Unrequited

CW: violence, torture, murder

I’ve been meaning to come down and visit you for some time. You were always better with social interactions than me. As much as this can be of one, I guess. And you’re a kid, so there’s that.

You were better than me altogether anyways. I, of course, wanted you to be when you were young, like baby young. I imagine how you would have been as a man and the roads you would have taken along the way. You blew everyone away for the short time you were here.

A blessing. For sure. 

Blessings…

         Everyone says hi. They can’t wait to see you again.

Hang on… I need some gum… I think there’s still one in my, yup. Still had one left in my jacket…

Mmm… wintergreen. Your favorite. 

         Oh! The new Marvel movie came out. It’s good. I’m sure you knew that though. Your buddies went as a group with shirts they made that has that picture of you all at the beach on it. I’m sure you knew that too.

         Your mom sent me a message saying she was going to stop by and see you today. I don’t know if she has, has she?

         I’m sure she will. She is better at this that I am. But I promise I’ll be by more often.

I’m gonna sit down for a bit, is that alright? I’ve been non-stop for the past week or so. 

That’s actually the reason why I’m here today. 

I found him, the man that put you here. 

I got help from Uncle Jake after they let him go. 

Not using his name helps to not make it seem like he was a person, cause to me he wasn’t.

I sat outside in the truck for a few days and I watched him and his house. It’s a small house. He didn’t take care of it…

You knew that too…

I waited for the sun to set. In that part of town, when the sun sets, there’s no activity. No one moves around. No one goes outside. 

I went up the driveway and around the back. I practiced picking locks before but didn’t need to; the door was open. 

My nerves were flying until I saw him, then I could feel the rage come up like a burning matchstick. The heat rose until I just acted. I went in without a plan… stupid.

When I went inside, he was just drinking beer and watching TV like it was nothing. Like he hadn’t done what he did. Gone through the whole mess of being arrested, booked, trials, and all that. 

I hit him and he fell forward. He turned and saw me. He froze with surprise. 

I felt powerful.

He lunged for the knife on the table next to his chair. I jumped on him and wrestled his arm. 

He hit me. 

He hit me again. 

I blocked his third swing then he sliced my arm with the knife. It stung but I kept fighting. I kicked him and threw my weight on him. We wrestled until I was able to take his back and get my arm under his chin. 

I knew it. I had him. He knew it. 

I squeezed his neck. It was personal.

It was easy until I realized what I was doing. It felt wrong and I started to release him and then I remembered you. I kept going.

After it was done, I just wanted to get away. I ran out of the door but realized I had prints everywhere in there. 

I went back and cleaned up, all the while, looking at him lying there. 

Part of me regretted it, but I didn’t think twice once I thought of you. 

I dialed 9-1-1 from his phone then left. I wanted them to know he was gone.

If I messed up, and they caught me, they could do whatever they wanted to me as far as I was concerned. Any impression of a normal life died with you, any real reason for living.

I wrestled with it for days. Then Uncle Jake told me there were other three kids in the house. I didn’t even know… they were missing for days. I suddenly lost the little regret I had.

The next week, he gave me another name of someone that couldn’t be brought to justice. 

I tracked him down in a few hours and went prepared this time. He was walking from the gas station to his home. He bought cigarettes and a coke. 

He started lighting one up when I hit him with the truck. I didn’t kill him but I just knocked him out. A light tap…

I picked up his body… he was heavy, ha-ha…

Sorry…

I tossed him in the back and drove to the desert hills outside of town, about 15 minutes. I hoped he wouldn’t wake up or that I wouldn’t get pulled over by the sheriffs. 

I found a good spot and tied his hands. I guess I should have tied him up before we left…

He woke up afraid. I handed him a small shovel and made him dig his own grave. It took him hours. This is so twisted…

I wanted to know what he’d done. I told him I’d let him go if he’d confess to me… the irony. 

He talked, dug, cried, and begged for forgiveness. I wasn’t the one though.

He also took kids but he didn’t have any then, Uncle Jake checked.

Killing both made me feel better. Passing the guilt, shame, and pain back on to them takes away from mine.

But it also gives me something. Something I don’t think I want.

I would like permission to keep going though. This is a line I’ve already crossed. I can’t take them back. I am sorry for breaking this rule in life. Right here… in my heart. There wasn’t a need to do it for survival, just vengeance. Arguably no law of nature was violated, definitely God’s and man’s.

The bible says that God will deal with them. To be honest, I couldn’t wait that long. 

But I know it must be doing some good though, at least here. Kids deserve the chance too, right? A greater one?

I’m here to confess to you as well because your opinion of me is important to me. 

You’re important to me.

I’d also like your forgiveness. I’m sure with you and your big heart, it’s not even a question… still…

I don’t know how you’d let me know, but I can’t continue without it. 

Think about it… I’ll keep an eye out. 

I’ll be back in a few days. 

I miss you…