The Conversation with Rosemary

I love old estates, the history, the famous people and of course the possibility of ghosts. I did a little research before going to my silent retreat. You never know, even an estate turned religious retreat center, ghosts may find happiness in the nooks and crannies of these historical places! Maybe something happened before it was donated to the  Sisters of the Servants of Immaculate Heart of Mary.  

My research showed that the Neo-French Renaissance estate, was designed in 1927 for Victor Emanuel, a financier and industrialist; it was then purchased by Cornelius Francis Kelley, an industrialist, capitalist. This was at the height of the Gold Coast, and all you have to do is read the Great Gatsby to imagine the stories.

Anyway, in 1958, it was donated to The Sisters of the Servants of Immaculate Heart of Mary who established Our Lady of Grace Convent.

It must have been a lot of fun during its heyday on the Long Island Gold Coast.

I pulled up to the driveway.

I had my overnight bag, with granola bars, a bottle of water and fresh new jammies since I may have a roommate.

The entryway had double doors with the doorknob in the middle, and I attempted to open it, but it wasn’t going to happen easily. As I was about to knock, the door opened and there she was, probably one of the Sisters. I felt awkward because I wasn’t sure if I could talk or not. She welcomed me with a loud hello.

HI! Welcome!

OH, we can talk?

Of course, it is when we all sit down and get the ground rules that is when the silence starts.

Oh, thank you.

Sign in!

I dropped my overnight bag and began signing. Out comes another lady- this one seemed more in control of things with a name tag.

Hello I am Sister Jane, what is your name? I lost the other woman somehow.

I gave her my name, and she gave me a room number, but we weren’t allowed upstairs yet.

Sister Jane brought me into the library where I noticed two other women. Big fluffy chairs, with shelves floor to ceiling of books all about Jesus, Christianity and other religions. I imagined either Dracula or the Pope would come in with some sherry. No one spoke so I didn’t.

Hey, Hi! Psssst- it’s me, Rosemary!

Oh hi!

It was the first sister I met as I walked in the door, one that had the contagious personality. She smiled brightly and had an old overnight suitcase that was too full.

Are you a participant? I asked. It’s my first silent retreat!

Yes! First time for me too. I am not sure about this; I can’t shut up.

I was only slightly confused, as she was probably just too nervous to sit and wait when she helped me at the door. We had small talk, and the third woman began to talk too.

I’ve always wanted to be in a silent retreat for many reasons, the first, of course to get closer with God. That was a fib. I wanted to feel Jesus and all, but I desperately needed solitude. I needed to be by myself with no responsibilities and no need to speak to anyone. Because only there is where you find the space and time with God. So maybe I was honest in a twisted sort of way.

More women began to enter, some went to the formal living room, and some made some tea. Ah, the veterans. They knew the rules already. I wondered how Rosemary knew about the ground rules being her first time and all. I noticed one old man and I wasn’t sure if he was with us, or worked there, but he seemed to sit quietly in the shadows in peace.

Rosemary and I became friendly very quickly. I found out she wasn’t a sister after all. Rosemary invited me to go for a walk. We went outside and wandered on the grounds of this beautiful estate. We wondered who used to live there and laughed about the pretentious people, their stories and how they lived. She mentioned a few ghost stories and that murder in Queens at the time, the 1927 murder of Albert Snyder which became a movie called Double Indemnity.

Wow, I said, you know a lot of history about that era! We talked about our hobbies, music, and it was as if we were best friends from long ago. She said we were like day and night-different, but the world would be impossible without neither!

She penned me Doris Day, and her, Gladys Knight!

Five pm was coming quickly so we returned, cheeks flushed red and maybe a little too much energy for the rest.

We hushed to the living room, and everyone was seated in plush old chairs and sofas. We couldn’t sit together, and I sensed that it was the last time we could talk till it ends tomorrow.

Our speaker Sister Barbara began with prayer, a bit of Thích Nhất Hạnh on the idea of This Is It, and how to be ever so present of being, of kissing the earth, and feeling the spirit. She also said that in silence, you will think about how you are eating, breathing, reading, walking on the ground with gravity and just Being.

We made a vow of silence with Sister Barbara praying and leading us. I was quite excited and tried to figure out if laughing was the same as speaking. Rosemary nodded to me, and we both went upstairs to check on our rooms.

NO TALKING! NO LAUGHING EITHER!

Rosemary stood at my door as I took out my toothbrush. When I was ready, she whispered, let’s go to the other staircase!

What other staircase? I asked, following her. No answer.

We then went down the back stairs, the servants’ stairs. I had no idea it was there, and when we got to the first floor, the kitchen was right there staring at us. I waved at Sister Jane. She was startled, realizing we came from the servants’ stairs, but it was overlooked as she said, Hello Jacqueline, in a hushed voice, grab your food!

The kitchen was amazing. Huge, with a few sinks, a large stove with two ovens underneath. There was an old, very old black telephone watching everyone coming in for the buffet. I heard “mmmmm”, murmurs of sounds that were appreciating the hot food. The dining room was big and had nine separate dining tables, fit for a large group, like us having our meal. I looked around and there were statures of Mary, Jesus and others, There was a Last Supper painting as well as the Stations of the Cross.

