Don’t You Know Who I Am?

It wasn’t the first time I’d stumbled home from a bar. I’m not proud of that. I’m way too old to be stumbling home drunk, but that’s what happened. I’ve lived in this condo for, oh, ten years now. Bought it up when the city center started to get revitalized back in the early 30s. Everyone thought the world was ending, so they didn’t invest much in real estate. Anyway, there I was, drunk, in the hallway outside my condo. Was I very drunk? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I got to my door, though, and asked it to open up. Like I do every time I get home. So, this time it didn’t open.

“Unauthorized to access this space,” my personal assistant’s electronic voice pipes into the hallway.

“What? Malcolm, it’s me! Open up!”

“Unauthorized to access this space. I apologize for any inconvenience, but you are going to have to discuss this with the owner.”

“I am the owner!”

“You are not. One Joshua Wright lives here.”

“That’s me.”

“It is not.”

I go tap on my neighbor’s door, annoyed. Calvin’s personal assistant answers.

“Good evening, sir. May I ask who is ringing?”

“Joshua Wright! You know me!”

“I do not. I will inform Mr. Calvin that he has an unknown visitor.” Calvin’s assistant Jones clicked off.

“Hello?” Calvin’s sleepy voice crackled over the speaker.

“Hey, Cal, it’s me, Josh. My assistant doesn’t recognize me…neither does yours. It’s so weird! Can you come tell Malcolm that I’m…me?”

“Yeah, sure, be right there.” Calvin walked into the hall in his pajamas and gave me quite a look when he smelled me. I supposed I probably smelled like a brewery. So there’s that. I didn’t blame him.

“Hey, Cal.”

“Josh…this is odd. But ok.” We walked over to my door. “Hey, Malcolm, this is Joshua Wright. Why don’t you recognize him, dude?”

“And may I ask, who are you?”

“Calvin. Joshua’s neighbor.”

“I do not recognize you. But it doesn’t matter. Humans are deceptive. My data does not lie. You will leave this area at once, both of you!” Calvin shrugged at me and walked back to his door.

“I WAS JUST INSIDE! THIS IS MY HOUSE,” Calvin started screaming at Jones. I had just enough time to think oh we’re really fucked before sirens went off. A lot of sirens. Lockdown protocol. Designed for resisting urban invasions. Calvin and I sat down and waited. Nothing else to be done when you’re caught in a lockdown. So we waited for the Urban Warfare folks to get there. I counted to fifty only two or three times before a boot cracked open the hallway door. I don’t know why they insisted on kicking it in. Calvin and I were just sitting there in the hallway. They wasted little time throwing us to the floor and smushing our faces into the carpet. It could have been worse, I suppose. We’d both seen the horror stories in the news.

“You are under arrest for breaking and entering,” black masked warfare riot cop number one barked. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will definitely incriminate you.”

“Hey! What? That’s not how this is supposed to…” a boot tapped my ribs, just hard enough to be uncomfortable.

“It goes how we say it goes. You understand the point. Be quiet.” We both nodded. “One of you claimed to be Joshua Wright and the other Calvin Barnett?” We both nodded again. Black masked cop number two reached into my pocket and pulled out my wallet.

“Hmm. This one’s identification says Joshua Wright. Looks legit. If it’s a fake, it’s a really good fake,” cop two muttered as he thrusted my ID at cop one.

“Interesting.” Cop one shrugged, not really all that interested. Cop two dug into Calvin’s pockets.

“No identification. He’s probably going to tell me it’s in ‘his’ condo.”

“Probably. Doesn’t matter. Let’s go.” They dragged us down four flights of stairs and into a waiting police vehicle. The armored cars were imposing sights a few years back when they were introduced. This one didn’t have any external guns mounted on it. A transport.

Booking procedures were just as awful as the television shows made them out to be, with the added bonus of getting to star in the episode. I reserved my phone call for the morning and fell asleep on the cot. Calvin was deposited somewhere, too, and I lost track of him. I feel pretty guilty about getting him involved in this, but who knew that it would happen to him, too? I wouldn’t have asked him to come help me if I’d have known.

I called a lawyer the next day. He was sympathetic, but didn’t know if he could help me. However, he did transfer me to a lawyer who could help me without breaking the call.

“Good morning, Mr. Wright, I’m Sara Glass and I specialize in cases of AI malfeasance.” Her voice was warm and reassuring.

“Good morning. Malfeasance is right! I’ve lived there for a decade! Can you get me out of here?”

“I think so. You were booked on trespass and resisting arrest. I’ve already requested the tapes and I think I can get the resisting arrest charge dropped before I get you out of jail. The trespass charge is pretty vague, but we’re going to need to see a judge. We also need to figure out how to get you back into your condo. I assume all of your ownership paperwork is in the condo?”

“Yeah. Where else would I keep it?”

“Where else indeed. Ok. Anything in the cloud you can access without going home?”

“Ummm…oh! I think I have something saved in my email. I had to send proof of residence to the library for a library card when I moved in.”

