Nicotine

12.20.2022 - Tuesday

Well, California officially banned flavored nicotine. The gas station I would get my disposable vapes from was clearing its shelves today, so I guess now’s a perfect time to try quitting again. I would rather not switch over to regular ol’ cigarettes at this point. It’s not as easy hiding the habit that way haha. Plus, I never cared for them in the first place—too harsh and gross tasting. At least vapes tasted good and didn’t make me smell bad.

I remember one time I tried quitting by tossing my vape into some bushes at the overlook by the ocean. I thought I was so introspective watching the sunset and working up the resolve to let go. It worked for about 24 hours. Then, I returned to the same spot after work the next day and found it resting in the leaves, waiting for me. Like a dog returning to its vomit.

This time will be different though cuz now it’s illegal. Sure, there are other ways to get it, like online or finding a shop that doesn’t care about the rules, but I want to use this added barrier to an addiction I should’ve left behind a long time ago.

They say it takes a month to change your habits, so I am going to shoot for that at least and hope it leads to permanence. I never made it longer than a week, but I have read the “quit lit” and understand what it takes. Alcohol was a bear to tackle too, but now it’s far in my wake and something I hardly think about anymore. Nicotine should be no different, right?

12.21.2022 - Wednesday

Gah! I’m not sure what’s driving me crazier, the cravings, or my efforts to ignore them. I remember reading somewhere to ride the wave. Thoughts and cravings will come, but it’s counterproductive to strive to ignore them. Like, trying not to think about them is forcing me to think about them. Insanity! Acknowledge them, let them wash over me, do some breathing, and move on. It does pass given some time. Though the waves are many at first, I refuse to drown again.

12.22.2022 - Thursday

At this point, most traces of nicotine should be out of my system. Since the body is efficient in processing it, withdrawal is mostly a mind game. With alcohol, there were shakes, sweats, pains, and ill feelings. All I’ve noticed now is a more voracious appetite for sweets and black coffee. There’s been a strange loss of feeling in my fingers and toes though, and they’ve been especially cold. This must be due to my heart not pumping as fast without the stimulant it had grown used to having. I’m sure my body will adjust soon enough. At least my chest pains have subsided!

12.23.2022 - Friday

I stopped by the lake today on my way home from work to calm myself down. The holidays are near and I am feeling the stressors of life weigh down on me more without the crutch. I don’t wanna take them home with me to my wife and kids though, so here I sit in a tree for a little while. The solid oak grounds me and the wind through the leaves is a salve to my raging soul.

It’s gray in the sky today, so the lake below looks dull, but that’s okay—it’s still a sight to behold. Little details have begun standing out to me more, like the small layer of fog down on the lake. With the calm wind blowing it across the surface of the water, it’s like a large host of tiny angels dancing. This brings me joy.

I have missed these kinds of moments. Now I feel renewed and better prepared to go home.

12.27.2022 - Tuesday

ONE WEEK! I have tied my previous record and it feels great! It helped these last few days were so busy with family in town and whatnot, but it’s a victory nonetheless.

Though I have proper feelings back in my hands and feet, I forgot how many triggers there could be. After every meal, a small nagging creeps in for a “treat”. While driving, it’s comical how often I mindlessly reached for a nonexistent vape in the empty cup holder. Now that I am back at work, every time I’m on break the same nagging haunts me. I have a hard time knowing what to do with myself in these moments, but writing about it helps.

According to the research, I’m supposed to start sleeping better at night soon. Looking forward to that!

Patience has been easier to come by these last couple of days. In fact, in the middle of the night when my son awoke, I was the calmest I've ever been rocking him back to sleep. Not being so quick to frustration is a bonus for my family and helps me feel better about myself. Another thing to be grateful for now.

Well, my 15 minutes are up. Better get back to it!

12.28.2022 - Wednesday

Ah yes, the dreaded plummet after the thrill of victory. I forgot how deep this pervading sadness can be when I’m not manufacturing chemicals in my head. At least I know the time in the pit doesn’t tend to last as long once the cycle’s broken. It’s all a part of the recovery process. I have to remember this: one day at a time.

1.3.2023 - Tuesday

TWO WEEKS! Double the high score! :D

I have to admit, not putting down “quit nicotine” on this year’s resolutions was nice. Although, I couldn’t help but take notice of the cans of chew on the back wall while fueling my car the other day. That’s also not a substitute I would be fond of cuz when I’ve tried it in the past, it makes my stomach churn. Besides, you have to spit with it and that’s not appealing at all. Still, I would only be risking mouth cancer instead of lung, throat, and mouth combined…

Nah, gotta shake the justifications or I’ll be starting the cycle all over again. It’s already taken me years to stay away for this long. I must press on!

1.6.2023 - Friday

I’ve just now noticed I’m not drinking as much water as I used to. The obsessive compulsion to wet my ever-present cottonmouth is no longer there, so now I have to consciously think about my daily intake. One more thing to learn discipline with I guess.

I’ll also need to start cutting back on the coffee as it sure doesn’t help my hydration issues. Plus, it’s starting to feel like I traded one stimulant for another, except now I'm more tired and irritable in the evenings. *sigh

1.10.2023 - Tuesday

Three weeks in now. Not much to add today, but I do feel as though my body is finally recalibrating closer to normal. Homeostasis is the correct term, I think.

There have been fewer and fewer trigger moments, and the cravings have almost died down, so that’s great! Oh, and I’m more mindful of my wife’s desires and needs. We've had some great quality time together and the minor irritants no longer get under my skin as much. I had forgotten how much I love this woman!

1.14.2023 - Saturday

The mind fog is back. It’s different than an overstimulated mind. That feels like I’ve hit a wall and there isn’t much I can do to press through it since I’m already amped up. This new fog feels heavier like my head is stuck in the mud. My poor brain must have forgotten how to regulate itself, or it needs more time to heal. IDK, but I hope it clears up soon.

1.17.2023 - Tuesday

Four weeks is technically a month, right? Never thought I would get here, but I am hoping it sticks this time. I suppose I'll check back in for the full month.

I did notice a spitless option of nicotine pouches is still around. They took the flavoring out and labeled it a variety of things. All different shades of no flavor lol. Perhaps, I can fall back to those when this challenge is over. I’m so close now and will want to celebrate after all.

Hmm. Decisions, decisions.

1.20.2023 - Friday

One whole month baby! That was a close one earlier this week, but I’m feeling a bit better about it now. :)

I ended up weighing the pros and cons, and it was laughable how disproportionate the lists were. The pros were too many to count, and the cons were weak at best. That seems to be a similar trend among the substances I’ve chosen to abandon.

It’s wild the emotional roller coaster this can be. Frequent highs and lows at first, then a bit of a tapering out. Then, BAM! a craving out of nowhere.

Stuff has bubbled up to the surface that I have not thought about in a long while too. Buried things I was once running from by different means that I now have to work through with a sober mind. It’s tough man, but I’m glad I made it this far.

The plan is to see how long I can take this now. Indefinitely is what I’m aiming for and it feels more possible today than when I first began.