The Diffidence of Man

Contains brief mentions of sexual violence, trauma, and strong language. Please keep yourself safe.

I can’t be trusted alone with my thoughts. They are constantly racing and tripping over each other, much like the way water trips and flows over the stones in a riverbed.

“No one wants to buy a car that’s been used, abused, and around the block. They want something shiny and new,”

The words my mother had always said to me were ringing in my ears. I remember being confused, not fully understanding the not-so-thinly veiled metaphor my mother was using with me at the ripe old age of twelve. It's funny the different ways we as a society are desperate to hide away our obsession with sex, from bad metaphors about cars to commercial slogans, to the booming porn industry. Sex is ingrained in everything we do.

My hesitation as I stand here I’m sure is not surprising. Everyone I’ve gathered, waiting on bated breath. What will I say next? Will it be what everyone wants of me, or will it be the horrible ending I expect? Fear batters my spine, eating every ounce of breath left in my body. My hands begin to shake as adrenaline quakes through my veins. Who am I to be here? Who am I to stand here and take up this space like some holy deity on a pedestal? I am stood across from someone who can only be described as god-like. Am I divine enough to stand opposite them? I am indeed blessed to have made it so far, and yet, I ponder, do they even want me?

I am not what my mother described all those years ago as “Shiny and New.” Even before I had been stained, I was not exactly saintly. I had seen my fair share of partners. Yet, one stands out against the rest—the one that spoiled my days and forced me to be someone I did not recognize. It is because of him that I hesitate. What he did to me could never be forgiven. He took advantage of me in a time when naivety clouded my vision. A time when I had just begun to come into my own. He used sweet words to bait me into a sense of security. All I had wanted was to be loved. I had just broken up with my long-term partner. I wanted to feel as though I could be casual. I could be the cool college person everyone looked up to. That person who went to all the parties with the most extraordinary dates, drank the most without throwing up. And yet the first man I saw took all that away from me.

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair what he did to me that night. It wasn’t fair that I’m standing here, questioning things over and over again because of him. I should not be left alone with my thoughts. And yet, that was the very place I had retreated to afterward. I rescinded into my mind and stayed there for years. I piloted my life like it didn’t matter. I guess to me, it hadn’t. I had barely had time to exist in my bubble of young freedom before it was ripped from under me. Suddenly, I no longer wanted to be the person I once longed to be. I stopped going to class. My grades slipped. I contemplated ending it all. And he just got to continue on. The popular guy all the first-year students were warned to stay away from. Where had my warning been? Why hadn’t anyone been there to protect me?

I had been left to the wolves to figure everything out for myself. I had laid there helpless as he had stolen my innocence away from me. It wasn’t fair. I had to grieve the loss of who I was. I was left alone to pick up the pieces of myself that he had shattered. I was afraid I would never be whole again. And now I stand here like the god damned used car I am. I look down at the impossibly expensive clothes I wore. It was a lie. The white material turned heavy and leaden against my skin. I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t deserve this beautiful, exceptional person who stands before me.

“I—”

I manage to choke out, sweat rippling down my body. My eyes fill with tears as I look out at the audience of people gathered here. Bringing them all out here had been a mistake. They can see through the lie of the white I wore. They knew I was exactly what he had called me when I had called him out for what he had done to me.

“Whore”

I can’t do this. My heart begins to pound even faster in my chest, and my breath quickens as though it is running from me. I look around for someone to help me, desperately trying to find a set of eyes in the audience that would come to my aid. But all I saw was a sea of angry, wicked faces. Every one of them chanting repeatedly,

“Whore”

“Whore!”

“WHORE”

I move to put my hands over my ears to stop the shouting when a hand grasps my chin and turns my head. I turn and look into the eyes of this heavenly person across from me. I see the most brilliant shade of blue. Those eyes are soft and concerned.

“Don’t look at them, my dear. Look at me.”

A smile paints their lips as they drop their hand from my face. A face I have known and loved for years. A face I met amongst the dark. A face that showed me how to step into the light. Someone that knew of my past and didn’t once gawk. Someone who didn’t pressure, question, or dismiss me—someone who loves me, flaws and all. My heartbeat slows as I look at the one person who loves every piece of me. I glance down at my shaking hands, and my beloved takes them. I am immediately enveloped in the warmth of their palms, and I can’t help but notice their slight shake as well.

I smile to myself. They are flesh and blood and stand before me out of love. They are not some God to be placed upon an altar. They are real, and they are in front of me, and they are mine. I can practically feel the love radiating off them as I look up and into their eyes. Tears threaten to spill down my cheeks like the rivers flowing through my mind. They are human, just as I am. Their heart beats in their chest just as mine does, and without it, we would be nothing. A human is not defined by what they have and have not done. They are not defined by what has been done to them. A human is determined by the love they contain within their hearts, and with whom they choose to share it.

I am so loved by the person who stands before me, and if they can love me despite everything, I think I can too. What happened to me all those years ago was terrible. No one deserves to go through that. Just because we aren’t “Shiny and new” doesn’t mean we aren’t worthy of love. The state of someone’s virginity does not determine their worth, nor is it defined by what has been taken from them. Every human being is valuable because they are just that. Human. Humans are flawed and beautiful, but they can also be threatening and dangerous. To be human means to embrace this terrifying world in which we live, flaws and all. To be human is to love others and ourselves as deeply and honestly as possible.

I look once more to the person across from me who I love with all of my being, knowing full well that they love me too, despite—no, because of it all. I take a deep, steadying breath and feel the air fill my lungs, expanding and stretching my body. The air chases away all the fear and doubt, polluting my body. I square my shoulders and take one last look around the room, and then finally to my love. Saying,

“I do”