And another one.
And then, another one. Big, beautiful, raindrops are falling on the windshield of my car and I cannot be happier. I’ve always wondered why people said that is a “bad day” when it rains; the fresh air, the water that refreshes your face, the sound of the rain that is so relaxing.
Just like now: I’m in my car, driving in this beautiful tree-lined street, and the only sound I can hear is the rain falling down from the sky. The street is completely empty, and even though I don’t want to arrive at my final destination, I love being here.
The radio is off and I slow down the car to fully enjoy the moment. I'm in no hurry to get where I need to go, so I want to impress this moment in my mind.
I’ve always loved rainy and cloudy days, probably because most of the time this weather is a perfect expression of my mood. Is late October, and Halloween is just around the corner; it will be a lonely Halloween this year. My mind always wonders around and imagine new scenarios, where I’m somewhere else and my life is completely different. I don’t know why, but it makes me feel free. Free to explore new possibilities, without anyone there to judge me or tell me it’s impossible.
A thunder brings me back to reality, and I stick out to look at the sky: the clouds are a big, black mass above my head, ready to hurl down a big amount of rain. I smile and focus on the street: the raindrops are much more than before and the branches of the trees are moving fast now.
I can hear the tires moving on the wet road and fresh droplets caress my face, entering through the open window. For just a moment I forgot where I am and I feel my mind just relax. Enjoy the moment without thinking about the consequences or the needs of someone else.
Then, suddenly, my mind returns to do what it so good at: causing fear, anxiety. “Why are you doing this?”. I found myself asking this question and being incapable of answer it. The more this question reverberates in my mind, the harder the rain beats on my car. My breathing moves faster and faster, and my eyes start filling with tears. The beautiful road suddenly seems darker and the familiarity of that same road hit me like a punch.
How many times did I pass through it? How many times we pass through it?
“Again, why are you going there?”. And again, I can’t answer that question. “Why are you so masochist? You want to keep feel this pain, that’s the truth”. «That’s not true!» I scream. My eyes are full of tears, now. The car goes faster and the rain falls louder and louder. The sound of the raindrops is so loud, and the thunders seems to be just above my head. The storm is bad and I should pull over and wait a little bit; instead, I continue going, because I can’t stop. If I stop, it’s the end: I cannot complete my mission. And I need to go there. For myself and my mental health. Because I need a closure. I deserve it.
The street I have to take is narrow and full of curves; I pay extra attention and I can see the rain falling through the light of the headlights. It’s a little bit calmer, but the storm is in action. I think the weather and my mood are perfectly aligned. The narrow street suddenly opens in a big space, where several houses are arranged in a circular way.
I stop my car in front one of them. The house is still the same: a red building, three floors, with a big garden all around it. I take a big, deep breath before turning off the car and getting off. «Okay, you can do it» I say to myself. As soon as I turn off the car, the front door light comes on; my heart skips a beat, and the anxiety returns in a big wave of nausea. “Deep breaths, you know how it works!”, I think. I run through the rain, under my blue and white umbrella, and when I arrive in front of the door, I wait a few seconds before ring the bell. However, I don’t really have the time to do it, because the door opens before I can make anything.
We look each other in the eye for a moment, then he said: «Come in, it’s raining like crazy!». I close my umbrella and enter in the house. «Hey, Vic» he says. I turn toward him and my mouth is completely sealed.
Here he is: gorgeous as always, black messy hair, taller than me, with his usual black t-shirt and jeans. «Hey» I can say, finally. “WHY ARE YOU HERE? This is a terrible, terrible idea!”. My mind still hunting me, but I can’t listen to it right now. A thunder broke the awkward silence and we both look at the window on the right side of the living room. «I’m sorry» I say «I’m a little nervous». He smiles at me and my heart skips another beat. «Don’t. Do you want something to drink?» he asks. A drink sounds wonderful, it’s just what I need right now. I nod and follow him in the kitchen. The house is different, since I was there the last time. The floors are now opalescent white, not woods anymore. And the walls are dark grey, not white anymore. «Your mom changed everything again» I tell him, looking around. «Yeah, you know her. She said it was time to change» he said, chuckling. «Here you go» he passes me a glass full of white wine. «Thank you» I reply, sipping the gorgeous fresh liquid. The wine immediately makes me feel better, more comfortable. I know why I am here; I must finish this job and leave. Forever.
«Sam…» I start «I’m sorry to barge in here, out of nowhere, after more than one year since…» I block, it’s still hard said those words. «Since I broke up with you» he says, in my place. I close my eyes for a second. “Don’t you dare to cry!” I say to myself. «Yes» I say. «Don’t be sorry, it’s fine. I hope you are fine» he says. His brown eyes search mine, and I look away. «I need to say you goodbye» I tell him, all in one breath. He nods, in silence. «I understand» he says, after a second that seems more like a million hours. «I’m moving» I continue. Deep breaths. «I’m going to England. For good». I continue and then take a long sip of wine. It’s almost finished, damn.
Sam is still quiet; I’m wondering what he’s thinking about. «Why?» he asks me, filling my glass again. «Why?» I ask him, unsure how to respond to that question. «I mean…why now? Why England?» he replies. I don’t understand why he’s so calm; doesn’t he care, at all? «Well, because…there’s nothing here for me. Not anymore» I say. I don’t want to hide anything, it’s useless at this point. He keeps looking at me and I can’t understand his expression. «I’m glad» he says, eventually. «And I’m sorry, Vic. Truly» he continues. I keep drink my wine, trying to calm my nerves. «Don’t be. I’m glad of the time we had together. Those years made me the person I am now» I say to him. My voice is strangely calm and tears no longer threaten to fall. He smiles at me and finish his glass of wine. «I’m glad too of those years. I just want you to be happy, you know that, right?» he asks me. I smile at him and finally I can look him in the eyes. «I know. Thank you. And I want you to be happy, too».
My heart and my breath are normal, now. All the anxiety disappeared when I told him that I’m moving away. I don’t know what happened exactly, but everything seems different now. My life seems to be back online, and I understand now that I was in a sort of time-out. The time passed, but not for me: I was unable to catch up with my life, even though I tried so badly. When the job offers arrived last week, it was like a slap in my face. All of a sudden, I realized that I need to get back on track. So, I said yes to that offer, without thinking about it too much. My anxiety hunted me all nights since then, but I ignore it. I need to do this. I need to move away, leave this place and live my life.
While I was thinking all of that, the rain outside calmed down, just like me. So, I return to my car and say goodbye to him. Forever.