For me, all of this is joyous, not the reenactment of His death, but Jesus gives me happiness and I don’t feel as solemn as the ladies seemed to be, as they crunched on their iceberg lettuce drizzled in bottled dressing. I was taking it all in, without explaining myself, asking questions or having to be conscious of anyone but myself through God. I was happy. I then saw Rosemary. She was almost done eating. We acknowledged each other with a smile, and I wanted to talk with her. I wanted to confirm that we’d exchange numbers after it was over.

I never met someone who was so different from the others. Religious people tend to be toned down, well, especially during a silent retreat. Yes, she may be kooky, but she seemed sincere, as if she didn’t know how kooky she was. She acted like a kid. I liked that, and the fact that we hit it off was important to me. We both were here for the solitude, for Jesus and such, and probably for the camaraderie of someone who has similar interests.   

I have always been a slow eater, and I saw that almost everyone was finishing up. Tea and dessert was in the sunroom.  While I finished a dessert that I would never eat, I realized that evening prayer was beginning.

The participants were already seated for prayer. Eye contact is key at these events, so I sought Rosemary’s eyes to say “hi”. Her head was bowed, and I realized I needed to get into this, and it was not a playdate for me.

Afterwards, it was free time, our own personal time. We could read anywhere, go to bed or pray in the chapel. It was only 8pm!

I was the last person in the living room, although I thought I saw Rosemary. Sister Barbara came to me and very quietly said, “Can you please turn all of the lights out as you are the only one left down here? I nodded, making sure she knew I dared not speak!

I later cozied up to my room, (no roommate), dressed in my new jammies and decided to read. Hours passed and then I heard the bells ringing. Oh my, it was 6:30 am already! Silent breakfast, here I come! I couldn’t wait to see Rosemary.

Morning prayer and then breakfast. The coffee is always weak, but I understand that most people don’t like it the way I do. People nodded their heads as a hello, and those who were finished went to get ready in the living room for more prayer before lunch. Yes, before lunch, so I watched what I was having for breakfast!

I had a scheduled meeting with Sister Barbara, the only time we could talk. My meeting was at 11am. I didn’t see Rosemary, so I hung out a bit after breakfast. I must have missed her. My 11am meeting was amazing, and we went over how I see God, the Earth and my happiness. She gave me books to read and blessed me. I cried a lot, because I was in a tough situation, hoping to get out of it. Sister Barbara said that I was a very strong women with lots of friends in high places. We giggled about that, and we hugged then prayed together. I felt so loved.

I asked her after my meeting if she saw Rosemary, and she said she didn’t remember her. Lunch was about to happen, even though I was still full of weak coffee and Danish.

I went over to Sister Jane. I waved and she said, oh you can say hi! We smiled and I said hi and asked about Rosemary.

Oh, she may be sleeping, you know, our retreats are for anyone who wants to pray, not pray, sleep all day and feel at peace.

I felt silly, I didn’t even know her! I went to my spot on the sofa for afternoon prayer before lunch. Everyone settled in and we did our thing. When prayer was over I ate my lunch in silence save for the loud chewing of others whose teeth didn’t fit so well.

Sister Jane approached me and asked me what the name of the participant was I was looking for. I told her Rosemary. She said, okay, I’ll see you later.

I have been to so many conferences, retreats and so on, and I never really wanted to see someone again like I wanted to see Rosemary. Most of the time I hide from people at conferences so I can be alone. Most people are not real, or they just want to hand over their business cards, talk about themselves and they do not care who you are. Rosemary listened to me, we talked and laughed from 3:30pm till about 5 pm the day before. I never spent that much time with anyone at any conference. What was it about her? She was a bit older than I, her red hair seemed to match her beautiful retro outfit. While I noticed that her old train suitcase was disheveled, not like her perfect persona, I thought it couldn’t be hers, being so well dressed and neat but I was just being the daughter’s detective again and stopped.

In my retreat notes, I literally wrote, next to her name, “my new friend:)”.

Prayers were over, food was cleared, and we could talk again, albeit quietly, as people tend to leave the retreat in silence.

Jacqueline, oh there you are. Sister Jane said. I hope you enjoyed the retreat.

I wish I could stay longer, I said.

There will be many more!

Oh, by the way, there was no Rosemary on our retreat list. We only had nine participants. Do you have the correct name?

No Rosemary? I asked.

She had red hair, her outfit was very dated but beautiful, like a new retro-style from the 20’s or 30’s. And we talked and laughed a lot till we went silent. We walked the whole estate and talked about Jesus! She told me not to be afraid of what I was going through. I was at peace.

Sister Jane, really?

She replied, “No one with red hair. No one with the name Rosemary. Nine participants including you. I never saw you with anyone either. I was happy to see you being on your own and I can tell you were very much in prayer mode.

Sister Jane…

Yes?

I…