3 Steps and You're Out

“I’m leaving,” Cassie announced. Hanging her arm out the window, she patted the grey door of her Honda Civic three times. Cool morning air slid over her arm, raising delightful goosebumps. Her other hand gripped the steering wheel, confidently guiding the old car along the winding country road lined with dark green pine trees. This was a route she had taken thousands of times. She knew every curve, every pothole, every tree leaning a bit too precariously over the road. Breathing deeply through her nose, she savored the scent of pine, damp soil and wildflower pollen. Pleasant bursts of sunshine peeked through the trees, making her squint. She had thought about this day for so long, obsessing over every detail, and now she felt calm and eager. Even His muffled voice from the trunk couldn’t break the spell of her cautious optimism.

She coasted to a stop where the country road met the highway. The woosh of cars flying past broke the tranquility of the moment. She took one last look in the rear-view mirror, imagining her mother still standing in the gravel driveway of her childhood home, proud tears streaming down her face. Cassie sighed, tapping the clutch three times before fully depressing it and forcing the stubborn transmission into first gear. The car grumbled as it turned and accelerated onto the highway, struggling under the added weight of her life’s possessions crammed inside.

Rusted signs advertising long-closed businesses signaled the approaching exit into town. Out of habit, Cassie switched on her turn signal before realizing her error and turning it off with a chuckle. Off to the right, she could see a few of the taller buildings of her hometown jutting out from above the treetops. The grocery store, the community center, the spires of several churches.

For Cassie, the town hadn’t felt like home, not for a while. Not since college, when the world opened up to her through online classes on subjects like world history and environmental philosophy. Since then, the town had felt more like a pen, like the one her family kept their horses in at night. It was safe, with all the comforts she needed. But she yearned to break free, to run and stretch her legs in the outlying meadows.

He had kept her penned up. Like a wolf stalking the fence.

Not anymore, she thought to herself. Cassie was turning 30 years old in a few weeks, and today she was leaving the protection of her hometown for the first time in her life.

Step 1

The highway began a long, steady ascent towards a mountain pass. Up ahead, a sign peppered with bullet holes warned of the last exit into town. As it whipped past, Cassie felt a quivering in her stomach. One step down, two to go, she thought.

Cassie and her therapist had meticulously planned her “escape.” To make it less daunting, they divided her initial journey into three steps. Cassie walked through them in her head. The first was to make it past the last exit to town. Check. The second was to drive further outside of town than she had ever ventured. Nerve-wracking, but doable. And the third…well, Cassie didn’t like to think about the third step.

From the trunk, she heard His muffled voice, a bit louder than before.

The highway widened to three lanes. Safely outside of small-town speed traps, the flow of traffic around Cassie began accelerating. She drove cautiously, as always, staying in the right lane and cruising just below the speed limit. She glanced at the occasional clearings and small ponds that dotted this stretch of the road. She’d only been this far a few times, to reach the turnoff for some hiking trailheads.

As the road continued to climb, the hiss of static began flickering between the twang of her hometown country station. Then, hymns of a gospel music station began cutting in, creating an unsettling mashup. With a quick button press, she switched to the contemporary pop station from the city and turned the volume up three clicks. Static bass sounds thumped from blown out speakers. The hypnotic song beats welcomed her to the outside world.

The highway crested a hill, and the sky opened as the forest gave way to an intimidatingly large alpine lake. Sun glinted off the still, dark blue water. Around the lake, tree-lined shores rose steeply upwards toward rocky mountain ridges. Above, the cloudless, light blue-sky stretched out infinitely. Cassie struggled to ignore the scene and concentrate on the road snaking along the lake’s edge. The enormity of it all was exhilarating but intimidating, and she tried to suppress a growing sense of dread…

You can’t handle this...

His words penetrated her thoughts. Just an instant is all it took for Him to find His way in. She could feel Him now, faceless and featureless, sitting in the back seat. “Dammit Cassie,” she scolded herself, before remembering her therapist’s advice. It’s not your fault, she remembered. Sometimes He just finds His way in.

