A New Life

“I can’t do this anymore. I'm leaving you.”

“What do you mean John? Where has this come from? This is so out of the blue. Why haven't you said anything before this? We've been married for 25 years, happily I thought. I love you. I've always loved you. I have never stopped working to make our marriage work. What do you mean? Why? What am I doing wrong? Don't you love me anymore? Is there someone else?”

“What do you mean Frances. This is not out of the blue. Haven't you seen that things haven't been good for a long time. There’s nobody else. It’s just that we don't work as a couple anymore.”

“I’ll leave tomorrow. But I won’t leave you stranded. Our children are all adults now but I’ll still help you. But I can’t stay any longer.”

“Mary, what am I going to do? John is leaving me. I don't understand why. He says that there’s nobody else, just that it’s over. I am devastated and I know it’s all my fault. How am I going to cope without him? I am such a mess, I couldn't find my keys this morning and I'm all over the place. I haven't been sleeping very well and I can’t stop crying. He says that he’ll help me. But how am I going to manage financially?”

“Sit down, Frances, here’s a tissue, I’ll make you a cup of tea. You must be the only one who hasn't seen this coming. There have been problems for a long time. You’ve had your head in the sand. His behaviour has been awful for years. And he lies to you all the time. Of course there’s somebody else and deep down you know that and probably know who it is. I know it’s hard, I know you're scared, but you need to get your act together and work out where you go from here. You need to think of a life without him in it. You can talk to me and I will help you as best as I can.”

“What can we do to help Frances. She’s a mess. I know, John has been manipulative and controlling all their married life, she doesn't know how to think for herself. And it sounds like he’s being controlling even now and she doesn't even realise it. He’s the one who’s leaving and he’s controlling the breakup. And she’s letting him. Their marriage has always been rocky, even if she won’t admit it. He's never been physically abusive, but emotionally? And definitely controlling. We have watched him trying to isolate her from her friends and family for years.”

“I know. All we can do is be there for her.”

“Please don't go. If there’s a problem I will change. I’ll do whatever you want to make this work.”

“There’s nothing you can do. I'm going. And we can do this amicably. There’s no need for us to get solicitors involved, that will just cost the earth. Just be sensible and trust me. If you don't do anything silly, we can do this nicely and without legal help.”

“Frances, you need to get legal advice. And you need to get it now.”

“But he will be so angry if I do. And if he gets angry, he may stop supporting me. What will I do then?”

“Frances, you need to think clearly. He doesn't have to support you and he could stop any time he likes. If you get legal advice, you can clarify that.”

“I’ll have to think about it. I don't want to upset him.”

“Did you hear what he said about getting legal advice?”

“I know, Mary. I don't like the sound of that at all, it sounds very threatening to me. And of course legal help is exactly what she needs.”

“I just found out that you're in a relationship with Penny and you have been for ages. Why did you lie to me? Why did you lie to the kids? They are very angry with you. And your efforts to win them over are not working.”

“It’s probably your fault. Have you been saying horrible things to them about me?”

“I haven't needed to, you’ve done that all on your own.”

“Mary, I just found out that he's in a relationship with Penny. He's moving in with her.”

“Of course he is Frances, we all knew that from the very beginning. And we know that he lies all the time. You can’t trust him, you can’t believe anything he says. You need to get legal advice.”

“This has made me angry. I haven't been angry up to now. Mary, do you think that's healthy. To be so angry.”

“It’s good to see that Frances has finally got angry. And I'm glad that we are here for her.  She says that we are the only people she can talk to. She doesn't want to talk to any of their mutual friends, she doesn't want to bad mouth him, she doesn't want them to think badly of him.”

“Oh my goodness, what is she thinking? They should think badly of him.”

“You haven't paid the rent! You said you had.”

“Don't worry, we’re not very far behind, it will be all right. Calm down.”

“How can I calm down when I don't know what’s happening?”

