If Only She'd Known

And just like that, 23 years with the person Stacey thought she’d spend forever with was now telling her he wants out of their marriage. Wait, what? Why didn't anyone tell her there was an opt out feature on this thing called marriage the whole time!? 

 Stacey met Roger at the tender age of 17. They worked together at the Stop and Save market and theirs was a story fit for any fairy tale. Boy meets girl, boy woos girl, boy marries her, they have 3 babies and they live happily. ever. after.? Not quite.  You see no one told Stacey marriage isn't about losing yourself until you become unrecognizable, it isn't about taking on the stigmatized female role and weighting on your spouse hand and foot either, and no one told her that there may come a time when the shine on the thing you think is forever, loses its appeal and all your left with are the fantasizes you've conjured up of how marriage is supposed to be.  Eventually, reality sets in, life happens, and the hypnotizing iridescent glow you once saw, fades into the background.  Two completely different people trying their hardest to do life because that's what was conventional at the time and after spending 8 years with that person, what else is there left to do?  So, marriage it was and Stacey was determined to do it just how she learned on tv sitcoms. She always had dinner on the table by the time her husband came home from work, she kept a clean house, a stocked fridge, and homework and bath time were complete. Did I mention that Stacey also had a full-time corporate job? Day in and day out Stacey went through the motions and played house , she portrayed the role that was expected of her of course.  Disregarding nights of complete exhaustion she would always ensure not only duties for the day were taken care of but also that next days were prepared for as well. Laundry folded, tomorrow’s dinner planned, school lunches packed, and clothes ironed all before she could even dare think about collapsing in bed for the evening. Stacey often wondered what happened to her before this new life took over. She would yearn for the days when she would spend hours reading a good book, or putting pen to paper and writing until her heart's content. She’d fantasized about the days she’d rollerblade in Central Park or sit at a restaurant with friends.  As each day went by, chunks of Stacey disappeared into the dark place, quietly waiting for her turn to come out and play but she unintentionally buried that former version of herself and anything that resembled that into the far end of the closet in her mind. There was no time for the things that used to be, it was selfish to think she could have time for herself. Stacey couldn't see herself as an individual anymore, no, she took the vow, she put on the persona of wife and that meant giving herself over completely mind, body and soul to this new life that many single women long to have. How dare Stacey for a moment yearn for how things used to be, that would be ungrateful. To see herself as her own person just didn't make sense. She lived her life for her family and sacrifice was the only way to do it. This was the life she chose; she just had to adjust and that was that. Little did she know that in the process of caring for others, pouring her all into wifely and motherly duties, pieces of her were dying every day.  In that lack of nurturing herself, she began to decay and eventually the one thing she thought she had control over, fell apart. So there Stacey stood in front of her husband in the center of their bedroom while he told her he just couldn't be the husband and father he thought he could be. Told her he needed space to ‘figure things out’, for whatever that meant. Stacey just stared at him dumbfounded as Roger took his self-designed 'get out of jail' free card, parted from Stacey with a hug in the middle of the night, and left her with a mortgage and 3 sleeping children in the next room...      

Lost time, lost memories, and loss of self is the evidence of a woman who tried so hard to get it right. She tried to make a good life for her husband and 3 little boys but along the way she thought if she did just a little more or gave a little more, she would be fine, everything would be just fine but all the while she was feeding the garden, she never took care to acknowledge the root. The signs of neglect were all there, the silent tugging in her heart, the exhaustion she felt as she walked through her home, the harsh attitude she’d have toward life, the dullness in her eyes, the lines around her mouth that once harbored smiles, all of it signs of a woman extended to her limit. If only she’d known she didn't have to let herself wither away, if only she’d known it was ok to give herself permission to enjoy the pleasures she once had, if only she'd been told its ok if the house is a little messy from time to time or that it was ok if laundry didn't get done in one day.  Isn't it like women to give and give to everyone but themselves?  To ignore the signs our bodies give us to slow down and just take a breath because there's simply no time? To let ourselves morph into robots through self-imposed deadlines. 

Stacey may have lost time and her marriage, but of most value, she lost herself in the process of it all. It was going to take some work to get back to the person she lost long ago but once she'd find her, she would vow to never lose her again...