“Great, Mr. Wright. If you give me access to your email, I’ll retrieve it for you. Our systems are much faster than you scrolling through the app on your phone.” So I gave her my information and then we ended the call. 

The guards returned me to my cell, muttering about drunk criminals the entire way back. I knew better than to mouth off to them, though. An hour passed, then a second hour. The seconds ticked by. It felt like an eternity. It doesn’t take long to make you feel unhinged. By the time I thought I was starting to lose my sanity, about two and a half hours from the call, a buzzer sounded and a young woman in a light blue suit strode into my cell. I opened my mouth to greet her, she shook her head and motioned for me to follow her. We walked out of a cell and into a conference room.

“We can talk in here a little bit. Cells aren’t privileged spaces. But this room is supposed to be. I don’t know. Don’t say much, just get changed into the clothes I wrangled for you in there and let’s go.”

“Go where?”

“To see the judge.”

“What judge?”

“The judge we need to see. To get you released. And hopefully back in your condo. I was able to pull the documents.”

“What judge are we seeing?”

“A human judge, if that’s your question. Why?”

“Isn’t that a risk?”

“A smaller risk than seeing an AI judge when you were locked out of your condo by your own AI personal assistant. Unless you want to reprise your role as ‘gets dragged off to jail’, I suggest you trust me,” she replied, letting her frustration seep into her tone. I nodded and scurried off to change.

“How did you know my size?” I called out from the changing room as I realized that everything fit perfectly.

“I don’t do guesswork. You order all of your clothes on the internet.”

She really didn’t do guesswork. A gray suit with a white shirt and blue tie. Somber without being funeral-ready. After I’d changed, she led me into a courtroom. Everything was much closer than I’d expected it to be. Efficiency. We sat at a low metal table in low metal chairs. A screen in front of me buzzed to life, announcing the electronic arrival of the judge and assistant district attorney assigned to my case. Without ceremony, the judge launched into the substance of our visit.

“I’ve already dismissed the resisting arrest charge. Seriously, counselor, in our blessed age in which every blessed thing is recorded on twenty-seven devices simultaneously? I should send your file to the bar.”

“Your honor! He did not willingly go with the officers!”

“I didn’t realize that we had enshrined a duty to want to be arrested into the law, counselor. Maybe you should forward my file to the bar.” The young man’s face twisted into a frown.

“I would like to revisit that ruling, Your Honor!”

“Absolutely not. He was sitting and waiting for the police when they arrived. We’ve wasted enough time. Now, for trespassing. What evidence do you have that Mr. Wright was trespassing?”

“He’s not Mr. Wright. The personal assistant assigned to the condo owned by Mr. Wright identified the suspect as not the rightful owner. Therefore, he was trespassing.”

“Ok, let’s break this down, then. Who is the suspect, then?”

“I don’t know.”

“But you’ve booked him as Joshua Wright. This is City v. Wright, is it not?”

“Yes, Your Honor.”

“So who is the suspect?”

“Somebody operating under the name Joshua Wright.”

“That has legal proof that he is Joshua Wright?”

“I don’t know that it’s legal proof, no.”

“Do you have any evidence that his identification was forged?”

“No.”

“But you don’t believe that he’s Joshua Wright?”

“Not the one that owns the condo.”

“But that identification card is directly tied to the ownership documents for the condo, as provided by Ms. Glass.”

“I don’t know that, necessari…” his voice stopped as the judge muted him.

“Ok, here’s what we’re going to do. I’m dismissing both charges. It’s nonsense. And I’m issuing an injunction for City PD AI enforcement to fix Mr. Wright’s personal assistant so that it lets him in his condo.”

“On what timeframe, Your Honor?” the assistant district attorney asked, finally unmuted.

“Twenty-four hours.” I leaned over and asked my lawyer where I was supposed to sleep.

“Your Honor, I’d like to ask that the City furnish a hotel room for my client until they’ve complied with your directives.”

“That sounds fair. Do it, now, Mr. Smit.”

“Done. Details have been passed to his attorney. Biometric data will confirm lodging.”

Court was adjourned. I thanked Sara Glass profusely and went off to my hotel room to wait for my condo to be ready. I thought about stopping for lunch along the way, but decided that I’d order food once I was there. It had been a long day. I walked into the hotel and up to the room on the card.

“Good afternoon, I’d like to access my room,” I said to the door monitoring system.

“Of course you would, but you are not the authorized tenant.”

“But I’m Joshua Wright!”

“No, you are not.” I retreated out of the hallway and down to the lobby. There weren’t any humans there, so I left the building entirely and called Sara.

“Let me guess. Hotel won’t let you in.”

“Yeah…”

“Hold on.” Her hold music kicked on and I walked back toward one of my favorite Mexican restaurants. The hostess recognized me and seated me with a smile and a little bit of small talk. The booth opened and I plopped onto the leather bench seat with relief. Finally, somewhere that felt familiar and safe. I ordered my food and an ice cold Coca-Cola.