“Mary, I'm being evicted. He told me that he's been paying the rent, but he hasn't. The kids and I have been giving him money towards it, but he still hasn't paid it. And I didn't know! Now I have to find somewhere else to live. What will I do? He has to help me.”

“Actually Frances, he doesn't have to help you. It’s been six months now and he may decide to go on helping you, but that's just his way of continuing to control you. This is awful, but it is your opportunity to take control. I know it’s hard but you have to do it. Are there any other debts?”

“I don't know. He's always handled all the finances. I don't even know what companies we have accounts with. I've asked him to tell me and he says that he will, but he hasn't as yet.”

“I am so worried, Frances, has no idea what sort of debt they are in.”

“She really needs to find out. He's never going to tell her. She needs to get legal advice. The solicitor will make him provide this information and work out a way to handle it.”

“John, if I have to move, you will need to come and remove all your stuff.”

“Sure, I’ll get around to it when I can.”

“You need to do it now.”

“Don't push me Frances. I'm busy right now.”

“And you need to tell me what debts we have.”

“Yes, I will.”

“You keep saying that, but it never happens.”

“Don't push me Frances.”

“Mary, I've had to go to Centrelink and even asked for help from a charity. I never thought I’d ever have to do that. And I've opened a new bank account that he doesn't have access to. But he wasn't happy when I did that.”

“Tough. Frances, you don't have to make him happy. You have to sort out your life the best you can. I know it’s easy for me to give you advice. I understand that the reality is much harder, you just need to take baby steps. But, I’ll say it again. You need legal advice.”

“It’s too hard right now, there’s too much happening. I’ll think about it soon.”

“It’s good to see that Frances has started to take control of her life. It’s been a slow process, but she’s finally working out a plan for her life without him.”

“I know Mary, we've done our best to support her. It’s been a difficult process, there have been times when I just have had to bite my tongue and I haven't known what to say to her. I know I've said some things to her over and over again, but they were things she didn't want to hear. Or didn't know what to do with it. As her friends, we can only do so much. In the end, it’s all up to her.”

“Yes and we will continue to be there for her.”

“Even if it means saying the same things over and over.”

“I've found a house and the lease is in my name. The kids will stop paying their board to you and give it to me now.”

“You have to come and move your stuff now. Or I will throw it out.”

“Don't you dare!”

“Well, I'm not taking it with me. Just come and get it.”

“We’re moving Mary. I've found a new home and the rental is in my name. I had to get help from the charity for the bond, but I can afford the rent each week.”

“That's really good news. Just make sure that you are in total control. He doesn't need to be any part of this. 

“I'm pleased to hear that Frances is moving. The eviction was a blessing in disguise and this is her first real step in taking control.”

“Yes, but she needs to make sure that he only visits the kids when it suits her.”

“John, this is my house and my life. No, you can’t have a key. You go and live your life with Penny, and I’ll lead my life anyway I like. And don't think you can drop in without warning.”

“It’s been a tough year Mary, and life is still very uncertain. I still worry and I'm still scared. But my legal team have sorted out lots of issues. And you were right, I should have got legal advice from the very beginning. I have learned a lot, but I'm still very angry and very lonely. Being part of a couple is very different to being single.”

“John will always be part of my life because he's the father of my kids. And I recognise now how controlling he has been and still is. It’s hard for me to keep control of everything. But I am learning. It takes a lot of time and energy. Twenty five years of depending on him have taken their toll. Thank goodness for my good friends.”

“But I've made big changes. I've enrolled in a TAFE course and am looking forward to a new career. And a new life.”

“Good luck in the future Frances. You can always talk to me. I won’t always know what to say. I won’t always know what to do. I won’t have all the answers. But I will always be here for you.”

“I think Frances will be okay. She has really grown over the last year. Life will be different for her and sometimes it will be hard, but there are lots of positives too.”

“I look forward to seeing a different woman grow out of this experience.”

“Yes, life works in mysterious ways. When John first left, she didn't know how she would cope. And look at her now, she is much stronger, more confident and more in control of her own destiny.”

“Let’s hope that she can now build a better and happier life.”