i should have known.

As I remember 5th grade sitting in class like every other individual person, all of us are different yet I still found myself a little more weird than others. I went home like every other day but this day felt more interesting.

Watching youtube as i came across this video of a “Lgbt short film” as i stared long and curious i whispered under my breath “what is lgbt?” 

The next thing you know i'm on google searching up lgbt and i was a young kid so i didn't understand the words they gave me.

I kept scrolling to look for easier words to understand and I found a quiz. Of course my mind was very curious on why there was a quiz on lgbt but I didn't even know what it was so of course i took the quiz. 

First question: “Do you think about dating girls?”

Huh!? 

I sat there confused. “Dating girls?” What kind of question was that, it left me to wonder the whole night as I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about the question.

The next day at school looking at my peers around me but more specifically the girls and how I see them.

Girls are pretty but guys are cute. I always dreamed of marrying a nice man for myself, but a girl?

6th grade comes around and yet I'm still curious about who I am. One time I went to my cousin's house and she was talking about “bisexuality” and that she liked boys and girls, she was older so she knew what she was saying.

“You can like both?” i said, she responded with a “of course.”

As i lived up to myself to finally take the quiz once again and as i read through the questions i remembered what brought me here which was the lgbt film. 

I went back to watch it. I remember the exact video because it stuck to me.

As i watched it and the women said things like “she was like no other” “she makes me feel good about myself but more than a friend way.” 

By the end the 2 girls kiss it was a very romantic kiss like in a romance movie with a guy and girl but this time it was girls.

I felt butterflies in my stomach not from the kiss but from one of the girls, she was really pretty.  

“What, pretty!?” no no i like guys is what i grew up hearing love stories between a man and women is what i thought. But a woman and women just sounded more right as I say it. 

I had an argument with myself for a whole hour wondering and curious yet to why I'm feeling this way. 

weeks pass and i already forgot about what i was searching for. A new girl comes in my class as she meets herself in front of the classroom saying her name in a voice so delicate and her brown wavy hair bouncing and cute jeans that I've seen on many other girls but it fit her the most. As she sits 1 table in front of me next to some guy that was trying to get her attention and so was everyone else. 

I remember seeing her at break as people wanted to be friends with her and that smile that just was perfect on her. As I walked to my friend group everyone also wanted to talk to her and so we did. My friends started asking questions and she answered all of them so clearly till one of them said “so have you found a cute guy yet?” what kind of person asks that to a new kid.

She still seemed confident answering those questions as she said “I don't know the guys seem cool as friends.”

Could she be gay?, my heart dropped a little. I didn't know why but I knew it dropped for her, “Elisabeth.” as i said but sounded like a whisper she didn't get to hear yet she still looked at me with her beautiful hazel eyes like if i was feeling a vibe.

Butterflies flew through my stomach as my friends asked if she wanted to hangout this weekend and she replied with a voice I would wanna hear for hours, “yes.”

The week flew so fast with just staring at her, as the weekend grew we had a group chat already about when we were gonna meet up but i started to private chat with her, asking questions about her like any other person.

Me and her were the first ones at the park and we sat at a bench waiting but then she wanted to start a conversation with, “so do you like anyone?” as we glared at each other i didn't know how to respond but i just said what came to mind  “i dont know” she looked back at me as she licked her lips saying “come on not one guy you like?” i got nervous quickly and didnt know what to say but yet my dumb self always speaks what first comes to mind, “a guy isnt really what im looking for right now.”

How stupid could i even get at this point. She didn't seem to get uncomfortable but yet smiled and said “oh ok” i think i  was good.

As our friends appeared out of the blue we all brought some board games and card games to play. A few hours go by and our friends leave because it's getting late and me and her were the only ones left. 

As we sat at the bench for a minute and as the long minute passed she said “this was really fun, i had a good time.” I said the same.

I looked at her lips and then at her eyes a couple times till she finally noticed and she started to look at my lips. 

I think I got the signal to kiss her, but I wasn't sure. The next thing you know she makes the first move and grabs my face gently just like the film I watched as her lips got closer to mine. I lean in as well and the kiss was like no other.

It felt right and at the right moment the butterflies in my stomach were also very happy.

As she pulled away not like she was disgusted but she pulled away while smiling and blushing.

We stared at each other for a while, i start getting nervous and didnt know what to say then all of a sudden the words came out like nothing, she was gonna be the first person i come out to, she was already my first kiss and just like nothing i said “im bisexual.”

-adamaris