Can you just hold me?

TW: sexual assault, self harm

I look out of the window at the dark night sky. I wasn’t planning on coming here. It’s Friday night. I’m usually out and about, but something just didn’t feel right today. I walked out of school looking for a place to be alone, searching for some peace and quiet. How I ended up here, I actually don’t really remember anymore. I haven’t been here in a while, and yet it still feels so familiar and safe.

“Everything alright?” I suddenly hear Kenneth ask, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I answer as I turn myself around. “Thank you for letting me stay here tonight. I really appreciate it. I just don’t feel like going home tonight.”

“Because it’s Friday?” Kenneth asks me. I nod my head.

“My mum has three men over right now. And I don’t want to know, see or hear what they are doing.”

“I understand. You’re welcome to stay over whenever you want. I really don’t mind.”

“Are you sure? We’re not exactly together anymore,” I say, looking down at the ground.

“I know but you’re still my friend, right? And friends are there for each other. So, I cancelled my plans with Eva and I’m staying here with you tonight,” he tells me. My head shoots up, guilt immediately rising up inside of me.

“You cancelled your plans with your girlfriend for me? Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you two were going out tonight. But it’s not too late for that yet. Just call her back and I’ll be out of here,” I say as I barge towards his bedroom door, but before I can exit, I feel my left wrist being grabbed. I instantly pull it out of his grip, wincing in pain.

“You okay?” Kenneth asks. I look down at my wrist and see a dark red liquid showing through the sleeve of my sweatshirt.

“I’m fine. Uhm… you just call Eva and I’ll uhm… I’ll be out of here. Have fun together,” I stutter and once again get stopped when I want to exit.

“You don’t need to go. In fact, I don’t want you to leave. It’s not good for you to be alone right now. I don’t want you to be thinking and worrying about your mum.”

“But Eva…”

“I cancelled our plans as soon as you walked through the door. So, she probably snuggled up with her dog, watched a movie and went to bed,” he tells me as his eyes meet mine. I would recognize them anywhere. Those sky-blue eyes make me melt every time I look into them.

After a few seconds, he breaks our eye contact and walks over to his closet. He grabs something from it before returning to me.

“Here,” he says as he hands me a grey t-shirt. I smile as I take it out of his hands. I know this shirt way too well.

“You still know where the bathroom is, right?” he jokes and I nod my head, a little chuckle escaping my mouth. “You just take a shower whilst I go clean up downstairs.”

“Okay,” is all I answer as I pass him and make my way over to the bathroom.

When I enter, I immediately take notice of how bad I look. My skin looks dry and pale, I have bags under my eyes and my hair looks like a bird’s nest. I sigh to myself and turn away from the mirror. I quickly undress and get into the shower. I take in a deep breath before I turn on the tap. I close my eyes, letting the hot water drip down my skin. I feel my eyes fill with tears as I let my emotions run down the drain. Wondering what would happen if the water would just swallow me up. Would the pain subside? Would things not seem so horrific anymore? Would my life get a bit easier?

After what feels like an eternity, I finally find the strength to turn off the water. I slowly get out of the shower and wrap a towel around my body. I take a second to breathe before I start to get dressed. I throw Kenneth’s t-shirt on and brush a quick hand through my blond wavy hair. I make sure to put my sweatshirt back on as I exit the bathroom and stroll over to Kenneth’s bedroom. I haven’t even entered properly when a deep and hoarse voice scares me.

“Oh no… No way! We’re not going to do this.”

“What?” I ask, truly confused, as I turn around to face him.

“We are not going to act like nothing’s going on.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your sweater. I’m not stupid, Nixie. I can see the blood,” he says as he takes a hold of my left arm. But I instantly snatch it away from him.

“That’s nothing.”

“I don’t believe you, Nixie. What’s underneath those sleeves?” he asks firmly.

“Nothing…”

“Stop lying to me!” Kenneth almost screams at me. I back up a little bit, anger and frustration appearing in his eyes. I’ve never seen him like this. He has never screamed at me before.

“I’m waiting...” he says with an attitude, crossing his arms in front of his chest. I can’t believe this. Who does he think he is?

“Keep going then because I really have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Something is going on. I know it and you know it too.”

“No, I don’t. And even if there was something going on, I don’t have to tell you. I don’t have to explain myself to you because it’s none of your business.”

“You are unbelievable!” he screams out. “I let you in, cancel my plans and even let you sleep over. I don’t care about the fact that we’re not together anymore, but I still care about you. And what do I get in return? Lies and more lies.” My blood starts to boil and I feel anger rising up inside of me. I take a step forward, closing the distance between the two of us.

“What do you want me to say?!” I yell. “You want me to say that my home is a sex club and that it was just a matter of time before I got raped? You want me to admit that I made a mistake by breaking up with you? That my head was all messed up and that I should have never ended it?” Tears fill my eyes as my anger turns into pain.

