't forget that you're an example for our son."

His memories were replaced by different situations. At times he recalled his journey from the beginning, when he left his parents' home and went to law school, when good mates introduced him to powerful people, when he spent nights studying terms and trying to understand intricate human laws. He often lacked brightness in his life. Daily chores and a life of solitude bored his flamboyant soul.

"In this darkness, just to wait for the dawn," he repeated to himself. Where was this dawn he did not know, occasionally he looked for it in the cold alcohol and in the useless casino. And when at last, unexpectedly, he met her - in a green park, amidst the singing of birds and the laughter of walking children, his heart felt for a moment what it had never felt in its fullness.

"My son loves me," were the sudden words that came into his mind when he saw a boy running through his window. For a moment he wondered what he could have done to deserve his love. Soft toys, sweets, along with scattered empty bottles of wine and cigarette smoke. It's not what he wanted, but quite often things happen that we don't expect. What we can't or don't want to change directs our lives towards the unpredictable and incomprehensible. Blurred memories.  Alcohol. It and the sips of liquor that enter the stomach, eating away at the living cells of all food. Addiction. Isolation from the world and your family. Numbing the pain, forgetting everything bad that happened to him. He was bad, but with alcohol, he didn't remember it. A game of hide and seek. Hiding the alcohol so Alice wouldn't find it, so he wouldn't disappoint her aching heart.

Louis hurriedly took the tulips. He went down the stairs and got into the car. He had to find the address: he knew it, but had never yet set out to find it. And now was the time. Yellow tulips... She had given them to him for no reason - no reason at all.

Throughout their married life, Alice had loved to give gifts, and if she didn't, she tried to give the best of her soul.  She always got up early to do everything around the house, read a dozen pages of a book and sit down to embroider. Of course that wasn't always the case, she let herself rest when she wanted to.

"She doesn't deserve it," Louis told himself, remembering the part of him abusing  that Alice suffered from constantly. And again the alcohol... and again the arguments.

The realisation that he was dragging her into his hell was unrelenting.

Through the car window, familiar places, houses and breathing nature flashed by. Glittering greenery mingled with dull, old buildings. His son lives here somewhere. He is sixteen now and is a very good student. Teachers say, "He's very bright." Louis smiled softly: he often reminded himself of him. The intention of visiting him never left his mind....

When he was faced with a grown-up boy who looked painfully like him, confusion and shame prevented his father from expressing himself in words. They came out of his mouth very slowly.

"I know what you want to say to me Dad. You want to maybe justify yourself and ask me to forgive you, but I'm not offended or angry with you." his son said as he continued, "Maybe you had a reason or something. You know, sometimes people lose control not by choice. I read it in a psychology book.  Remember my mum gave it to me? "

Louis remembered the day for a moment. Warm, no precipitation. The house is quiet. His son is building a construction set and Alice is carrying him a book. She liked to give gifts. No reason. 

The son shook his father's hand. Louis slipped the money into his son's pocket as if it would make a difference. But the latter handed it back with the words "Thanks, but I have some." This situation pushed him to the moment when he also gave the money to Alice, but she handed him back them and the ring with the words " I can't take it anymore" . Did it hurt him? He didn't fully understand. He just knew that after that there would be emptiness and loneliness that he would get engaged to and live with for the rest of his life. He moved to another city and continued his work as a lawyer, which he had long ago abandoned. Did he meet women? Yes. He met them and walked them home, but his heart never beat like it did with her. The realisation of losing someone he wanted to live his whole life with did not give him inner peace even for a moment. He was alone in the flat and no one was with him. He's alone and his broken mirror. Sometimes it got easier when he returned to warm memories, but they were short and already completely meaningless. He began to read the Bible then. Unexpectedly, he read the book after a long time of apathy and lack of energy to read anything. Did he realise what he was reading? Probably. He bought a couple more books at the bookstore, and then some more.  He saw them as an escape from the bad side of his mind. From acquiring new thoughts and new thinking, it was like he was getting better. He liked it himself.

Had he changed now? He thinks he has. He's had help. And going back to the past would never come back, but past mistakes would keep him going for now.

He pulls up to the brick house. Knows that no one is there now, that two of the residents are spending the day in the park with their children.  All he had to do was walk up to the door, leave the yellow tulips and say out loud, "It's just like that.  No reason."