What's on my mind when I toss in my sleep.

The night was freezing, it was the coldest it’s ever been in the desert. There was me, and there was Julian. On this night, Julian killed someone, the clerk it was. And he was killed when he failed on his promise to give us everything. Julian shot him twice in the chest and the radio an hour later was shouting that he had been killed. The clerk’s name was Sam and he was our age. A mere twenty-two. I remember when we left, SoCo was dripping off my lip like spit after a sloppy wet kiss–I thought– what a damn shame, that boy was kinda cute. But again, I was in love and when you’re in love you’ll do dumb shit. Anyway, this isn’t about that robbery or that boy who got kilt, that’s a whole different story on a different page in some different book. Nah this story here is about the ride afterwards. 

Now, I don’t know if you know but if you know then you know. The feeling of flying is all very subjective, right? One flying might be something else for someone else. Well, just mere moments after that boy got shot up, we were flying. One-hundred-twenty, one-hundred-thirty miles per hour down this little strip downtown. Julian was laughing the whole time. Now, as I think back on it, he was scared shitless, and I think he just wanted us to crash into something. A wall, a light pole, hit the road wrong and let the car roll over. I didn’t care. I was with him. When you love somebody that much…well shit, it’s a ride. A ride like no other. I mean, lemme tell you, I was ready to become an outlaw–shit technically under state law I was already one. An accomplice to first-degree murder–well shit, that’s twenty-to-life right there. For a while after that he really didn’t say much. We just passed a bottle between us–drinking it sloppily that tears of whiskeys were falling down off our beards making swollen dimes on our shirts and jeans. We were on some street, I forget the name now, I had the window rolled down and the city lights…well, lemme tell you I don’t think I ever saw diamonds so bright. They were splashing off my face with the chill air pinching at my cheeks. And yet, I still had one of the brightest smiles on my face. 

I haven’t smiled like that in so long. I asked him, what are we going to do now? 

Smoke. Let’s find a place real quick. 

Okay. 

He pulled the car into a park named after a dead president. There was a pond with ducks lined up all single file and instantly I thought of chain gangs, prison walls, rage, hate and anger. Dogs eating dogs. The things I will have to do just to survive. Julian sat on the hood of his car, and he was sparking the backwood. The skunk hit the air with a snap, and it lingered there. In the moonlight it looked like the smoke was steaming off our clothes. I told him I was scared and without knowing it I began to cry. Tears shiny on my face, falling on their own. He hit the wood real hard, and he grabbed me by my face and blew the smoke into my mouth and he kissed me hard. Told me everything was going to be okay. Crying into his shoulder, I said that everything was not going to be ok. We were fuckin’ criminals for fuck's sake. So? Was all he said. I never loved anyone like I loved him in that second. The night was freezing. Coldest it’s ever been out here in the desert and yet he was taking my jacket off me and my shirt, unbuckling my pants and I did the same. He lifted me on the hood. It was just the two of us steam just pooling off us looking like wraiths under moonlight. The softest of whispers kissing my ear. Lips like satin. He looked through me with his green/brown eyes and he fucked my world up. Time freezes, they never tell you that, when you fall in love, ya know? They never say, ‘hey’ the world stops moving. They tell you everything but that. Strange feeling. I never felt it again for anyone after that. 

Back in the car I felt like I was sixteen and I was free again. Julian was doing one-twenty down the road and for all that matter the car could’ve flipped or crashed–whatever, I was so gone, floating–whatever you wanna call it. I knew that if I flew out the window, well shit, at least I would’ve got to fly for real that time. He stopped at a liquor store that I have never been to personally. Told me that he was going to wait in the car. He handed me some twenties that we licked off that clerk. Told me what he wanted. Told me I had five minutes if I wasn’t out he was leaving. I walked into the store and there was an older Mexican man behind the counter and in a strong accent he asked me what I was looking for. I told him whiskey. 

Everything you’re looking for is already gone. 

Excuse me? 

Everything you look for on that wall there. 

Thought you said something else. 

With no time I grabbed the first lady with a thin neck off the shelf and I paid for it–tossing two crumpled twenties on the counter. 

No change. 

That’s fine. 

When I walked out the store, Julian was still sitting in the car, rolling up something to smoke. I get in the car, and he has some paperback on his lap and the weed glitters in the streetlight. He sparked it and we sat there parked for a while. Inhaling deep, smoke coming out of our noses and mouths like we were burning from the inside. The end was near, and we had no idea. Like I said when you are in love–time slips away in a hurry to get somewhere. Fifteen minutes, that is all we had left together. Time slips away but it is never forgotten. Now, what would you like to hear about? Fifteen minutes isn’t a lot of time. You blink and you can miss something like that. You blink and it’s gone just as fast… I’ll tell you what happened in those fifteen minutes. And I’ll start with my favorite part–the city lights that we rode under. Slashing over our faces. Julian was smiling a big, bright thing. I was smiling hard–my cheeks were hurting. Glossy tears. Lips dancing. Julian was holding me. I didn't know the car was stopped. He was kissing my eyelids whispering just how hard he loved me. Softly biting my bottom lip, he lets me know that he’ll never forget me.

You promise that you'll get to the top for us? He whispers in my ear.

He takes a big drink off the bottle that we had, and he presses it into my chest, and I take a huge swig. Now, there’s red, white and blue dancing on our faces. 

and there’s a glock pointed right at my temple. Move motherfucker and I’m splitting your shit. Out of the fuckin’ car! Now! On the ground fuckin’ now! Don’t look at us you fuckin’ faggots! 

It wasn’t him; it was just me! This is his car. I made him bring me here! I did everything!

Julian shut the fuck up! No! NO!

It was just me! I shot and killed that fucking kid in the store. Promise me! Promise! You'll get to the top for us. Promise.

It's fucking lonely at the top!

And it's fucking lonely at the bottom too!!!

Babe! NO! I was there too! I did it! The kid looked at me fuckin’ funny! I did it! The kid looked at me funny I'm telling you.

. . . 

They believed him. That was the last time I saw him. There on the ground, his face beat the fuck up because he kept moving and cops don’t like when you do that. I turned into an island after that, after they took him, I was never close with my ma, never knew my pa. He was gone when I was two. Julian was the closest I ever was with someone. They say to pray to Saint Jude. The patron saint of lost causes. Hopeless things. I don’t even pray to God, but I pray to Jude. He’s a sufferer. Like my grandma used to say, sometimes all the hopeless need is a hand. 

It’s nice when there's a hand to hold.

...

You told me all of this before, every time I call.

I know ma, I'm sorry.

When you gonna let that go?

I can't.

Okay...

My poor mother with her burdens and her ashes.

Ma?

What's the temperature outside? I can't tell from where I'm at. I can see frost on the windows.

It's freezing. It's the coldest it's ever been out here at least. News says the pipes might freeze I had to wrap them earlier.

Cold huh?

Yeah.

Ma?

Yes.

Do you still love me even though I'm not perfect?

. . . .