Fine to Failure to Finally the Light

I always had a pretty good life I thought. Even though the things didn’t start to well, I tried to finish it the right way. I love my life the way it is.  

When I was young, I would go outside and play with my brother and sister. We actually got along then. We were young we didn’t hold grudges. Well, one day we were playing and I told my brother to toss me the ball. He said I needed to back up. I backed up and right into a cactus bush my grandma had grown in the yard.  I was not too happy. To this day my back is sensitive because of that. 

 After that we got over it and still played outside. My mom had a Doberman pincher named Jackson and boy did it like hot dogs. My sister was eating one and that day and he came right up to her and bit it right out of her hand. To this day she’s afraid of those dogs.  

Things weren’t too bad there for a while until my father had called me into the Livingroom. I thought I had done something wrong. He made my brother and sister go outside so I thought I left my toys on the floor. My mom went to the store so our father was watching us. I told him I was supposed to keep an eye on them if they were outside and he said they would be fine foe a little while. He then proceeded to rape me. I couldn’t believe it! I told him to stop! It hurt me! I puked all over the couch and he shoved my face in it and put a pillow over my face until he finished. When he first started my sister tried to come in and I told her to leave and I’ll come help her with whatever it is in a minute. I didn’t want our father doing to her what he did to me. Once he was done, he told me to go clean up and not to tell anyone or he would hurt me. I went in the bathroom and cried while cleaning up. Once my mom came back from the store, we left a while later and it took a while, but I couldn’t stand it anymore and I told my mom what happened. At first, she didn’t believe me, but then she did and we went to the cops and they had him arrested. To this day I have no idea where he is and if he is alive or dead.  

After that I had his grandma try and brush my hair one time it had knots in it and she was not happy. I wouldn’t hold still because of it and she was mad. She was so mad that she tied me down to the high chair so I would hold still and not wiggle around so she could put my hair in pigtails form my mom. This woman pulled and pulled my hair saying it was a rat's nest and I had a mess. She finally had my hair up and I got to get out of that high chair. I didn’t ever want to see it again! 

As I got older things calmed down a little going to school. We ended up in a whole new town and I got to go to a cool school where I met a boy I liked, but he didn’t know. He was so cute to me I didn’t care what anyone thought. I was friends with him in elementary school and even got a picture in the newspaper with him.  

We had a spelling test one time in first grade and I really had to go to the bathroom because my stomach was not feeling well. The teacher said I had to wait until the test was over, I guess, because she thought I just had to pee, but no I had diarrhea. I almost ran to the bathroom instead of walking hoping I made it to the toilet instead of my pants. Well, it didn’t happen. It made it in my pants instead. I felt so embarrassed. I went straight to the nurse, Luckily, I was friends with her through my grandma and told her what happened. She called my grandma and she came and got me right away so I could get changed. That same year at school we were playing jump rope on the black rope and I tripped and fell. Well, when I fell, I busted one of my teeth out and I was bleeding all over. The teacher saw me and said she needed to get me to the nurse, but all I wanted to do was find my tooth. Till this day I'll tell you I didn’t find my tooth. I think I was so damaged from first grade I didn’t do too much in second or third, but then came more. 

Fourth grade, the darkness came when I was in a different school there was another guy I liked. The class was walking down the hallway and I had a pencil in my hand well I was picking on the guy I liked because he was picking on me. We were friends, but I always kind of wanted more. He liked the more popular girls so I knew it wouldn’t ever happen so I didn’t ever bother asking. Anyway, we had our pencils in our hands and was faking a sword fight and he poked me and I poked him only a little bit too hard and he didn’t like it and went and told the teacher and I ended up having to write sentences. 

Fifth grade, I couldn’t believe it that I made it to the finals in the spelling bee. I got fourth so that meant if someone didn’t show up, I would replace them because I was the runner up basically. Well, of course, the third-place person didn’t show up and I freaked out because I didn’t even practice because I didn’t figure I would be going in front of everybody. The chances were very minimal to none. Now it was very possible! Well, they had the contestants in the chairs on the gymnasium floor and all the students, teachers, and audience in the gymnasium bleachers. I sat there waiting my turn and I’m so glad I wasn’t first because that would have been a total disaster! What happened next was bad enough! It was my turn and the worn was easy! It was canteen, but I spelled it canten! I couldn’t believe it! Well, I was the first one out and had to walk in front of everyone over to the bleachers and sit down since I can’t spell.  

