Memoir of a Pianist

"You've made it!" the infamous phrase that everyone with a big dream or ambition longs to hear. Maybe it's some sort of sick way for us to feel like we matter in this world filled with billions of other people. We chase this dream with a ferocity unlike anything else in our lives. We make countless sacrifices in order to achieve this dream, so much so, that it becomes an obsession. It makes it feel like our life has meaning. It gives you value and without value you're nothing but another piece of matter taking up space, or at least that's what I used to think.

When I was younger I used to believe that if you weren't somebody you were nobody. This was something that I had instilled in myself from a very young age by watching my parents get up everyday to go to work and do the same meaningless job day in and day out. They had worked hard their whole lives but never got anywhere with it, never accomplished something greater. What a sad existence that is; to be just existing and swaying whichever way the wind decides to take you. I, naturally, wanted better for myself and I wanted more than what I was being shown I could have.

So I practiced, from the age of eight I would come home everyday after school and practice playing, no, mastering the piano. Dedicating every waking moment of my life that I possibly could to perfecting my craft. I became good enough to be accepted into Julliard where I obtained my Bachelor’s in Music. I then went on to audition for several different orchestras when I eventually got hired on to be the pianist for Manhattan’s Orchestra. Where we toured all throughout the eastern side of the United States.

After one of my concerts I met this wonderful woman by the name of Ellie. She was quite the remarkable woman, she was an up and coming designer who was starting to make it big in the big apple. One night I had, very uncharacteristically, mustered up the courage to ask her out on a date. We went to this fancy Italian restaurant that had just opened up on Prince St. She got the fettuccine alfredo and I got the risotto, as we shared a glass of red wine with our meal. After dinner we took a taxi up to central park where we took a stroll as night began to fall over the city.

She stopped us as we were walking and started looking lovingly into my eyes. I will never forget her eyes, the most beautiful combination of brown and green colored eyes that I had ever seen. Although to be fair I had never really been one to pay much attention to the color of people’s eyes and dedicate it to memory but, with her it was different. There was a sparkle, a glimmer, in her eyes unlike any that I had ever seen before. She looked absolutely stunning, wearing a pink tailored tweed dress with a matching tweed cap of the same color. A gentle flurry was starting to fall down as I noticed some of the snowflakes started to stick to her face. I smiled at her and leaned in for a kiss. There, underneath a steel arch at the entrance way of one of the gardens in central park, we shared our first kiss. That was the moment I knew that I would be infatuated with this woman for the rest of my life. That my heart would belong to her for eternity.

Some years later we married and bought a house in Garden City. I had left the Manhattan Orchestra in order to pursue a career as a solo pianist. I had started off playing for some night clubs and then quickly started to do theater shows once people in the club scene had come to some of my shows and had heard me play. Ellie had turned into a fashion icon, with her clothing brand becoming well known around the entire United States and slowly starting to gain notoriety in the UK. I signed a deal with Decca Records and signed on to do a tour of the entire United States. Ellie wished that she could come with me but she had to stay in New York in order to run her designer company. I told her that every night after one of my shows that I would write to her and send her a letter to remind her of just how much I loved her.

My tour took a little over a year and the whole experience was nothing short of amazing. From the applause of thousands of people to being showered with gifts from fans, this was my dream come true. I enjoyed many fancy dinners with big names in the music industry, talked about music theory, and fully immersed myself in the only world that I’ve ever known with like minded people. Once I got back home from touring I noticed a sadness within myself growing from not touring and performing my music, and I found myself eager to go back out again. Ellie had given her best efforts to try and get me to go out and do things with her like we would when we first met in hopes of cheering me up but I couldn’t pull myself away from that world of music. With every waking moment of every single day all that I could think of was practicing new melodies that would once again capture the attention and applause of thousands of people that would come and watch my shows.

I had become so obsessed that I had started to neglect many other facets of my life, but none more important than the love of my life. We had started to fight with each other on a consistent basis and we grew to become resentful of each other. Her and I said things that neither of us truly meant but just didn’t know how to say otherwise. One night it got so bad that I had thrown one of our glasses on the ground out of frustration as it shattered into a million pieces. Neither of us got physically hurt from my stupid decision that night but I could tell by looking into her eyes that I did hurt her, and the once beautiful sparkle from her eyes that had drawn me to her was no longer there, as she looked at me as if I were some stranger. The next day she had packed up her things and left to go stay with one of her friends for a while.

Not too long after that we had decided to part ways. We had both agreed that our lives were headed in different directions and that it’d be best for both of us to just move on. I never did move on. Heartbroken and ashamed I delved myself fully into my music as I began to do tours back to back for years, as I had also begun to start drinking as a way to cope with my feelings. I was so young and naive that I didn’t realize that all of the accolades, gifts, and praises that I would ever receive during my career would never compare to the joy I felt when I was with her. It would never be enough to fill that emptiness inside of me.

Years later I had found out that she had remarried and was about to have her first kid. That started a downward spiral for me that led me to where I am today. Sitting in a hospital bed waiting to die as my body is starting to fail me. As I sit here writing this looking back on my career, my life, I’ve realized that if I had the chance to go back in time and change one thing about the trajectory of my life it would be to have never let her leave. To have never let her walk out of my life and choose my own silly music career over her. For at the end of your life it doesn’t matter how much you can look back and say what you have accomplished with your time if there is no one to love you and miss you when you are gone.