to Whom it May Concern: PART FOUR

TWIMC...FOUR

Today is a new start.

To new beginnings.

Hello.

24-27.

9:52 to go.

31-34.

We are going to lose.

We lost.

Too, too bad, Detroit. Sorry boys. All of you.

Ok.

It’s sad.

But it’s over.

Onto a new year in many ways, but one.

.

Trevor called me this morning to wish me happy birthday. And to say that he couldn’t come over because of some reason or another. Birthdays are getting old. She would rather be at home. He’s still planning on taking her to the golfing range on Sunday. She told Logan and Megan that and asked them if they wanted to go also and, yay. A family fun day. On a Sunday. They took her to lunch at the Olive Garden. Perfect. Good food. Conversation. They each split a dessert, even.

Something chocolaty.

Then they left to come home and fall asleep.

Well…

Jason did. Amy went through some of her mother’s things when they got home. She got into the box that Craig wanted her to go through for pictures of Aunt Virgie and Uncle Eddie.

On top of that box, there were two more boxes. Needless to say, she hasn’t opened the picture box yet. These two smaller boxes held small, beautifully painted tiny shoes. Boots, high heels, slippers.

And one orange and yellow, flip flop. She put those on her dresser.

In the other box was tiny houses from San Fransico. San Fransico held a place in my mom’s heart. She loved it there. So did my dad.

Lol.

For a minute.

Yay...

Logan just called and he said Diamond is finally getting her nails done.

A pain in the ass.

She had broken a tooth a while back, so they had to take that out, and clean her teeth. It is such a pain to relax whenever her feet are touched. They clipped her claws while she slept. Logan sent a picture while she was under, and I swear she was smiling. That makes me happy. She’ll be happier too.

That will make everyone happy.

Freddie Krueger no more!

Lol.

She is out of it. And she needs a soft food diet.

Gross.

Amy had a good night’s sleep. Her desk is next to Logans door. And that is just too close for comfort, so she shuts down early. She is there right now, as a matter of fact. It’s time for him to get up, and time for her to get busy.

When Jason gets home, we are going to the paint store. There is a wall, which needs color. First, Jason needs to clean up the dog box outside. All of the snow is gone, and the ground now has little-big brown piles. Which need to be thrown over the wall.

But first…

Jason is going to be home late because he has an MRI of his wrist and elbow.

Lol.

He thinks he is going to get answers for his issues.

Right.

He probably will. He knows how to explain himself.

Amy doesn’t.

Obviously.

Done.

She wakes up, and she doesn’t know what to do with herself. One good thing is that she is not lost today. She would like to say, anymore, but she doesn’t want to count her chickens.

It could come back.

She doesn’t know.

Not knowing was awful and she still doesn’t know. That’s why she did this. To keep up with her symptoms of what was and/or what is happening. She thought that she was smart. Having something to look back on to help with her memory.

Which in turn would help the others.

Was she crazy?

Was she delirious?

Was she wrong?

I’m sure.

But I would like another point of view from outside, of the circle. See if someone else can see what I see-saw-heard-felt- BELIEVE. Was she nuts? Having a menopausal breakdown? In, part. Yes, maybe. That is Jason’s answer. Typical. But what is the reason she laid on the stinky carpet reaching for the river, listening???

Jason was listening when I told him that I wanted to go see the movie Argyle. It was okay. It was long. Aaron called when she was in the theatre, and she didn’t answer. She didn’t call him back either.

She was in no mood. She knows what today is.

Today is Groundhogs Day.

I need to call Aaron. Painting is either before or after.

Probably after.

Plus, they sell candy at the hardware store.

Two birds, one stone.

Yah.

Paint tomorrow.

Maybe. Rod and Marcia come over early for food, conversation, and cards. Maybe Rummicube. It’s been a while. We can paint after they leave. They are coming early and leaving early this week. Rod has to work on Sunday. Hopefully, things will be good between them. They have their shit, too. The same shit, I’m sure. Seriously. Rod went golfing, too.

I have no, regrets.

I feel…

I am.

I am proud of myself.

I painted my nails last night. Dark, dark red. Almost, black. But not quite. And she didn’t make a mess. She needs to paint her nails at her desk. That is where she is super, careful not to drop one drip.

Plus, it was late.

She was alone except for Diamond at her feet. And the music was on. She was in her Zen. She ended up putting herself down sometime around four. AM. Est.

She was up at nine ready to start the day.

4-1.

Forty-one degrees. And, sunny.

Jason will be cold when he does stuff outside and off of the porch.

Amy is not, going to step off. She needs to clean things in her area anyway. Things like sweep her spot. And move the grill to the other side of the porch. Lol. And fill the water bowl. A daily chore. I don’t know what her issue is. She still won’t drink water from inside. Fresh water.