Sixth grade, wasn’t any better my brother, sister, and I had our bus stop at the local library every morning. This year there were two other kids that rode with us. They were in the sixth grade. Everyone in a while they would pick on me, but not too bad I could handle it. Like I had a pink raincoat and it had these couple of purple paint drops on it and they would call me Barney when they got bored. I guess that got boring to them. Next, they heard me arguing with my brother and knew he annoyed me. Well, they knew how to get to me. They said if I were to bite my brother, they would give me 5 dollars. I bit him in the back and my brother started crying like crazy saying he was telling the bus driver. I freaked out and begged him not to tell anyone please. He said he was going to tell his teacher so she would tell our mom. Well, it just so happened he must have because here came the principal wanting to talk to me and I told him what happened and I pointed out the two boys, but to this day I didn’t ever get the 5 dollars. 

Seventh, Eighth, Ninth grade was all about the same as all the rest. Embarrassment after embarrassment from my stomach hurting in Health class and when I went to cough a fart let loose and of all things it wasn’t quiet and it stunk. Then you have Choir class when we went to a Phantom of the Opera play and they wanted you to dress up and so I did. I wore my black dress that I thought was perfect for it, but I felt overdressed compared to everyone else. When they play was done though one of the threads got stuck to the theater seats and I fell back down. My friend helped me out and we were off again, but it wasn’t too easy to get up the first time. Oh, and then don’t forget the year where I went to get up from the bleachers when the bell rung to go to our first class and I fell down the bleachers and then I fell down the stairs again the same day. Needless, to say I didn’t wear those heels ever again. That’s what tying to look nice gets you. 

Tenth grade I went to go to gym class and started changing my clothes. The people in class just didn’t look familiar at all. I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to do maybe we had these many new people in class. Finally, I asked what class it was. I was like oh no! I should be in Art not Gym! I hurried up got dressed in my regular clothes, rushed up to Art class, and sat down. The teacher was like you now your late right. I told him I knew I was and he continued class. I wasn’t about to explain my embarrassment.  

Eleventh grade I was in History class and it was so boring you could fall asleep and that’s exactly what I did one day. Well, I shouldn’t have because I become the embarrassment after that they kicked my chair to wake me up and picked me to read next. Well, the word was bobbies and I said boobies instead and the teacher told me what the word was and said to get my mind in the right place and read the rest of the paragraph.  

Senior Year you would think woo- hoo you’re here no more embarrassment you’re the top dog, well, you would be wrong in my case! In Social Studies I was bored listening to the teacher and had this stretchy bead bracelet on and was twisting it then releasing it to let it unwind and then twisting it again. Well, one time I twisted it a little too far and all you heard were these beads bouncing all over the floor. I was like, well, there goes that bracelet. Then, my most embarrassing moment was when I was picking on my friend like we always do back and forth. We bump into each other down the hallway saying oh excuse me. Well, I went to do that to my friend and he moved and I fell right in front of this class that had their door open and all I heard was this abundance of laughter. All I could do was laugh because I was thinking I’m going to hurt you, but right now I can’t. The teacher came running out to ask if I’m alright or need help up, but I told him I was okay and didn’t need help and I got up and went on my way. I got to my class and let my friend know he had it coming when he least expected it. To this day I don’t talk to that guy and don’t know what he’s doing or where he’s at so even though your friends in school doesn’t mean you will have them as adults.  

Ah graduated you’re an adult now! You can do what you want right! Wrong! Now you have to get a job and pay those bills. Well, had many jobs and many embarrassments through those jobs, but I’m not going into all those or we could be here all day! Anyway, I was fine as a kid. I got to play with my friends and fun through all that embarrassment. I know all that seems like a lot, but all that is just words. I’m still here. I’m living my life. I have failure which is my darkness and I've mentioned some of that here and in some of my other stories if you’ve read them with my marriage and divorce. Now, finally I have Light of my life which is my son. He yes, gets on my last nerve sometimes, but doesn’t everything. It could be a job, dog, water not running right, slow poke on the road, someone trying to pass a semi and almost causing a wreck, a wreck when you're running late, a flat tire, rain, sun in your eyes, or anything at all. I love my son to death and would do anything for him and he knows that and I think that’s why he tries to get on my last nerve, but isn’t that what love is all about pushing someone to their limits to see how far they will go for you? I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but I know I love him and he loves me and that’s what we have for each other Finally! Finally! Through all this darkness I’ve went through became some light! 

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