I Believed...

We have plenty of time. We have the rest of our lives. That’s what you told me anyway and like the love struck fool I was I believed it each and every time. I knew that I had met you at a difficult time. The beautiful blue skies and radiant sunshine brought about a lot of work for you. I knew it was the busiest time of year for you when I chose to commit to loving you. I told myself that if I could just make it through the warm months I would get you all to myself as soon as the chilling winds rolled in and that first blanket of snow caressed the earth. My visions of us nestled inside together keeping each other warm, learning the ins and outs of one another, and growing as one kept me going. I knew that each day was bringing me closer to those moments. So I put up with it. I put up with the hours of not hearing from you and wondering if you were okay. I put up with the long durations of time, sometimes weeks, of not seeing you. I put up with the excuses of why you didn’t have time. Deep down in my heart I knew that if you truly loved me and wanted to be with me you would’ve made the time, but I still put up with it. I even put up with you always having time for your friends and your daily visit to the bar. I believed you when you said that you just needed your personal time to wind down after your busy work day.

Before I met you I had grown comfortable with being alone. I had built walls to protect my heart and I was content. Then you came along. You knocked down my walls that I had worked so hard to build. Those walls crumbled in a matter of days. I was so scared and so vulnerable but I believed you when you told me that you needed me. I wish I could say that things got better, but I can’t. As time progressed I learned that your visits to the bar were for more than just needing to wind down after a busy day. We’re all just a bunch of addicts struggling with our drug of choice. Some people turn to drugs, some find comfort in food, but you tried to drown your sorrows with alcohol. I was patient with you because I knew that you were struggling with some internal battles. I wished that I could be your source of comfort, but I was just there to attempt to pick up the pieces after a night spiraled out of control. I was there to tell you that it was okay, that you weren’t a piece of shit, and you weren’t a failure. I would tell you that we all make mistakes. Your mistakes just happened to be more consistent and hurtful than others, but I chose to look past them. I believed you when you apologized for your poor actions. I believed you when you said you were going to change. I believed you when you said you were going to stay out of the bar from now on.

Before you met me you were still trying to process and recover from your biggest heartbreak. Then I came along. I’m not sure what went through your mind to make you think that you were ready to love and be loved again, but you promised me you were prepared to open your heart. I believed that if I showed you what it was like to truly be valued and appreciated your beautiful, broken heart would become whole again. I believed that if I took responsibility for your healing that we would build a bond so strong that we would always be together. What a naïve, love struck fool I was. You had to be responsible for your own healing and I knew that. You have to process your own past in order to move into the future, but you weren’t processing it and you weren’t moving forward so I wanted to do everything for you. I literally poured my soul, my heart, my finances, and anything else I had to offer into your healing. Isn’t it ironic how we lose ourselves trying to help someone find their self?

I wish I could say that I stopped killing myself to help you live. I wish I could say that I stopped putting up with your insensitive and selfish actions, but I can’t. What’s sad is I actually thrived off of those moments. I knew that a night of you choosing to act in that manner would get me a night of you trying to make up for your inconsiderate ways. I cherished every moment of those nights. I relished in you wrapping me up into your arms and holding me tight, looking into my eyes and telling me that you were at home, and promising me that you weren’t going to hurt me anymore. Those nights were everything to me. I believed that you truly loved me. I believed that you would change.

Our love, or whatever you want to call it, was the most exciting and toxic adventure I have ever been on. Relationships are supposed to be your safe haven, not another daily battle you have to fight, but I fought. It ripped me apart and messed up my mind. I found myself wide awake at three in the morning wishing that I didn’t have any feelings. The ups and downs I subjected myself to were in no way healthy for me, you, or our relationship. You showed me over and over again exactly who you were, but I chose to continue to look away. I chose to see what I wanted to see instead of what was really there. I’ve always had a habit of loving too hard and holding on too tightly. Moderation has never been my specialty. I just hope that you know there wasn’t one day that I didn’t choose you. There was never a moment where you were my second choice. I truly believed we were going to make it and perhaps that was my greatest downfall of all. We were never going to make it.