The Wish We Kept A secret

Hey there, it’s me.

I blinked at my computer screen several times, I could feel my grip on the cup of coffee tighten subconsciously. 

It was not the words that made my heart beat faster. It was the sender’s email.

5 years ago, on this day, she died.

5 years later, on the same day, I am reading one of her last emails.

As hesitant as I was, my curiosity was piqued, and in the corner of my mind, where all those illusions and delusions lived, a feeble light called hope appeared.

I moved the mouse pointer and clicked on the email.

It was long.

Hey there, it’s me.

5 years… 

I thought it would hurt less by now since it's been a long time.

Do you know what I regret the most? 

It’s how I avoided telling you what you meant to me all those years ago when I had plenty of chances to do it.

In fact, I cannot make up my mind to do what I am about to do, without writing to you, at least.

I paused reading.

The mug in my hand was scalding my palms without knowledge, but I didn't feel any pain.

Oh no.

That’s not right. 

I felt it, the pain. 

It hurt, but I resumed.

When I saw you for the first time in college, you were just a kid, like everyone else. 

But once or twice, when I saw you passing by, sometimes alone, deep in thought that made me wonder what bothered you so much, and other times, with a friend or two, laughing and joking around that I very much wanted to join in the fun, I always found you fascinating.

And I felt like I knew you before we got to know each other.

Then, once we met, I got the confirmation I needed.

Your gestures, the way you talk, your smile, your eyes, the way you sit in silence, it felt like I was with someone I’d wanted to meet desperately for the longest time.

But I didn’t dare to tell you any of this. I didn't want to scare you away.

But every day, I wanted to get to know you more and more and more.

I did.

I wish I did.

You told me, you are selfish, but you were the most selfless person I knew. 

You told me, I would get sick of you, but you were the one person I never got sick of, even when I got sick of myself.

You told me, you won’t live long, but it looks like I beat you to it too.

It felt like there was something stuck in my throat. I couldn’t swallow, nor throw it out. My throat was parched, but my eyes were the opposite.

Without knowing, I had already started shedding tears. 

The coffee had gone cold now. But I was still holding the mug between my hands as tightly as I could.

You were that person I wished to spend a lifetime with, but now I no longer want to spend time with myself.

If we get another chance at life, be it just my wish, I would like to meet you again, but this time, stay with you too. 

I know, this must have been hard for you too, after all, I’ve seen you hurt.

I am sorry I wasn’t there for you.

I am sorry I will never be there for you.

If only I was brave enough to tell all these alive, how nice would it have been? 

If I could hear your reply, what would it be?

But I am not brave, my friend. I am a coward who couldn’t even bring myself to look at me in the mirror the past few days. 

All of those things you said about yourself, were actually me.

Now, I have one last favor to ask of you.

If you read this until now, take this as my last wish and my last words.

Delete this email, and let the words in your memory fade with time, don’t linger a day more on this, go, enjoy your life, and catch your dreams.

On the way, you will meet someone who will be willing to accompany such a beautiful soul like you, make me proud, and show me what I lost by being such a coward. 

Then, I wish you well.

Yours sincerely,

M:)

That was it.

The letter ‘M’ with a :) was something I came up with for her. I remember showing it off as if it was something clever and out of this world, and I remember her looking at the sketch in such an odd manner, not in a bad way though, now I understand.

She smiled, and said, “Is this what you do in lectures?”

I laughed playfully, “This, and sleeping.”

Her last words were written for me, wishing me to make the best out of my life.

As much as I wanted to keep this email, and reread it, I decided to respect her last wish.

I moved the mouse pointer across the screen and hit delete.

It was gone.

She was gone.

That evening, I couldn't stay still at my place for whatever reason. So I walked to the park by myself to watch the sunset.

In the fall, the park took on an entirely different atmosphere; full of nostalgia, and melancholy. 

I sat on an empty bench to look at the falling leaves, feel the cold wind and the rays of the sun which did not give off its usual warmth.

There were families, couples, and friends out in the park, some resting, some having loud and delightful conversations, some playing around.

She wanted me to forget her last words, but they were engraved in my heart.

I know some will fade away with time, but I also know most of those will last until my heart stops beating.

And, for the rest of my life, I'd be wishing I told my side of the story too.

That, though she will never know, I’ve felt the same about her, and it didn't change, even when she had gone from this world.

I too wish, in another life, we will meet again. 

I too wish, in another life, we will stay with each other as long as our fate permits us to be.