Laughter

Risa slowly exited the small book shop, turned and carefully locked the door before methodically walking down the three steps to the sidewalk.  The sun was bright overhead but to Risa everything was grey.  She felt heavy, much heavier than the 187 pounds she carried on her five foot seven inch frame. She struggled to turn toward the track or the gym, but was at her house before she realized it. Her house was a restored five bedroom Victorian situated on two acres six miles south of town.  Risa parked her car next to the garage and drug herself up to the back door.  It wasn’t locked.  “I must have forgot to lock it this morning” She said to herself, “unless Isaac is home already”  her spirits lifted slightly at the thought of her husband of six years. When she entered the house the only greeting came from her funny looking, little mutt.  Risa knelt down on the kitchen floor and hugged the dog, “Oh, Daisy, you are so sweet, you always make the day brighter, the darkness is closing in on me though, what am I going to do? Everything feels so hopeless.”  She stood and took a twisted tea out of the fridge.  “Don’t look at me like that, Daisy it’s only 5%, and I’ll have it gone before Dad gets home from work.”  She heard her mom's voice in her head “you know alcohol is a depressant, the ‘help’ is very temporary”.  Risa shuffled into the living room and set her half empty can on the end table, flopped in her recliner and turned on the TV, not even noticing the  program.   “You know mom, you’ve been gone five years and I miss you more now than I did at your funeral.”    Risa curled up in the recliner and shivered but didn’t have the energy to get up to get a blanket, Daisy jumped up and snuggled down on her legs.

The sun was setting when Isaac entered the house, His voice sounded muffled in her brain fog.  Raisa slowly stretched, opening her eyes. “Isaac, what are you doing at home?”

“ It's 6:45 p.m. Risa, how are you feeling? Have you eaten anything?”

“I don't have enough energy to eat.”  Risa responded in monotone.

“I brought your favorite lasagna, breadsticks and salad.”  Isaac picked up the empty can and put it in the recycle bin. Risa slowly pulled herself up the stairs to the bathroom. She stood for several minutes staring blankly at her reflection. She vaguely noted that her eyes were dull,and her red hair looked like thin copper wire around her pale face. She heard a light tap on the door and sighed. “He never gives up. Does he Daisy?” Daisy wagged her tail and followed her people downstairs.  Risa sat heavily in her chair and stared at the beautiful table her husband had laid out for her.  Once she would have greeted him enthusiastically and gushed over the thoughtfulness of his gesture. She was still grateful but unable to express it.  Isaac sat down across from her. 

 “How was your day?” 

“Okay.”

 “Did you have a good day at work?” 

“All right.”

“Any new books come in?”

 “A few.”

“Any on depression?”

“Isaac please”

“Risa, you took medication before.”

Anger flared in Rice's eyes and her face flushed.  “Please, the first thing they gave me made me feel less depressed but gave me weird dreams and a hangover.  Then there was the one that made my head feel like it was riding around on my left shoulder.  And the last one turned me into a zombie with high blood pressure.  What do you want me to do!?” 

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Please eat something.  You're going to be sick if you don't. I miss you. We used to laugh and have a good time together. It hurts me to see you drag around barely alive.”  They sat in silence for a while. Isaac ate all of his portion but Ria managed to swallow only a few bites. “Let’s clean up together like we used to.” Risa got up and scraped the remains of her salad into the trash and put her lasagna in the fridge. She she was swimming through chest deep molasses. 

 Riser set numbly next to Isaac on the couch watching TV. The darkness pulling her down..

“What do you think of that? Do you think that crash was an accident?”

“Oh, I don't know, maybe they will solve it soon?”

 Isaac sighed and pulled Risa closer to his side.  “It's the news, honey, not a cop show.”

“Oh sorry, nothing is sinking in today. I think I'll go on up to bed.” 

“Okay, maybe I can make you feel better later.  I do know what you like.”