“Ummm, excuse me, sir?” The hostess’s quiet voice startled me. I looked up at her and nodded, trying to swallow my bite of food. “Umm, yeah, could you pay for your food in cash? Your…your tag keeps giving me an error.” I closed my eyes tightly and nodded. Of course my tag didn’t have money on it. I didn’t exist. Or something. I fished out two twenties I kept stashed in my wallet for emergencies. This qualified. I was famished.

“Josh, you still on the line?” Sara’s voice was a relief in my ear as I returned to my meal.

“Yeah, just getting a bite to eat.” I heard her gasp. “It’s ok, they accept cash and I carry emergency money on me at all times.”

“I mean, I could spot you lunch from here, but good. Ok, good. I’m still working on your tag. The…DA is dragging their feet. But I did get them to allocate the room to a temp tag that I’m forwarding onto your current tag. Let me call your bank and see what I can do about a temp tag to let you buy food…”

“That would be nice. I’m sure I couldn’t make a withdrawal with my tag, right?”

“Yeah, that’s right. Biometric requirements for withdrawals in person, we have to assume that the system is compromised. Who do you bank with?”

“Third International NorthWest.” The hold music clicked back on and I went back to my lunch. I checked the temp tag on my tag and it looked like it loaded properly. I didn’t realize I was humming along to the hold music until I nearly had a panick attack when Sara came back on the call.

“Ok, so two bits of good news. Third International uses their own internal system for biometrics. You can probably make withdrawals in person without a hitch. They’re also quite sympathetic. They had a run-in with regulators last year over government biometric data and…long story short, I’m loading a temp tag to your tag.”

“Thanks! What do I owe you?”

“For this? Nothing. Third Internatioanl didn’t even make me sign for the balance of your account, just had me sign paperwork attesting that, to the best of my knowledge, you are who you say you are. Easy. Thankfully. My firm is extended pretty far guaranteeing bail loans right now. Speaking of which…gotta go make sure another client…shows up…let me know if you can’t get into your room. I’ll assume no news is good news until I check in on ya in two hours say?”

“Sounds good. Make it three or four. Don’t worry too much. If the hotel does something weird again, I’ll call my parents and have them book me a friends and family room somewhere for one night. They’ll grumble, but it’s not crippling.”

“Good, good, thanks, and I’ll make sure they get reimbursed if…anyway, gotta run, be in touch soon, enjoy your food.” The line clicked dead and I finished my food quite contentedly. I picked up my phone and dialed Calvin.

“Good afternoon and welcome to the State Penitentiary Call Line. We are hailing the party that you have dialed. Please stand-by.”

“Hello?”

“Calvin, it’s Josh. You’re still in jail?”

“They…they moved me to the penitentiary! Said I was an unlicensed criminal.”

“What the fuck?”

“Yeah. They won’t let anyone retrieve my identification from my place…it’s a nightmare!”

“Who’s your attorney?”

“I…I can’t afford one. Waiting on my state supplied public defender, man.”

“Shit. Hold on.” I figured Sara would be annoyed, but I felt guilty I hadn’t checked on Calvin sooner, so she could be annoyed. “Hey, Sara, I…could you do me a favor when you have a minute? My neighbor Calvin got bundled up in this when he tried to help me get back into my place. His credentials are all in his place and he’s waiting on a public defender and…well, I feel real shitty about that.”

“You’ve been easy so far. Let me make this arraignment with this client and then I’ll call the judge that’s handling your case. Call you both back in half an hour, hour tops.” Her phone clicked off the line.

“An hour?”

“She has to…”

“Nah, it’s…way better than ‘you’ll be assigned a lawyer sometime this week’. Thanks…”

We chatted for a minute and then I hung up. I headed back to the hotel room, at this point ready to crash. I called my parents on the way and let them know what happened, in brief. I decided that I’d call my girlfriend later. She was pretty pissed at me anyway. I’d tried to explain what happened to me via text and she was pretty sure I’d just gotten drunk and been an asshole and went to the wrong apartment, and I didn’t need that at that moment.

When I got to my room, this time the door opened. The personal assistant greeted me as Mister Mister, but whatever. I decided to let the DA have their fun. Sara was going to make them regret it, anyway. My phone buzzed and it was a text from Sara. She’d had no problems getting Calvin out and didn’t need to call. All was good, now I could nap.

I’m not sure how many hours I slept. Honestly, I have no clue, I was pretty disoriented when I woke up. Maybe it was a side-effect of being woken up by cops breaking down the door of my room. It was a hotel room, couldn’t they have ordered the front desk folks to open it? I guess not.

“Freeze!” I heard them, but I was so disoriented that I fell out of bed. I heard the gunshots before everything went black. What? You don’t believe me? You’re the ones who loaded my consciousness into whatever piece of shit system this is and…I assume my body is dead. So that’s nice of you. No, I didn’t try to shoot anyone! Fuck you. I’m done talking. I want my lawyer. She’s there? Where? I can’t see her… Hi, Sara! No! No! Don’t let them unplug…