“You want to see it? Do you really want to see what I do to myself?” I take off my sweatshirt and throw it onto the floor, revealing my bare arms covered in cuts and scars. I look up, searching for Kenneth’s eyes as a tear escapes my own. He stays as quiet as a mouse. I can see that he doesn’t quite know what to say. I look down at my arms, a silent sob escaping my mouth, more and more tears rolling down my cheeks.

All of a sudden, I feel two hands being placed on my shoulders. They slowly slide down my arms until they are holding both of my hands.

“Why do you do this to yourself?” he asks quietly. I look up and meet his sky-blue eyes.

“Because sometimes everything gets too much and it all bottles up inside of me. And then I just snap. It’s kind of like… I don’t know… A release? It makes me forget the pain in my heart, even if it’s just for a single second,” I explain.

“How long have you been doing this?” he asks, gently rubbing his thumb over a few scars on my wrist.

“Five years.”

“No, Nixie. That’s not true.”

“I’m really sorry, but it is true.”

“So, you were cutting yourself when we were still together?” he asks, a shocked expression on his face. I just nod my head.

“I always did it because of what happened at home, but it got worse when we split up,” I admit, looking down at my hands in his. I try my best to fight back the tears, but I can’t.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Nixie,” he says sweetly as he opens up his arms and embraces me into a hug. A hug that feels familiar. A hug that feels safe. A hug I would walk through fire for.

After a few seconds, I back away. Thinking about what I still feel for him. Thinking about the fact that he already moved on, already has a new girlfriend.

“Can I just get some rest?” I ask. “I’m really tired and my head is a mess.”

“Yeah, of course,” is all he responds before I turn away from him and get into his bed.

“I’ll go sleep downstairs on the couch.”

“No!” I instantly blurt out. “You don’t have to do that. It’s okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” I say before I feel him getting into the bed as well. I turn myself around, my back facing him.

“Nixie…” I hear him whisper. “Is it true what you said?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, about the rape thing.” I let out a sigh. I’m so stupid. Why did I even say that?

“My mum, she had at least five men over that evening. I was just doing my homework in my room when someone came in. He looked really creepy. He came closer and he… he started touching me. I tried to tell him to stop but he wouldn’t listen. He threw me onto my bed and undressed me. I screamed out for help, not that I expected anyone to come to my rescue. I think you can fill in the rest of the story yourself,” I tell him, tearing up as I speak.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. Did that happen recently?”

“About five or six weeks ago.”

“That’s right before…”

“Before I broke up with you, I know. I just couldn’t do that to you. I felt ashamed and disgusted, and I couldn’t pass that burden onto you.”

“But why didn’t you talk to me?”

“I don’t know. I couldn’t. I didn’t want you to see me the way I saw myself. Broken and disgusting. He made me hate myself even more than I already did,” I cry out and completely break down.

“Oh, Nixie. I am so extremely sorry. I should have known that something was wrong,” he says but I can’t respond. The only thing I can do right now is cry. It does feel good to let it all out for once though.

“Is there something, anything, I can do?” I hear him ask quietly.

“Can you just hold me?” I whisper.

“Of course,” he says as he scoots closer to me. I turn around, lay my head down on his chest as I feel his strong arms wrap around my fragile body, holding me tight. I lean into his embrace. There is no place I feel safer than in his arms.

“It really was a mistake, breaking up with you. But I know you’re better off now. Eva is going to make you happy, truly happy, and that’s something I will never be able to do,” I say as I feel his grip on me becoming even tighter, which I don’t mind at all.

“I still love you too,” I hear him say.

“What?” I ask shocked.

“I never stopped loving you.”

“But what about Eva?”

“What about her? She’s nobody to me. She was just a one-time thing because I was mad and heartbroken. But that was wrong and I know that. I haven’t seen her since,” he explains, but it doesn’t make any sense.

“Then why did you tell me that she was your girlfriend?” I ask as I sit up straight. Kenneth follows my lead and looks deep into my eyes. A hand cherishes my cheek, wiping away a few tears in the process.

“I was angry. I was hurt. I didn’t understand what suddenly went wrong between us. I didn’t understand what I did to push you away. I didn’t understand, at all, why you broke up with me.” He stops to take a breath and then continues.

“I wish I had known.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so extremely sorry,” I blurt out and not even a second later, I feel his lips collide with mine.

I quickly push him away, shocked and confused.

“We can’t do this, Kenneth,” I say before he takes my hands in his.

“We can, Nixie. I love you. I have always loved you. From the moment I met you until this day, you’re the only person I want to be with. And no matter what happens, I will always be by your side,” he tells me as one of his hands makes its way back up to my cheek.

“I love you too,” is all I have to say to feel his lips back on mine. His hands move towards my wrists, holding them carefully. I smile against his lips. He’s letting me know it’s okay, and that he doesn’t care about my scars. He’s reassuring me that whatever happens, we will always be okay as long as we’re together.