Wanderlust

The day was settling down in a blaze of golden light, the color of the grass and the foliage were so brilliant, but Henry wasn´t able to drink in its beauty.  He had been plagued by an uneasiness deep in his chest all day;  a kind of vague foreboding. When his son drove into the yard of the farm, he knew for sure: something was wrong.

He heard Teddy's car stall in the garage. A silence fell, that seemed to last an eternity.

Henry pulled Fluffy closer to him and stroked him behind the ears.

-"What is that boy doing over there?" he said to the dog, running his hand through his yellow-brown hair, "Why is he taking so long?"

Teddy's mother, Christine, was looking out the kitchen window.

"Teddy has gone up the ridge, Henry," she said. "He's staring across the valley."

 He looked questioningly at his wife.

Christine turned back to the stove and pushed back an unruly strand of greying hair. Henry's uneasiness increased even more. He leaned back in his chair and tugged nervously on his pipe. He tried to distract his mind by making a list in his head of all the work that still had to be done.

-"Damn." he growled, "Why is he home so late today? He should have been here hours ago."

Suddenly the door flew open. Teddy was whistling nonchalantly and tonelessly. He filled the whole room with his broad shoulders. A cool east wind followed him through the door, blowing in an aura of excitement.

Teddy's eyes sparkled: "Hey Dad!" he greeted, "An airship landed this afternoon."

Henry's fingers began to tingle, and a chill ran down his spine. Teddy's eyes lit up as he petted the dog on the head. His whole body seemed to tremble with excitement.

-"I went up the ridge to look at it. It is a beauty, Dad: tall and slim. You should see her. She caught the sunset so beautifully; I've never seen anything so beautiful."

Teddy ran to his mother and kissed her forehead.

-"Come on, Ma. Come up with me to look at it before the sun is completely gone."

-"I still have plenty to do." Christine said sharply, "And you too, by the way. Did you pick up your father's orders?"

Teddy frowned and snapped his fingers:

-"Forgot all about it. The ship landed just as I entered town, and I rushed over to look at it."

He sat down opposite his father at the table. He did not seem to notice the dark cloud on his father´s face.

-"They let me in to watch, Dad. I have never seen anything so fantastic. It is hard to believe they get such a ship off the ground.

Henry scowled. The tightness in his stomach made his food tasteless.

-"That sounds beautiful." he said sourly. He turned his head back to his plate and hoped this discussion and talk about that ship was over.

-"Can you wash on such a ship?" Teddy's mother asked.

-"Eat!" Henry interrupted his son's attempt to answer. Teddy fell silent, falling into the warm silence of a hungry eighteen-year-old before a full plate. His father put down his fork. His appetite was completely gone, and nausea took hold of him. He felt the tension build in his body and tightness made his breathing difficult. His wife stopped eating as well. Henry could feel her tension.

-"Remember Lenny? I saw him this afternoon. He was one of the pilots of that ship." Teddy's eyes lit up. "

-"Lenny?" Teddy's mother asked, "Wasn't that your skinny friend?"

Teddy was gobbling down his food,

-"Yes, but now he is very muscular. He looks great." Teddy put down his fork:

"We've talked for a long time, Dad," he said with a subtle change in his voice.

"I especially remember that Lenny was a fool," Henry said, irritated in a broken voice. "He didn’t have all his marbles."

Teddy fiddled with his fork, eyes down. It was quiet in the room. Christine was startled by her husband's outburst. Henry looked gloomy. His hand trembled as he fumbled clumsily for his pipe. He was angry with himself for not being able to find the words that would emphasize his fatherhood.

-"Dad..." Teddy began.

Henry clutched his pipe with his fingers.

-"Yes, Theodore?"

Teddy looked straight at his father: "I'm going, father." he said softly, "I'm going to fly."

The chill grew in Henry's stomach and spread to his chest and legs. He heard Christine's gasping and the cold deepened. He looked for words but could not find any. They did not come, the words he so desperately needed now.

He had prepared for this a long time ago. He had always known that this day, this moment would come. And now... nothing! Just silence. He could not help but stare into that grey silence.

"I've never heard anything so ridiculous in my life." Teddy's mother burst out. "You're crazy kid! You are sitting here eating at my dinner table and you have the nerve to tell me you want to leave the farm? And what about school? You are not thinking about quitting college, are you? Over my dead body, son. You are crazy, crazy, crazy." With a thump, she put her glass of water on the table.

-"That is out of the question!" she continued, "And that's the end of it."

Teddy wriggled uncomfortably in his chair.

-"I am serious, Ma! They are taking on new students and I signed up this afternoon. They are going to take me. I want to go!"

Henry grabbed the edge of the table and sat, fighting for self-control.

"Don't be such a fool, boy," he said at last in a tight voice. "You don't know what you're saying. You are not an airship man!" His hands trembled even more violently now:

-"You belong here! On the farm! Here! The sky is no place for you. You are not a wanderer who wants to float over the clouds." Henry stamped tobacco into the bowl of his pipe with a certain determination.