He had been around almost as long as she could remember, even when she was too young to realize who or what He was. Her first memory of Him was at her father’s funeral, when she was just five years old. His menacing presence prompted her to run screaming out of the funeral home. After that, anytime her mother would try to take her out of town, He would squeeze her throat tight, pound her chest and tear at her stomach. He had terrorized her entire adolescence. The medication she was finally prescribed helped, and most days, she could keep him locked up, in places where He couldn’t bother her. But today wasn’t like most days.

Step 2

Up ahead she spotted the bright neon suit of a bicyclist. This stretch of road was a popular training area for triathletes, with bike trails leading from the lake shore onto the wide shoulders of the highway. It seemed dangerous to Cassie, and she had wondered if any athletes had ever been struck by a veering car. She gripped the wheel tightly with both hands as she approached the bicyclist.

Swerve…Hit her…Splatter her brains over the asphalt…

She grimaced at His words, her thoughts. An image of a blood-streaked road flashed in her mind. Her sweaty hands clenched around the steering wheel, turning her knuckles white.

The neon colors rushed past, and Cassie let out a deep breath that she hadn’t realized she’d been holding in.

You wanted to hit her…

Desperate to fill her mind with other thoughts, Cassie glanced at the imitation gold cross necklace dangling from her review mirror. It flooded her mind with the memory of her pastors’ words. “The Lord, your God, is with you wherever you go”. It was a comforting sentiment, but it felt hollow to her. She had watched her mother embrace the church after her father’s death, finding comfort in the community and presence of God. Cassie rebelled against it. She’d hung the necklace at the insistence of her mother, “just in case.”

You’re going to hell…

Beyond the lake the highway led back into dense forest as it continued its ascent. Cassie passed the turn off for the hiking trails, and she took a deep breath as she crossed over the threshold. Two steps down, one to go, she thought. She finally allowed herself to think about it. The bridge.

Step 3

The highway crested a small hill and then descended into a forested valley. Below, a large concrete bridge spanned the gap across the mountainous landscape. She had seen it on Google maps, but seeing it now before her caused a shiver to run down her spine. As she approached, she remembered her mother’s warning. “The guardrail is so low…drive carefully.”

He died on that bridge…

“I know!” She barked, gritting her teeth. The imagined scene had played in her mind on loop for her entire life. It queued up now. Her father, in a rush to get home to his daughter, to her, sick with the flu. His tires skidding as he hit the icy bridge. The car spinning out, facing the wrong direction. A semi-truck plowing into him head on...

You killed him…

She shuddered. He was in the front passenger seat now.

Cassie squeezed the wheel three times. The world began to tilt. She slowed her speed, and a semi-truck sped past her, blaring its loud horn.

You’re going off the bridge…

Da-dunk…The sound of the wheels over the bridge expansion joint startled her.

Da-dunk…da-dunk…

He grabbed the wheel, jerking it and pulling the car right into the guardrail. The tires popped as the vehicle jumped up over the rail, its momentum carrying it up and over. Sky turned to trees turned to water as the river rushed up towards her. She saw it so clearly, for an instant.

Da-dunk…The sound pulled her back to reality. He pulled at the wheel, but she pulled back. It took all her strength to keep the car straight.

“Stop! Stop it!” She shouted. Her forearms burned.

Da-dunk…da-dunk…

Finally, her tires touched the smooth pavement once again. She’d made it across. Shaking, she switched on her turn signal and eased the car onto the offramp for a rest station. She inhaled sharp bursts of breath as she coasted into a parking spot.

You can’t–

“Ahhhhhhhhhhh!” Cassie screamed, hot and painful, her stomach squeezed tight, her head pounding.

In a daze, she threw open the door and marched towards a bench at the edge of a small grassy park next to the restrooms. Plopping down on the bench, a wave of emotion bubbled up from her gut. Everything broke through at once as hot tears streamed down her face. Twenty-five years of fear, anxiety, of Him, poured out of her. She didn’t try to stop it, she just let it come. It felt good.

When the tears finally stopped, she slumped back against the bench, exhausted.

The valley stretched out in front of her. The sun was high in the sky, and the river below in shadow. The scent of freshly cut grass calmed her. The sun was warm on her face. She could taste the salty snot in the back of her throat. The gentle da-dunk and whooshing sounds of cars on the bridge carried through the still air.