The Good Side

Trigger warning: mental health and substance abuse

My life consists of four things: feeding, toileting, dressing, and cleaning. I basically do the same thing when I'm at work and at home. This will be my thirteenth year of working as a CNA. It can be very tiring, but I couldn’t see myself doing anything else. I like my job. I care for all of my residents through the good days and the bad days. Lately, there have been a lot of bad days. CNAs are often busy doing their duties, but when there's some downtime, there are three options that come to mind here: eating, smoking (in our cars), or gossiping. I’ve worked at the same nursing home for over five years now, and I’ve gotten close to a few of my coworkers. Jamie is a fairly new CNA at my workplace.  We’ve worked together a few times, and she has really made the time go by faster. She has kept me entertained most of the time with stories about guys that she met through dating apps. I’ve always been more of a listener, so it has never bothered me when Jamie does most of the talking. Honestly, I prefer it that way. I love Jamie, but she has never struck me as someone who is particularly trustworthy. However, she confided in me. I have been going through inner turmoil as of late, and I felt the urge to vent for the first time in a long time. 

One day, we both had just finished working the morning shift together, and she actually asked if I was okay as we were exiting the building. I froze for a moment. It shocked me to say the least. I thought I had been doing a pretty good job at masking how I was feeling. “Something is bothering you. I can tell. What’s wrong?”, she asked me with a concerned expression. My first instinct was to just say, “I’m fine. Just pretty tired due to work and mom duties.”  It wasn’t entirely a lie, but it wasn’t really the truth. I opened my mouth to say exactly that anyway, but my voice faltered. I ushered her to walk with me towards my car. We ended up just sitting in my car in an attempt to avoid anybody watching us out of interest or boredom.

 “I can only think of one reason to stay with my husband: my daughter,” I said as I faced my windshield, slowly turning to meet Jamie’s eyes. I started to tear up, and a tear soon ran down my cheek. Jamie put her hand on mine and nodded, waiting for me to go on. Here it goes… Vulnerability. Maybe it wasn’t ideal to share this with someone I’m not really close to, but I was at my lowest and really needed someone to just listen to me for a change. “My daughter’s name is Brooke. She’s five years old, and I love her to pieces. However, I feel that she doesn’t love me. At least, not as much as her father. “Dada” was her first word. I know it may sound stupid for me to say this. Nothing is wrong with being a daddy’s girl, but it makes no sense in her case. She doesn’t enjoy being held by anyone but her father. She stays up waiting for him to get home late from work even after I have tucked her in.  One night, I found her sitting in front of the front door, just staring at it.” 

The memory of that night started to play in my head.  “Brookie! What are you doing up?! It is past your bedtime!”, I shouted as I started to pick her up. She immediately started screaming and crying. “No, I want to see my daddy!”, she cried out. Soon enough, he was there in all his “glory”. He was Brooke’s hero. We heard the sound of keys jingling and the doorknob turning. Brooke sniffled as a smile formed on her face. Her rosy, chubby cheeks were damp with tears. The door opened slowly.  “Aww, princess what’s wrong?”, he asked with a sad expression as he quickly picked her up. She laid her head on his shoulder, and he looked at me with a look of disappointment. I was speechless, but I was not surprised. We argued a lot, and unfortunately, Brooke has heard us fighting before. I struggled to conceal my heated expression. “Calm down. She just wanted to see me. I’ll tuck her in,” he said as he bumped into me while carrying Brooke to her room. I could hear her giggling. It is a sweet sound that I’ve always loved to hear. Sadly, that was a rare thing for me. It was all about her dad.

I broke away from the memory and wiped a tear from my eye as Jamie patiently waited for me to collect myself.  “My husband lets me down often. He gets easily irritated. Of course, he was not like that at all when we were dating. He was a funny, charming gentleman. Now, I feel like he does his own thing while I am left to do everything concerning our daughter. He plays with her sometimes, but that is all he does. Still, when we go out as a family, she clings to him. I cannot help but feel a little jealous. I guess I’m more of the disciplinarian, while he just lets her get away with everything. I always have to pick up after her even though she is definitely old enough to pick up after herself somewhat.”, I said.

I instantly got the feeling that I was sharing too much. “I’m sure you’re ready to go home. Sorry for dumping all this on you.”, I said apologetically. “Oh no, you’re totally fine. I wish I had the right words to say, but I hope things get better soon. I’m sure that your daughter loves you, and I’m sure it’ll all work out how it needs to in the end. If you ever need anything or just want to talk, please don’t hesitate to reach out.”, Jamie replied with a smile. “Thank you. I appreciate that. I’m sure you wouldn’t do this, but please don’t share anything that I just told you with anyone. Gossip gets around fast at this place.”, I said. “My lips are sealed.”, Jamie replied as she started to open my car door.  It felt good to vent, but I still had a weird feeling in my stomach that I had said too much. Oh, what a day... I was ready to just try and enjoy my next two days off of work. 