"I know every boy nowadays dreams of flying. More and more boys are leaving home and their hearth. But the boys who have sense in their heads stay here. They stay at home." Henry raged on.

-"You don´t understand, Dad." Teddy began "I know you don't like me leaving home, and you think it's silly that I don't finish college." Teddy let out a deep sigh and continued, "You don't understand, Dad." His tanned face was pale now.

"I can't explain it to you, Dad. Ever since I was little, I wanted to be a pilot and fly to the stars. I just knew that was what I had to do." Teddy shook his head helplessly, "That's what I've always dreamed of. That is what I have always wanted. I must go!"

Teddy's voice was soft and low but sounded deadly to Henry's ears. He had never heard his son speak like that.

"But..." Christine began in tears, "you're not going to tell me that our farm means nothing to you. Your family lives here, son! Don't you care about that? Everything here is yours; you don’t just leave that behind."

"You know all too well how much I care about all this, Ma. And I like it here. It hurts me to leave everything here. I know how much work you and Dad put in to build it up."! Teddy avoided his mother's teary eyes and paused: "But my soul is not in it. I cannot offer myself to this land. I will die from the inside out if I have to be tied to this piece of land for the rest of my life. "

Christine suddenly looked so tired: "You idiot!" she said in a bitter voice, "You will get sick with longing for our green grass. Just you wait and see, you wouldn't be the first to lose his mind through homesickness." Her face turned red with anger. "When did you start shaving? Yesterday! And today you want to fly. What nonsense! You cannot do that. You simply cannot do that! You are not going. That is final. I do not want to hear about this anymore. Tell him, Henry! Tell him he cannot go! Tell him!"

-"Christine!" Henry howled.

She sat looking at her husband wide-eyed, "I'm sorry." she said almost in a whisper.

"Maybe Teddy and I should talk this out between us." Henry's voice was sharp and urgent.

Christine stood up in silence, "I'm sorry Henry."

She began to clear the table, her eyes full of tears.

-"Dad, please don't make a fuss!" Teddy said, anxiously. "I know this is a surprise for both of you."

Henry laughed sourly: "Hardly! We weren't born yesterday. We saw your friend Lenny go, and half a dozen other idiots like him. We knew that bug was going to bite you too. But we can't allow that. You have to understand that we cannot allow that.

Apart from the faint rustle of the wind through the curtains, the room was quiet.

"You're too young to see what you're going to run into, Ted. None of you guys realize that. You only see one side of the whole thing: the excitement and the adventure. It all sounds very exciting; I know but the reality is very different, and the adventure will melt away very quickly like snow in the sun. You will get endless days of waiting Sitting and waiting and waiting Always waiting, along with a dozen other men Wishing you could be alone You crave privacy and then you start hating those other men. And are you aware of the danger? Not the kind of exciting bravado they write nice stories about in books, but the perilous danger that lies in the dependence on a piece of metal. There is so much that can go wrong, and each one means you die. Not a brave death, son, nor a heroic one. A hell of a lonely death. There is no reward worth that risk."

-"Oh Dad, don't be so dramatic!" Teddy sighed, " Men who are not afraid of hard work, are needed and who know how to turn ideas into reality."

-"What glory is there in a profession where you can die thirty years too early?" Henry barked.

Teddy shuffled his feet under the table. "I knew you wouldn't understand, father," he said dejectedly. Henry's face flushed with annoyance.

"I don't find the right words to explain it to you," Teddy continued exhausted, "but I have to go." The boy's eyes suddenly blazed with anger:

-"How could you possibly understand? All your life you've been nothing but a dirt farmer." Teddy's words sounded bitter.

Henry sat frozen as if he had just been punched in the face. The atmosphere in the room was oppressive. He could hear his son breathing.

-"I am your father!" he said in a weary voice, barely audible, "I forbid you to go!"

A long silence followed.

-"I'm sorry, Dad. I'm going anyway!" Teddy said finally.

Christine had cried herself to sleep. The air was stuffy and damp. Henry sat on his bed listening to his wife's breathing. He got up and walked to the window. He could hear Fluffy’s claws scratching the floor. He stuffed her warm muzzle against his legs. It reassured Henry. He listened to the hum of crickets and the silent night sounds of the farm, the uneasy stamping of cattle in the barn. He smelled the cool air, the strong smell of hay and clover, and the uneasy stamping of cattle in the barn.

But Henry heard other sounds in his head as well: sounds of fear and horror, hatred, and despair. He shook his head and tried to send those thoughts back into oblivion, but he couldn't. The sensation was too overwhelming: his own wanderlust!

Memories flooded back into his mind, which he thought had been forgotten and erased.

He knew all too well what was after his son. He knew that consuming excitement, the insatiable hunger for ever more distant places. Oh yes, he had known it too, that wanderlust pull. But above all, his heart felt a bitter loss. His son would heed the call of his wanderlust, and perhaps he would never return.

Henry felt the sweat trickling down his neck. He knew he wouldn't be able to stop Teddy. It was useless to even try.

He went back to his room and sat on his bed in silence. He fondly stroked old Fluffy's snout, and let his tears run down his battered cheeks.