The Letter

Sensitive content: physical violence and suicide.

My hand is shaking as I finally put pen to paper. It’s been so long since I’ve handwritten a letter. But as my mother taught me, in a world of technology, handwritten letters show true feelings better than any text or email. And she’s right. She’s always right, may she rest in peace.

This is the right thing to do, even as I scrap the first sheet of paper. My penmanship has suffered from the lack of practice and clumsy writing won’t do for a proper apology.

Two sheets of white paper left. No more mistakes. I think to myself as I press the pencil to the sheet at the top left side of the paper.

My Little Champion,

My dearest boy, I need to apologize for my behavior. And I wish more than anything I could be there with you to do this in person, but I cannot. It is too difficult for me to say this aloud and I pray you’ll forgive me for this as well. I’m already asking for more from you. I’m sorry my dear. If you would, I would like to take this chance to explain things as well as apologize. And with all the hope in my heart, you may forgive me.

When I picked you up from baseball practice that day, I’d had such a wonderful Friday afternoon planned for us. It was the anniversary of your father leaving us and I know that you were having a difficult time.

My hand stops. It’s shaking again as I remember that horrible man. Leaving his family without so much as a word. That was when everything went wrong. It all started then. His leaving tore at the relationship with my own son. That was something I could not forgive.

I wanted nothing more than to reconnect with him. To mend this rift from my ex-husband's selfish actions. But from everything I've seen online, parenting a teenage boy is no easy task even in the best of times. But that wasn’t going to stop me.

Maybe in hindsight I was trying too hard, and I apologize for that too. I know it made you angry when I told you, ‘No’, you couldn’t hang out with your friends after practice. It was summer break and you’d been with them all week.

Perhaps it was selfish of me but after a long day at work, I was excited to spend the time with you. You probably wanted to avoid the day as a whole and me as well. I see that now. I was too set on the plans I’d made and in the future, I plan to be more flexible.

After dinner and dessert at Ramiel's you were still fighting with me on coming to the final part of the evening. Our favorite stargazing spot. We hadn’t been since you were young, and I thought it would be nice just to get away from the world and gaze at the heavens.

It was a long drive, and we talked the whole way up. The talk was a long time coming and it was healthy for us to discuss your father and everything else before we arrived. To clear the air, it felt very healing for the both of us. And when you started crying, I knew that evening had been the right decision.

Things had been hard for both of us, and a clean slate was what we needed. That was my intention for the evening, and I could see when you understood that.

I was so relieved when he seemed to understand the purpose of the evening. I hated to see him cry but I knew he needed it. He also stopped fighting me which made everything much easier for the both of us.

He also got off his phone finally, socialization is all they can think about but again he realized just how important this night was by putting his phone away. Such a brilliant child. He even left it in the car when I asked.

We arrived and it was the perfect night. Clear skies and stars for miles. Just us alone and the noise of the city miles away. You continued crying and I let you. I know the importance of letting emotions out. You are such a brave boy.

The night's warm breeze scented slightly of pine and juniper. Do you remember when you were younger and always wanted to eat the little juniper berries up there? We had to watch you so carefully.

At the cliff's edge was the view of the valley gulf below. The river was running down but too far to hear. And this is my greatest apology. I didn’t mean to send you off alone. That was never my intention. I never imagined that your father would show up at the last moment and grab me like he did. He was so aggressive it had surprised me. Why would he stop me? Why did he care now?

Him showing up and ruining our night had made me angry too. It was in self-defense that I had to pull his nineteen eleven out, the one he’d left behind. He must’ve lost his mind after he left us. I don’t know what his plan was but the rest of the night was such a blur.

I just wanted this chance to explain things to you. I hope you can forgive me for my mistakes, and I hope we can have a chance to talk it over soon. I’m sure you have questions, and we’ll figure this all out and try again soon.

I love you, My Little Champion,

Love, Your Mother

Sealing the letter in the envelope I press a kiss to the seal before handing it off to the guard's outstretched hand.

“Who’s that too?” my cellmate asks, “a boyfriend?” she says with a distasteful edge to her tone.

“It’s to my son.” I reply and her face falls.

“Oh, he’s the one in the hospital, right?” I nod avoiding her gaze as I move to the lower bunk. It groans as I lay down. “How is he?”

“They said he was lucky to land in the river but he’s still in intensive care.”

“You were right to kill your ex.” she tsks, “Can’t believe he’d lure you and your son out like that. What a scheming bastard. They’ll let you out for sure.”

I smile but she can’t see me from the top bunk now. But her words comfort me. They’ll let me out and I’ll see my son, and we’ll try again. With no interference this time.