“Risa's back stiffened and she paused for a moment before continuing up the stairs to their room.  She didn't feel like showering, so she just stripped and got into bed. She lay there not asleep, not awake, just there.  She felt Isaac slide into bed behind her. She could smell his shower, fresh scent. He slipped his arms around her and pulled her close, nuzzling her neck.  “I can't,” she mumbled. 

“Risa it has been four months, can't you at least. . “

“At least what!? I want to want you. I want to want your children, but I can't. . . I can't lose another one”

“I know it has been awful. I just hope that we can heal.”

“I can't, I can't take a chance on losing another baby, three is enough.”  Risa got up and pulled on a pair of sweats and a T-shirt and went downstairs.  She jerked her plate of lasagna out of the fridge and began stabbing it fiercely with a fork. When it resembled mush, she shoved a fork full into her mouth, but couldn't make herself swallow. She held the bite in her mouth until she gagged, then spit it back onto the plate and scraped the whole mess into the trash. She wandered aimlessly around the kitchen, living room, laundry room, finally collapsing into a fitful sleep on the couch. 

0530

Rica smelled coffee, she forced her eyes open.  The sun was barely showing in the picture window, Isaac was sitting on the floor beside her, waving a cup of coffee under her nose. “You are too good for me.” She sipped the coffee and let the warmth penetrate her chilliness. 

“When you get that in you why don't you come and run with me.”

“What did you put in my coffee?”

“Just some protein powder you haven't been eating”  Rica forced herself to swallow all of the coffee and then went up to their bedroom. She stared at her fingers. They looked normal, but felt swollen, she fumbled but finally got her shoes tied.  The overwhelming feeling of walking upstream through a river of molasses returned in full force.  At the back door she put her hand in Isaac's and he gently pulled her towards the running path.  Her movements gradually became easier.  She managed almost a quarter of a mile then stopped.  “You go on and finish the course. I think I can shower and go to work.”  She walked at an almost normal pace back to the house.  She managed to shower and get dressed for work.  She fixed herself some toast and managed to eat a half a slice before leaving for the bookstore. 

 Risa looked up from the ledger she was working on. A middle-aged woman came into the store.

“Good morning, how can I help you?”

“I’m looking for a cookbook that has a picture of a roasted chicken and a salad on the front cover.”

“Anything else you can tell me about it? Did it have a red checkered spine?”

“I don't know?”

“Do you remember any of the recipes?”

“Just the one for roasted rosemary chicken, I can't remember all of the ingredients.”

“What do you remember?”

“Well chicken, Rosemary, orange juice,”  Risa entered the ingredients into a recipe database, after a few minutes she found a recipe that seemed close to what the woman was looking for and found books that contained the recipe. 

“I think we may have one of those in stock.”  They went to the recipe book section. “This one looks like it has a recipe but the cover doesn't look the same.” 

“I wanted to give my niece the same recipe book that her grandma had.” 

“I can look on used book sites, and order one.”

“I really need it today, her birthday is tomorrow.”

“You can take this one, and leave me your contact information and I can keep looking for a good used one that matches the cover you remember.”  

The customer laid the book on the counter. “Never mind I'll find something else.”  Risa watched the customer's retreating back.  The darkness that she had been fighting all morning came flooding back.  Risa looked at the clock, 11:30, she walked aimlessly through the bookstore randomly shelving books..  She locked and left the store a few minutes before noon.  Risa drove home slowly barely noticing the road.

2:15pm

She looked up as the nursery came into focus, she was sitting on the floor rocking back and forth a pin cushion in her left hand several straight pins were protruding from her thumb pad. Her gaze fell on Daisy leaving against her leg.  “Well Daisy I may have brought myself to Consciousness but I still don't feel anything, nothing, no pain, no happiness, no anger, nothing. I can't even cry.”  Her voice sounded dead in her own ears.  The sewing basket was beside her. She fished around and found her grandma’s scissors, always sharp.

