Hello me ( admit it )

Sitting on a rickety, rocking chair with old wooden legs making a noisy noise whenever I tilt it forward or backward. a dark room you can barely see the spot of your feet through a small candle placed next to the chair, Holding a cup of tea with my weak and trembling hand, it may be cold now, I do not know how much time has passed while I am in this state. I think I am still wearing the same shirt for about 4 days in a row. Disgusting, my whole state not only my clothes. I completely lost control of my mind. The situation in my head has become strange, there are people talking, screaming and yelling. I don’t know with whom or what they are talking about. But it seems that the essence of this talk is me. Who are you and how did you get into my head , why are you talking about me Is my situation so critical?         The windows were closed covered by curtains, it’s like sitting in a cave shielded by some huge rocks that block any light in. I don’t know what time is it now, are we at night or the sunlight is diffused, I hate sunlight.                                                               He graps another tea packet, the kettle was ready to heat up more water, pouring the water on the packet in the same old cup. He isn’t willing to exert any effort even washing a tea cup.           

An annoying bass voice shouts “leave him alone , let him die, he is not gonna hear us anyway”

He is In front of me staring directly into my eyes, his gaze doesn’t turn away from me, a look of much anger mixed with disappointed. Why me, why all this, what have I done, wait ..... He looks like me, he is me, but he was more elegant and cleaner, it’s me many years ago, the old me, the one who was smiling all the time, cheerful and funny. 

“I wished you the best, but you wished perdition for yourself” the same bass voice whimper again.  My head is spinning and I don’t know what’s going on.  

“Look miserable me, no no don’t panic it’s only me, in other words it’s you, I mean ....ok it doesn’t matter now, I only have one question for you, are you satisfied with yourself ? I mean your interactions with those around you, with your friends, with your family? 

My head is still freezed what is happening in front of me, I mean, am I talking with myself right now ?    Anyway , I am gonna try to be silent and he will disappear it’s only because of the pressure on my head.

“Oh may be you didn’t understand me when I said that I am you, I am thinking like you, eating like you, feeling like you, just listen to me then judge yourself “ he said with a little smile on his face.             I feel like I am drunk and unconscious. I feel empty inside, nothing to motive me, A small fish lost in a sea full of sharks and whales, She cannot keep up with anyone, and she cannot move, so that she is not eaten. 

“ You are such a big failure and a coward, selfish and may be ...Unaware of the value of the things you own” a loud voice shouts at me blaming. 

How do you think that you are an ideal when you have abandoned your family, you are just a scoundrel whom money called, leaving all that is valuable behind him to run after something worthless. Now you are sitting here blaming everyone around you for not evaluating you in a way that satisfies you or rather your ego. Did you take care of your little daughter do you know even what grade she is in? Your wife left you because you didn’t care about anything except becoming the most important one . The richest man in your town. And he advised you, yes your father the bass voice wasn’t anything except you are remembering a thing that you don’t want to remember. 

My head.... I don’t want all these memories, the darkness kills, my mind kills, 

“ What about us “ A soft voice with sadness and reprimand

 ...” daddy are you going with us tonight” Childish voice begging  

I wanted but I couldn’t, I mean, I needed to attend an important meeting that night. And......                   “ and you sacrificed the thing that was less important to you, you could have the meeting postponed, you didn’t care at all, they wasn’t your priority” he said 

I loved them, I really loved them , I just......had no time.

“ did you tell them, actions, it’s all about what they see, miserable me”

And at last I lost everything, the money, the family, friends, I lost me the old me, I lost you until you appeared today I knew that you were alive, safe and sound. But I still cannot reach you. 

“ A large tree, tall, with strong branches, a powerful tornado in place, and a woodcutter bashing the trunk with all determination to cut it in half. If the farmer who owned the tree knew about all this before it happened, would he have planted the tree in this place without protecting it from these dangers? You knew about the tornado but you agreed to face it, You agreed to face the hurricane hard, indifferent to the woodcutter hitting the trunk. Your tree is dead but for what reason is it the woodcutter or the tornado ? “ he waited for an answer ? 

“ it is because of the farmer who left his tree unprotected thinking that it’s hard enough” 

My eyes are closed, cannot say a single word, the voices in my ears, they are still arguing and shouting. I open my eyes again looking at the cup of tea that had turned cold again and I didn't even taste a single sip. That was the fourth cup, i hate myself more now. At least the tea was the only thing that didn’t turn it’s back to me, I let it be cold and nothing happens I prepare another one, no complaining for not caring about it and it don’t mind being there again. 

