Better late than not at all

It had been so long, so why did I care so much?

           Four years ago the love of my life drove away and I didn’t think I would ever see him again. He left two years worth of memories, an engagement ring, and so many broken promises in his wake. And yet I never gave up hope. It didn’t matter how many breakup songs I listened to, how many sad letters I wrote but never sent, or how much I begged for the ache in my heart to end so I could let him go, Issac Kellan would always hold a place in my heart.

           A small part of my fragile, hopeful heart always longed that he would come back. Like my knight in a shining white Toyota he would roll up and whisk me away into the sunset. But this is real life. I am Alyssa Green and I am all too fragile. I am like a China doll on a shelf, praying that someone careless won’t walk by and accidentally knock me off, sending me careening towards the unforgiving wooden floor, shattering my poor broken heart.

           Issac was the kind of guy girls dreamed about. Tall, handsome, with a shaggy mop of red hair he never quite knew what to do with. He could play the guitar, draw, and had an insatiable sense of adventure. We had spent every day together until one day he decided I wasn’t enough for him. There was something better out there, and he had to go chase it. Issac had always been a dreamer with his head in the stars. There were so many nights we would spend sitting in the bed of his truck together pointing out the constellations and naming made up ones together. We had our problems, but so does everyone. When he drove away that fateful day, leaving me standing alone and heartbroken in my driveway, I never let go of that small thread of hope. That is, until today.

           He’s engaged. To someone else. When I opened my phone this morning and I saw their engagement pictures posted on social media I physically felt my heart break. I pray, dear reader, that this is a pain you never have to experience. When I saw their picture together I knew, wholly and finally, that it was over. There was noting I could do and Issac was gone forever.

           But what was that small voice in the back of my head? I had always had good intuition, and most of the time I listened to it. Right now that little voice was screaming at me to go, go and get him!  At the very least, get closure! Sure it’s been four years since you’ve even seen his face, but this is the last chance you’ll ever get to say the things you never said. If ever there was a time to do something bold Alyssa, the time is now.

           I steeled myself and looked at the clock. Issac lived in a small town with his family about two hours north of where I lived. If I left now, I could run to his front door, drop a letter or something in his mailbox, and quickly retreat. That voice was relentless, screaming at me to go. There's so much still you need to say Alyssa, it said. If you don’t say it now it’ll be too late.

           I jumped to my feet and felt the blood rush to my face. All my life I had been the passive one. The one to let things pass me by because I felt that if it were meant for me then it would happen right? So why did I feel like this was what I needed to do? Say what you need to say, Alyssa, before it’s too late. There’s no guarantee Issac will even want to talk to you anyway, but it’s worth a shot. Either way, you get your relief. Quickly I found a piece of paper and a pen and I wrote. I had always been an expressive writer. I always felt it was easier to write what I needed to say rather than saying it out loud. I poured my heart into that page. I wrote down everything that I had left unsaid, everything I wanted Issac to know. Even if he didn’t read it, even if he hated me afterwards, at least I would have no regrets about it. So I took a deep breath, finally sealed the letter that contained my broken, beating heart, and jumped into my car.

           Then I drove. I packed up my little blue jeep and I hightailed it north. It was late fall, and the leaves were all kinds of yellows, reds, and browns. It made me think of the first time Issac had brought me to meet his family all those years ago, and we admired the scenery together. I felt a tear roll down my cheek. Fall always made me think of change. New beginnings, old pasts. Letting go of old things. Getting ready for the new. More tears began to fall and the road in front of me became a misty veil of tears in my eyes.

           I remembered the exit number. I would always remember the exit number. After two hours of driving I was winding through the backroads of Issac’s small home town again. Have you ever drove somewhere and forgot how you got there? Suddenly you’re at your destination with no memory of driving there? I think that was what happened to me. All I could think about was Issac. His face, his blue eyes, his strong arms wrapped around another girl. I cried some more. Why was she enough for him? Why is he the perfect man for her, but he couldn’t be that for me? What in the world happened to the ring he bought for me?

           And then there I was, turning down his street. Alyssa, what are you doing? The voice suddenly said. You’re crazy for doing this. Why did the voice change its mind now? I was so close, and my heart was about to beat out of my chest as I approached the last house on the street. There was his truck, parked in the driveway. That meant that he was home. I felt my heartbeat pounding in my ears and every step felt like I was walking through quick sand as I parked the car, opened the door, and approached the house. My hands were shaking as I stretched the letter out to drop it in the mailbox, when I suddenly saw something move in the window of the house. Someone was opening the front door. My throat went dry like sandpaper and my knees began to buckle. What if Issac opened that door? What would I say?

           A small blonde head poked out the door. It was Issac’s sister, Charlene. Her big blue eyes went wide when she saw me. In the time that we were together, Charlene had always felt like a little sister to me, having none of my own.

           She gasped. “Alyssa? What are you doing here?” She stepped farther out of the door.

           “Charlene?” I stumbled, nearly dropping the letter. I took a shaky step towards her.

           “It’s been so long…” she started to say, then she turned her head around, looking back into the house, as if to make sure no one was listening. She motioned for me to come closer.