The bird feeders are empty too. It’s about time to clean under the feeders. It’s going to be an early spring. She doesn’t want the weeds. Sunflowers, ok. Weeds, no. And it’s only February.

(Thinking ahead.)

Amy is thinking that it’s during the weekend.

She can feel it, every weekend. Disconnect, and discontent. It’s a typical reaction. But she is not going to let that happen this weekend. Rod and Marcia cancelled. Maricia was feeling a little under the weather. We are going to the range with the boys tomorrow anyway.

Early tomorrow.

We are also going out to lunch.

Food, food, food.

We need to be home in time for Jason’s sleep, so next week, pork chops. Tonight, it’s just the two of us so we are going to have ribeye’s. Yep. We splurged.

We took a nice long ride with the dog to the meat market in Addison. A sunny day. Amy left her sunglasses at home, so she squinted, the whole way. She did see MIS as they drove by.

Somewhat.

Is her life boring?

No...

If it were boring, that would mean that she would want to go out and do stuff. She doesn’t want to go out.

There are people out there.

But.

But there is nobody here. Besides me and Jason. I love the kids dearly. But do I wish they were here? No. Not for any other reason, but for them to grow. All, of them.

3:13 AM.

Amy texted Amy from Kentucky last night in hopes to catch up a little and have a bit of a conversation. Keep the family ties close(r). Be it through texting. By the time Amy texted back, Amy was on the couch. Passed out. I’ve got a billion things going through my mind.

Jumbles.

She thinks of all of these things and gets it planned out in her head. By the time she gets ready to execute, it’s gone.

So, she goes to her spot and forces herself to remember what she was trying to do.

Same, old. Same old.

She might call Amy later today. She will probably text her, but it is a genuine thought.

Yah, she’s going to text.

After…

They go to the golfing range.

(40 degrees.)

She’ll need gloves and a hat. She might be able to hit the ball harder if she wears gloves to keep her wrist from turning. Or maybe a weak wrist is what helps her to hit the ball straight. Who knows.

It will be a fun day. Logan’s birthday is tomorrow so they can flip him a few bucks before they leave to come home. Speaking of…I woke up early with Diamond smothering me. Glad her talons have been sawed off. Now she can sleep next to me without scratching me up. Her breath smells better too.

Not that it smelled good, but she had them brushed and cleaned.

It’s like puppy breath. But it’s not.

Yep.

Diamond has dog breath.

Just like Aaron. UK.

I am halfway listening to a program that Jason’s watching. About how WW11 began. And how it developed into a full, scale battle. That stuff is all over the learning stations. Whenever something is happening in the world, all of the learning stations bring the watchers up to date.

Putting fear into their minds. Reminding them of how it started and who started it.

It seems like it is happening again.

Ever since the turn of the century. It keeps on turning.

Example…

Amy’s mind is spinning.

She has things she could be doing.

There are things that she should be doing.

She doesn’t want to wait until July. She’ll be different. She won’t remember, and she needs to remember. In fact, she forgot half already. All she knows is that she doesn’t want to talk to any other doctor, but her. And her therapy doctors.

Oh. And Dr. K. She is seeing him next week. He has a cavity to fill.

Great.

Little, big. It doesn’t matter. It’s not the size of the cavity that’s the problem. It’s the length of the needle. She needs to make an appointment with her head doctors too. It’s time. She hasn’t spoken with them since her mother died and she went back to Arizona. She needs to get her mind straight on her feelings.

That means she is unbalanced.

Lol.

Maybe, a little.

She in no way wants to go back. Even if she could do it differently, the outcome would be the same. I will still be here right now, at this moment. Maybe.

I used to never believe my mom and dad when they would say that they would, never do it again.

Why, why, why?

I didn’t understand until I grew up. Yes Jason. I grew up already. Still doing it as a matter of fact. I now understand. The negative aspects of our past, the regrets, the mistakes, they outweigh the things I would want to stay the same.

Who knows where I will be. Wherever it was, I would be lost.

Lost…

I know I wouldn’t be here, freezing cold. I would have turned the heater on.

I’m irritated.

No reason. Just irritable. I’m irritated with myself. I started a project that I don’t want to finish. It is too late. And I’m here, not over there.

Over there, sits a box that I told Craig I would go through for him. It’s a box of old pictures. Old-old pictures. I had to go through and separate. There was a lot of miscellaneous that I don’t know who, nor where.

When my desk trash begins to overflow, I put it up. There were a lot of snapshots of her dad. He was so handsome. I’m guessing 1965.

They were married on the fifteenth of January. Aaron came along that spring.

I know Aaron would want those.