“ and I didn’t achieve what I wanted” I regret.

“ a monkey and a fish are competing for who will climb the tree faster, the monkey won, he will think all of his life that he is clever, he is the best and the fish will think that it’s a failure because she lost, in fact they both are great idiots, the wacky monkey races a species that can never do what he can do and he thinks that he won because of his great ability And the poor fish wants to fight against someone who is not like her in strength in something that does not belong to her, and she will not gain anything from it if she wins , because it is not her world at all.” 

“ A lot of wise words from me, and I think that I am the fish ? “

“ You were the monkey, you thought that you were good because you have gained a little amount of money and power that were nothing to the real rich men that you wanted to be from, that I wanted to be from, as I am you, look I don’t know by what language can I talk to you but I guess you understand me, I mean you know what I am talking about right, it’s all in your brain, I didn't say a word outside of your mind. All this you knew and thought about in the first place, but you refused to take it out and explain it to yourself, so this was your destiny to see me in front of you “

“ try to think of someone other than yourself” the same soft voice returns 

I remember her words, she is from the people who are arguing in my head I can hear what she is saying right now, i can’t stand all of that,                                                                The house was bleak, soulless, slightly dirty , the sun’s rays had not touched its walls for four days, and its condition was miserable, exactly as my case. I tried to think of what leads me to this, I think of my actions as the other me said. I really didn’t mention my huge love for all of them

Do you still remember us, do you still remember that you have friends?                            Did you know that Hans was injured in a major accident? I think he was near your house, but you as usual did not answer him when they called you. You were busy as if the world was revolving around you, as if you were running the whole continent. And I started my own business. And a lot and a lot has happened. Let you know that all this was 6 months ago, meaning that you have not spoken to any of us since then despite our many attempt And I started my own business. And a lot and a lot has happened. Let you know that all this was 6 months ago, meaning that you have not spoken to any of us since then despite our many attempts. ( A message from a very close friend to him it was 3 days ago on his phone ) 

“ Well, I think you agree with him ? Yes you agree I know, I mean you know that you aren’t the best version of a friend can be, and you make it worse by your carelessness.” 

“I don’t know what time is it, as you don’t know , but I guess that you need to take a rest you need to sleep well, to empty your brain. And to get rid of these tea packets that are around you, such a dirty place” the other me laughed with sympathy .                                                   The bed wasn’t too far, the bed was the sofa, I closed my eyes, I can’t feel anything just sinking into a deep well that is too quiet, forgetting all of the things I’ve done, everything. Just run from my reality, hide from the truth that I know, dreams are blessing ,you can have your own business, you can marry the woman you want, live the life you want, you can be a super hero, who can fly wherever he want, freezing anyone to make him stop blaming or screaming, disappear to hide from any unwanted situation. It’s all dreams, but the reality is that I am a big failure.

Some noise crept into my ears, I woke up from a deep sleep and hadn’t slept for a while, feeling pretty relaxed. What is this, a sheet of paper written on it in heavy blue ink and a very bad font, it can barely be read :

(Hello me,                                                         it’s been a pleasure to talk to you last night, It was wonderful to talk to a selfish and melancholy person like you, it feels nice to discover you more and more, so that my judgment on you is in order. I always wanted to know what the person was in the spirit of despair and determination together, laziness and activity, love and hate, You are so contradictory that you forgot what you want in your life, you lost a lot, but you can gain more, you can make up for what you missed, it’s you, only you and no one else will help, set your goals, do not walk according to the rules of this ridiculous logic of your mind because it dropped you at the bottom And still, you can continue, but there Will not be a turning point, move on, the good is inside deeply in you, there is a tiny ray of light illuminating something in you, it starts to shine again, don’t bury it by the surrounding darkness that is rooted inside you wake up, it is your life that you are wasting, And remember that I am always with you .......)

Signature: me 

I finished reading all this while I noticed my left hand was soaked in the blue ink and the ink tank lying on the carpet beneath me. I did not find me, I did not find it, everything has disappeared, as if it was a dream, but I am sure that I spoke to him and saw him in front of me, whatever if this was a dream it is the best dreams and if it was a hallucination of my mind I enjoyed it, I hope to see you again,

I decided to listen to him, to myself, for the first time and may be the last, I took off the candle on the floor and went towards the window, a meter away from the window, finally I opened it, it's a sunny day, the rays filled the room, every corner is illuminated again, the darkness has gone, I mean it, i want it to be done,

Hello new me....