           I quickly stuffed the letter into my pocket and stepped onto the front porch of the house.

           “You were always my favorite,” she whispered, smiling up at me with a big cheesy grin. Then her face fell as she realized something. “Are you here for Issac?” She asked.

           I nodded. “I heard he was getting married and I felt like I had so much left that I needed to say to him, so I wrote him a letter and I was going to drop it off for him in the mailbox.”

           “You’ve got to stop him,” Charlene said.

           That caught me off guard. Of all the things I was expecting to come out of this little girl’s mouth, that was not one of them.

           “What do you mean, Charlene?” I asked.

           “I don’t like her,” she said. “The other girl. Cici. The one he’s marrying.”

           “Why not?” I asked.

           “She’s boring,” Charlene said. “She never likes to have any fun. And she’s turned Issac into a bland saltine cracker. Our parents don’t like her either.”

           “So what should I do about it?” I asked, before I realized I was asking a middle schooler for relationship advice.

           “Go talk to him,” she said. “He’s upstairs, doing wedding planning stuff.” Charlene stepped aside and pushed me into the house. “Go!” She said more urgently.

           Walking back into that house brought back a flood of memories that I was wholly unprepared for. I remembered the first time Issac had brought me here, when I was so nervous to meet his parents who would one day feel like a second family to me. The couch where we would stay up late talking about our plans for the future. The backyard where I saw my first real snow. The tree we had a picnic under. Every corner of this house was filled with memories. Get it together, Alyssa, you’re on a mission. I rounded the corner into the kitchen and started up the stairs, where I heard voices talking in the distance. Issac.

           The hallway seemed to stretch out in front of me like a runway. Or an aisle. Every step I took felt like it shook the walls around me. The last door on the left was open, letting golden light spill out all over the carpet. I heard two voices coming from that room. When I finally stepped through the doorway I saw the back of Issac’s head and his dad, standing over him, talking about something. His dad’s jaw dropped when he saw me.

           “A…Alyssa?” He said, as if he believed I was a ghost or a figment of his imagination.

           “Hi,” I said nervously.

           Slowly, Issac turned around. All those feelings I had been trying to let go of every suppressed memory and broken promise seemed insignificant in that moment when I saw him. He was the only thing in the world that I wanted at that moment.

           “Alyssa? What… what are you doing here?” Issac said.

           “Issac I…” I started to say, but the words seemed intangible. They floated away when I tried to grab them as soon as I saw his face.

           His dad seemed to snap back into reality as he looked back and forth between his son and me.

           “I uh… I am going to give you two some space,” he said, and awkwardly shuffled out of the room.

           “Issac, there’s so much I have to say. I waited for you, for all this time and I… I know you’re getting married. I hope you’re happy, I really do, but there was so much I had to say before it was too late.” I said.

           Issac took a step towards me, studying my eyes that were fiercely fighting back tears.

           “Alyssa I… I don’t know what to say I…” Issac said, choking back tears of his own.

           “When you left that day I…” I started to say.

           Before I could get out another word, another breath, Issac took one careful step towards me. Gently, he cupped my cheek in his warm hand and took a breath. He turned his head slightly and kissed me. Everything in the world was insignificant compared to what I was feeling at that moment. Issac was here, he was real, and he was kissing me. I could feel his soft lips on mine, his breath catching in his throat as he went in for another kiss.

           “It’s always been you,” I said, pulling my face back slightly from his. “Even if you marry her, it’s always going to be you.”

           Issac seemed to decide something at that moment. In the past I had always felt like I could read his mind or tell what he was thinking. But at that moment I had no idea what was going through his head. What had she done to him?

           “It… it’s always been you Alyssa,” Issac said carefully.

           “What do you mean?” I asked, confused. “You’re marrying her?”

           “Not because…it’s so complicated. I wish I could explain it all easily. I moved on because I didn’t think you wanted me back. I moved on because I had to, not because I wanted to.” He said.

           “But when you drove away that day…” I started to say.

           “I had so much left I had to see. So much was left I had to discover within myself. But it all leads back to you Alyssa. Every path I have ever been on, I’ve wished you were there at the end of it. It’s been so long, I thought you had moved on as well.” He said.

           I shook my head, almost unable to believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. “I waited for you, Issac. All this time, I have waited for you.”

           Then he kissed me again, more passionately. More desperately than he ever had.

           “Let’s get out of here,” he said. “I’ll call off the wedding and we can just get in the car and go wherever you want. How does that sound? We can do whatever you want, go wherever you want, just please, stay by my side.”

           I nodded. I was unbelievably, extraordinarily happy.

           Suddenly I heard a little noise. I turned around and saw Charlene peeking around the doorframe.

           “Charlene,” Issac teased.

           “Is the wedding off?” She asked.

           I nodded and she cheered and ran away to go tell her parents.

           Issac pulled me in close and held my head in his hands. “Everything is okay now,” he said. “Alyssa, I am so glad you came back to me.”

           And Alyssa and Issac grew old together. They bought some land, built a house, and had two beautiful children. They spent their days loving each other and living life together, and everything was right in the world.