The Cycle of Hope and Despair

Warning: miscarriage and struggles with pregnancy

“I don’t know why we keep trying,” Yolanda said.

“We keep trying because it’s something we deeply want,” Thomas replied.

“But is it something we deeply want anymore?  I am so sick of this whole thing being so prescriptive and failing every time.” Yolanda put her face in her hands.  Her red curls seemed to swallow her finger tips.  “It wasn’t always so prescriptive, you know?”

“I know,”  Thomas laid a thick hand on his wife's back.

“We had fun in the beginning.  Remember sneaking off at Hellen and Ian’s party a few years ago because I was ovulating?  That is what I remember when this was fun.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t about the baby then.  I mean it was about the baby, but it just wasn’t only about the baby.” Thomas rubbed his hand up and down the back of Yoland’s pink sweater.  

“I know.  Once IVF got involved, all the fun was drained out of the experience.  Then to do it four times.  Four failed times.  It’s not fun anymore.”  Yolanda looked up and into her husband’s big brown eyes. 

“Well, when it works…” Thomas started.

“It won’t work,” said Yolanda.

“Well, when it works,” Thomas dropped his voice an octave, “because it will work, you will be the happiest mother this side of the Mississippi.”  Thomas glimmed at Yolanda.  

Yolanda couldn’t help but smile back.  It felt like the first smile she had in days.

The first time she did IVF, she was hopeful.  The whole time she could not wait to see if it would take and she would become pregnant.  She would spend her days daydreaming about the future rather than working.  What she wanted this baby to be like.  How she would sing to her every night.  How she would never let his tiny body out of her arms.  How she would dress it in the cutest clothes.  How everyone would gawk at how cute he or she was.  She didn’t care either way.  

That first time, when she found the pregnancy didn’t take, she didn’t leave her bed for a week.  Thomas was good to her.  No, he was great.  He brought her Thai and Chinese food, even though she never ate.  He would pat her ratted hair and give her sponge baths.  He was there for her.

But the second time Yolanda did IVF, she still had hope, but the dreams of the future were less.  She didn’t want to get her hopes up and so she tried not to think about it.  She busied herself with her work at her architecture firm.  On weekends, she would find social events with her friends.  

When she found out again that the pregnancy didn’t take, it hurt. But not as bad as the last time.  Yolanda stayed in bed again, but this time, she stayed over the weekend.  By 7am Monday morning, she was dressed and ready for work.

“Are you okay to do this?” Thomas had asked her.  She responded with a single nod with her eyes closed.

The third and fourth time was not much different from each other.  She felt less excited for the future and more involved in her work.  Every day, Thomas came home to an empty house and fixed dinner for himself, cooking for two in anticipation of Yolanda’s arrival.  In the mornings he woke to the shower running and Yolanda would be gone before he had a chance to brush his teeth.

When the pregnancy didn’t take those two times, Yolanda would have one good cry and then it was like it never happened. 

Yolanda and Thomas now sat, waiting for the results of the recent pregnancy test of their fifth cycle.  Thomas braced himself for Yolanda’s reaction.  The pair had gone through this before.  They knew how to react to the bad news they would surely receive.

When Doctor Tan sat down, Thomas noticed something was a bit different.  Yolanda looked down at her hands.  She opened and closed them.  But Thomas knew, the face of Doctor Tan was not the face of delivering bad news like he had seen on Doctor Tan’s face many times before.  Thomas held his breath until Doctor Tan verified Thomas’s hunch.  

Thomas smiled with relief.  He wanted to jump up and down.  He wanted to high five Doctor Tan and his wife.  He wanted to dance with the entire waiting room outside.  Thomas glanced at his wife expecting the same excitement.  Yolanda gave a brief smile and nodded her head.  Thomas frowned at his wife’s reaction.

Thomas pulled the car into the driveway and turned the ignition off.  The ride was silent, only the hum of the radio filled the car.  But at some point, that even seemed too loud and Thomas reduced the volume.

Yolanda opened the passenger door and closed it behind her, escaping into the house.

Thomas found her in the same position as the first IVF round, in bed staring at the wall.  How could two opposite things have the same result?  The thing they had been trying for years, had finally come true.

Thomas curled up to Yolanda’s small body and wrapped his gorilla body around hers.  He ran his hands through her red curls, again and again.  He kissed the top of her head.  He didn’t understand it, but he didn’t need to understand it.  His wife needed him.

“I don’t know if I want this anymore,” Yolanda said after the sun had set.

“But you always wanted children,” Thomas said.

“Yes, but through all our failed attempts, I think I talked myself out of it,” Yolanda said.

Thomas nodded.  He didn’t understand this change of heart. But he didn’t need to.  Right now, he needed to be in this bed for Yolanda.  Baby or no baby, his wife needed him.

“What if,” Yolanda said above a whisper before pausing, “What if there is a miscarriage? What if it has medical issues?  I am over fourty you know?  What if the child is some demon child?  What if it grows up to be a serial killer? I can’t deal with it.”

“Shh..” Thomas told Yolanda. “You don’t need to deal with it.  Why don’t we take this one day at a time?  Together.”