I wonder

I am in his arms, yet I have never felt more distant.

I listen to his words, yet they have no meaning.

I laugh at his jokes, yet it is no longer carefree.

I feel his presence, yet I have never felt more lonely.

I smile around him, yet I weep when I am alone.

I hear him say I love you, yet his words never seemed so empty.

It has not always felt this way. Our love was once young and true. Our love felt like the first date in the bed of his old Chevy with the sun setting and a field of golden wheat. I remember it so clearly. How I felt chills and the goosebumps that made my skin raise at his touch. The sun gave us warmth, but we still held onto each other as if we were frozen. I could hear his heart beating against his chest like a drum as I laid my head softly on him, soaking in the moment.

THUMP

THUMP 

THUMP

I sometimes I wish I could go back to the night in the back of that old pick-up when I knew he was my forever. Sometimes when close my eyes I can. 

Today I try my best to get out of bed. I avoid looking at the empty sheets on his side. My feet tense as I inch off the bed onto the cool hardwood. In the bathroom mirror, I no longer see me, but rather a different version of myself. My eyes are dark and my smile has faded. The realization that I do not even bother to put on makeup anymore sets in. I wonder when I stopped.

I force myself to take a shower. I lack the motivation most days. My hand reaches for the knob and I watch the water flow down into the drain. As I step inside, I am met with the comfort of the warm stream. I let it run over me, consumed in my thoughts. Suddenly, I find myself on the ground again. My face buried in my knees, which are brought to my chest. I allow myself to sob silently, letting the sound of the shower drain out my cries. It is the best place to do so. Anywhere else, he asks if I am okay. 

“I am fine,” I always assure him. I wonder how long I have been lying.

Eventually, I am done. I wrap my body in a dry towel. I never manage to get dressed right away. Most times I stay in that towel on my bed in deep thought. Getting dressed means starting my day and I can’t always find the strength. I always do though. I used to look forward to it, but things change. People change.

I find my strength in her. She is the reason I get up. Frankly, she is the reason I stay. She came after I got married. We were young. She was a surprise, yet she saved us in the end. From time to time, my mind wanders where we would be without her. What would change. If there would still be an us. 

She is small; however, she loves big. She is not able to comprehend why mommy’s heart hurts sometimes. She understands that she occasionally has to love harder for the both of us though. I wonder when she took on that responsibility. 

I give her hugs as she leaves for the day on the bus. On the way out he picks her up and cuddles her close. She thinks the world of him. That is something her and I share, he was our first love. He is good to her. I smile looking at them, thankful she is so loved.

She skips off, leaving us alone again. He tells me good morning. I reply in a chipper tone. He does not see through me anymore. He only sees what he wants to. He chooses to see my smile. He chooses to look past the dullness in my eyes where a sparkle once shone. He listens to the words I say, but he doesn’t hear me. I wonder when he stopped seeing me. We used to know each other like the back of our hands. Now I wonder where his hand has been.

I decide today will be different. Today I will make an effort. Maybe it is for her. Maybe it is for me. No matter the purpose, today will be different. I pray for strength. I pray for the ability to forgive. Then, I begin my new chapter. 

Doubts creep into my head as I pick out a dress. Insecurity finds its way as well. I have not wore anything other than my sweat pants in who knows how long with the occasional pair of leggings. Am I good enough for the beautiful dresses anymore? I am not as young as I once was. I shake the fears and talk myself into it. I curl each strand of my fine, blonde hair. I remember when I got ready for our senior prom the same way. He loved how pretty I was. I look different now. I mask on some makeup. I am surprised I remember how, it has been a minute. The makeup acts as a shield from who I truly am. I am able to hide behind it. I wonder when I stopped feeling confident.

I see him in the kitchen. I find it difficult to muster up the courage to ask him. I feel like a teenager again, nervous about talking to him for the first time. I take a deep breath and let out my words I have been holding onto for far too long.

“We are not okay. Can we make it okay again?” I feel the tears welling up in my eyes. His reaction does not take me by surprise. He is confused by my request. He thought things were going very well. Despite his shock though, he takes me in his arms. The same way he did that night. 

“Let’s go,” He whispers in my ear and leads me out the door. For a moment, I have faith. That is one thing I miss having.

On the ride to our destination, his hand clings on to mine, the other on the wheel. I stare out the window, still unsure. I hear him talk to me. He is complimenting me on how beautiful I look. He assures me how much he loves me. I give a smile. Maybe he really does. 

I begin to notice the familiar landscape as we drive further away. My heart skips a beat. My eyes are locked in front of me. 

“Here we are,” He says with a hint of sadness. In front of me lies a little pond with a run down dock. Endless memories of the time we spent here together flood my mind. From fishing to talking about our future together. We had our first kiss on the edge of the old dock and limitless I love you’s. He brought me here today. That means he has to care. Doesn’t it?

I shyly walk by his side to that momentous dock. He sits on the edge and pats for me to sit beside. For the first time in forever, I felt like everything was okay. I wonder why I ever doubted his love.

We arrived home that day with fresh minds. We sat together on the couch without fighting. I felt secure. Happiness cannot always last, unfortunately. My faith begin to drain as his phone lit up. I had simply went to hand it to him. He was defensive and he grabbed at it. My heart sunk to the bottom of my stomach. My throat burned trying to hold back my tears. I saw the name on his screen. 

The name of the one he had promised meant nothing. The name that broke my heart. The name that eventually cause me to not recognize myself. The name that made me learn how to forgive for the sake of our little girl and her happiness. 

The name that reminded me that I stopped wearing makeup because I felt like no amount of makeup could make me as pretty as she was.

The name that reminded me why I have to lie about my well-being, because I haven’t been okay since.

The name that made my daughter heal my brokenness.

The name that always made me fear that I was not the only one.

The name that stole my confidence, because I was always measuring myself up to her.

I realize that the name is why I doubt his love for me. 

I believe in forgiveness, I really do. He tried to gain my forgiveness, but some things just can’t be taken back. I love him, I probably always will. I know he cares about me as well. But how can you love someone and do that. We may be together, but it is for our family. My heart belongs to my girl now and that is enough.