 5:46pm

Isaac's words penetrated slowly to her consciousness.  “She was covered in blood, there's blood all over the carpet and Daisy.”

“Risa attempted to sit up and realize she was strapped on a gurney. She looked down at her right arm, it was wrapped in bloody gauze. She stared hard at it,  maybe she felt a little bit of pain. “I'm still alive.”

“Is that an accident?”

 Lisa stared at the paramedic leaning over her, “No, I don't want to die, I'm already dead, I'm trying to come back.”

“We are transporting you to a psychiatric ER for suicide attempt.” 

 Risa opened her mouth to protest, but tiredness washed over her.  Isaac squeezed her hand “I'll meet you there, they won't let me ride with you.”

 9:56am 

 Lisa was sitting up in the bed staring at the TV rubbing her upper arms. Isaac sat next to her with his laptop open, When a different nurse walked in. “How are you feeling?  The doctors would like to admit you to a non-medical-psych unit.  You will be able to  wear regular clothes, They may want to run some more tests. I heard someone say they wanted to check your thyroid function but I haven't found the order yet. You have been diagnosed with clinical depression and they would like for you to try some medication.” 

Risa stared at her.  “Have you actually looked at my medical history?”

 “We have actually that's why we would like to keep you for a week or so and monitor your response to the medications.”

“Do I have a choice?”

 “You will also be offered some talk therapy.”

“Yay someone else to educate about my problems.” 

“ We are trying to help you, there is no need to be belligerent.”

“If you actually looked at my medical records, you should know what help I have already had.”

“I'm sorry.   I didn’t see that you were ever put on any thyroid medication, I am going to push for that to start with.” 

A tiny bit of hope sprung up in Risa but she continued to glare silently at the Nurse. 

“Risa I'll be right beside you every step of the way.”  Risa flopped her head back on the pillow and crossed your arms. A single tear dropped from one eye.  Relief washed over her at least the tears started.  

The nurse handed her a tissue. “Here, don't cry; it'll be alright.”

“Get out of my face,  you have no idea what you are talking about.”

 The nurse nodded and left the room. Risa heard her say “psych is going to have to do their own intake, she won't talk to me.” 

Risa shook her head in frustration. Isaac sat on the edge of the bed. “Hey, cry all you want to. Just a stick around.”

“Is that what you think? That I was trying to kill myself?”

“ I'm not sure, there was a lot of blood, I don’t know” he shrugged helplessly.

“I was trying to feel pain so that I could cry and release this deep well of darkness and despair inside me, using the pad of my thumb for a pin cushion, worked before.”

“I won't pretend I know what it is like to have so much darkness and despair, but I do suffer the pain and loss of our children. Hold on, I’m with you, whatever you need me to do.” 

Risa sighed, “go home and get me enough clothes for a few days; simple stuff, sweats, t-shirts, nothing that requires a belt;  toothbrush and toothpaste, but no mouthwash, it contains alcohol, hair brush and comb. no pins or metal barrettes, no aerosol Hairspray.  If you can pick up some non-aerosol hairspray or spray gel that should be okay.  Slip on shoes, no laces allowed. I'll keep my wedding rings but take this necklace and bracelets back home.”

Isaac stared at her. “Guess it’s not your first rodeo, but I have a feeling that this will be different.”

“It will be, I have you.”

Six months later

Risa put two glasses of sweet iced tea on the tray with the meat and cheeses, and carried it out to the patio.  Isaac would be home soon, Risa couldn’t stop smiling, she danced back into the house for napkins. Isaac pulled his truck into the garage and met her on the patio, she threw her arms around him and held him tight. Tight enough that he could feel the kicking of the unborn child between them.  He pressed his forehead to hers and they said in unison “You are my Laughter” . 

Suicide/crisis hotline USA 988 call, text or chat. 

UK 111 option 2 for mental Health or mental health Direct on 0800 995 1000