There were about five or six of me when I was in the hospital. I look so young. Even with a tube up my nose. Lol.

That tube.

I didn’t feel it go in. But when the doctor pulled it out, I felt it. I remember.

I just don’t have the words to explain it.

There were two, with Joe. It proves that he was there.

I used to think he was such a good-looking kid. He was actually an ugly little boy.

Fuck, no.

I don’t want to go back.

Last night she was going through pictures again. She was finishing the project she was working on for Craig. The pictures and stuff that Amy told him that she brought home from her mother’s. He wants to see the ones from his side of the family. His mother is Amy’s blood grandmother’s sister. It was quite interesting. Seeing a long-ago time. Some of them are black and white. And a few so old it’s like they are from back in the 1800’s with cardboard backing.

There were pictures from all over.

Completely disorganized btw.

Anyway, there were a few pics of 1988. Of Amy, while she was in the hospital. Boy, does she look young. She had a half-shaved head and a tube up her nose, but she looked like a baby. Not one wrinkle, nor crease. Hmmm...

This is the funny part...

She started to take pics of her pics on her phone...

She wanted to send them off and get it over with. I gave them my word. Aaron will be happy to get them, and she hasn’t heard from Craig. She tried calling, but to no avail. Among some of these pictures, were pictures of Amy while she was in the hospital. She looked like a baby.

She was a baby.

Nineteen.

Joe was in them too. I think he was 19 or 20, almost twelve. She was doing this until Jason got up for work. She had pictures everywhere. On her desk sat a few of her hospital days. I wonder if these pictures would have been any proof to the people outside. Huh.

Joe…

Jason saw those. Well Amy, showed them to him. She doesn’t really know why. Maybe to share a part of her he has never seen. She wanted him to see something other than what he sees. What did he see? A reason to shove his shit onto me. (Hey-hey.)

He was greener than green. Gross. Thirty something years ago. He really has no idea.

I want to turn the music on.

As above…

It’s almost easy to escape into the music, but something’s wrong. All the noise is in my head. Lol. It’s all in my head.

Hmmm?

Speaking of…

My hair is soft today. Yay. I can feel it on my back now. The back of my neck, back. It’s not frizzy. Not falling out either. As much. It needs some color, and a bang trim. Trim.

Thirty-one definitions.

Ugh.

Trim

Because it is getting longer.

Thank you, dear Anne. It has been two years this month. It has taken two years to fix a lot of things. Not that they’re fixed. My doctors still aren’t fixed. They all think I’m crazy. But things are better.

As of right now.

Not fixed.

Yet.

I have succumbed to the fact that I am not going to be able to gain weight Someday though. That reminds me that someday I need to write Sarah a letter. To tell her that I am sorry that I am a mess to talk to, so I am doing this...

Dr. K., what do you expect from me? I give you pure, honesty. Isn’t that enough? It’s too much for me. I don’t want to go to different doctors anymore. I am asking you if we can talk together. Leave everyone else out. I, listen to you.

You, hear me.

Please.

Work with me. I will work with you. Maybe a little erratic, but I have no severe problems that need a medical, team.

I don’t want a team.

They just confuse each other. Too much, and too different.

Besides that, they all think I’m crazy.

Amy really thought she would get something.

Today I want to join Carter’s. So does Jason. We decided against the Y. Be it geared towards young families. We don’t need a sitter. We are not joining a team with thirty somethings, plus two.

Nope.

Been there done that. Not going back.

And I’m not going in the pool.

She wants to go in a pool, maybe. But she wants to swim in the pool by herself. There is always somebody in front of her. Holding the people behind her up while they breathe down her neck. They will probably do nothing.

She hopes that they do nothing.

Money that doesn’t need to be spent on a whim.

She has been caught in this gym before. And she was younger then. She wanted to get involved with the thirty somethings.

She was thirty something once.

The membership(s) began to wear thin after two, maybe three months. Why? She just stops. Something else will catch her mind. This is after they signed their life away with a one-year contract.

And they take payment through the bank, so you cannot quit.

But Amy can.

Ugh.

She doesn’t want to do this again. She wants to go outside. Fifty-one today. 5-1. This is the warmest it’s been all year so far. It’s going to be sunny also. Which makes for a beautiful day. Jason needs to put away some Christmas lights, finally.

After stepping out, she decided that she will go out at about 4pm. EST. That’s when the sun shines down on the correct side. She doesn’t want to go very far. Just off the steps.

Maybe. Tomorrow is supposed to be ten degrees warmer.

We’ll see.

Jason wants to fix the speakers in the Jeep. He finally got tired of hearing only half of the music. It does seem like it’s getting worse.

By the way…

Aaron said no. I don’t want to help you.

We need a break.

It’s been years…

To be continued…TW