Three days later, I was back at work. My days off weren’t as restful as I had hoped. Last night was awful.  My husband can be pretty hot headed sometimes. He has called me demeaning names, and it has cut like a knife every time. I once told him that he forgot to take out the trash one morning, and that was enough for him to start swearing at me. His career can be really stressful at times. There have been several nights when he has gone out to drink after work, which only makes things harder on me when he gets home. Last night was one of those nights. “You stress me out even more than I already am.”, he said in a harsh tone, slurring his words. I couldn’t think of anything to say anymore. I hadn’t even said half of what was on my mind, yet I could not allow myself to say anything back. Especially not in front of my daughter, who snuck out of bed once again. I noticed Brooke standing in her bedroom doorway, hesitating before she started skipping to her father. His face quickly changed when he saw her. “There’s my princess.”, he said with a cheerful voice. It made me feel a little nauseous. A pang of jealousy hit me. I know that she heard us arguing earlier. I know that she heard him yelling at me, but she didn’t even glance at me. She was not afraid of him, yet he intimidated me. It was so obvious that she loved him the most.

When I went back to work, I started to get my residents up and changed before it was time for breakfast. The coworker I had for that shift was someone I had never worked with before. By observing, I could tell that she was very caring and hardworking. When there was a little downtime, we started to talk and share things about our lives. Opening up to Jamie surprisingly made me more comfortable with being personable. When it was time for my break, I decided to go sit on a bench outside since it was a nice day. Once I was settled, I pulled out my phone and began scrolling through social media. Two housekeepers were sitting together on a bench not far from mine. They hadn't even noticed me. It seemed to me that they were getting into some juicy gossip based on how they were acting. I paid no attention to them until I heard them mention my daughter’s name. I heard one of them say, “How can a mother seriously not like that her daughter loves her dad?”. The other housekeeper failed to hold back a laugh. “Yeah, seriously. I wish I had a good relationship with my dad. She sounds pretty ridiculous and immature if you ask me. It is no wonder that her marriage is falling apart”, the other housekeeper replied. I decided to be bold and approach them. I just couldn’t put up with it. Did Jamie really just put my business out there despite the fact that I told her not to?

 “I heard you talking about me.”, I said in a serious tone as I walked toward them. They just stared at me with a look of surprise and nervousness.  “You don't know the whole story, so I suggest ending it there. Who else has been talking about me?”. I ended up getting the name of another source who later told me that she heard the information from Jamie. Of course, I knew Jamie was the one who started gossiping about me. I decided to confront her after both of our shifts were over the following day. She was visibly uncomfortable as she apologized to me repeatedly. I told her that I want us to be cordial with each other, but I'll never open up to her again. She understood, and that was the end of that. She couldn’t come up with an excuse that would get her off the hook. Despite the gossip and rumors at work, my daughter was the only one weighing heavy on my mind after that.

I picked my daughter up from school soon after my shift was over. “How was school sweetie?”, I asked her as I glanced at her reflection in the rearview mirror. “Good! We had goldfish for snack time.”, Brooke said with a smile as she looked out of the car window. Can I show daddy the art that I made when he gets home?”, she asked with her puppy dog eyes. “I made a lion. It’s his favorite animal.”  I internally groaned, but I nodded without any enthusiasm. Brooke just smiled, showing off all of her cute little teeth.

  I decided to try and finally have a serious conversation with my daughter. We were taking the long way home. What was my husband doing that I was not? “Brookie... Do you really love your daddy?”, I asked while glancing at her in the rearview mirror. Of course, she nodded. “Have you ever been afraid of him?”. “She looked down at her feet. She opened her mouth, but she quickly closed it. After a brief pause, she nodded her head. My heart broke all over again. “When?”, I asked. “All the time”, she replied. Soon, tears fell from her eyes. I pulled into the driveway and parked. Before I knew it, I was crying my eyes out. Realization hit me. My daughter was actually clinging to her father in an attempt to stay on his good side. She had paid close attention to how he treated me. She feared being yelled at by him. She was scared when we argued. It was traumatizing, and I felt so guilty. “Brookie, I am so sorry.”, I said as I unbuckled her seatbelt and pulled her into my lap for a long hug. “I love you.”, I said. “I love you too, mommy.”, she replied softly. 

That night, Brooke gave my husband the lion that she made during art class, and then she asked us to tuck her in together for the first time. We did, and then we went to bed. The next morning, my husband didn’t have to go to work. I spilled everything that happened in the car ride. Brooke was still asleep in her bed. My husband was upset upon hearing what I said, but he didn’t yell. He actually looked really sad. He thought that Brooke really loved being around him. We heard small footsteps coming downstairs. I already had her breakfast ready. “Good morning princess, “he said while trying to put on a smile. She hugged both of us and sat down to happily eat her waffles and bacon. There was silence as we all sat down to eat. My husband was picking at his plate. “Brooke, are you really afraid of me?”, he asked. She stopped chewing and just stared down at her plate while nodding slowly. For the first time since we have been married, I saw my husband cry. Tears ran down his face as he told both of us that he was sorry. I was a bit taken back, but I placed my hand on his. Brooke looked up at both of us with a blank face. “Please don’t fight.,” she said as her bottom lip began to tremble. We both wrapped our arms around her. A family hug was long overdue. I want her to see the good side of life as a child. I’m willing to give him one more chance for her sake. 

Gossip is the least of my concerns. I’m choosing the good over the bad. Later on, I decided to seek therapy. My first therapy session was set. The therapist I chose had great reviews online, and I was feeling pretty proud of myself. I was starting to feel like things were looking up despite the gossip spreading about me. It would be good to open up to someone I know that I can trust. That person would be a professional who had my best interests and wellbeing in mind. It wouldn’t be someone who just wants to pry into my life and be entertained. She would be there to help guide me through it.  I knew her lips were sealed.