If I Fall

The apartment was completely empty as I stood by the open window. The slight breeze brushed through my trimmed face as my gaze lay upon the city at night. It was a routine for me, I must say, that every time my drained body arrived home after a long day, my eyes would be utterly mesmerized by the view out of the small window by the kitchen on the 15th floor.

"Ronny!" Someone shouted and I slightly turned my head, sighing.

"Yes, dear."

"I'm sorry... was I interrupting something?" My wife ran into the room and spoke, licking her fingers. "I just made us some chocolate smoothies, you'll miss out if you don't come in five minutes, just saying."

I turned around.

"And why is that, Emily? I thought you said it was made for 'us'?" Smiles spread across our faces, and she let out an additional chuckle.

"You don't want to find out why." She laughed and ran into the living room.

A gust of wind strengthened for a moment, grabbing my attention; the closing of the window muffled the sounds of cars in the distance. 9 o'clock hit and the alarm went off.

"Come on, time for a movie!" Emily shouted from the other room.

I took the last look at lights moving down below. Mother's death haunted me for a while now, robbing me of sleep. I hated being grumpy and for the last week I reached the pinnacle. Although I always managed to remain calm and kept it private, this time… I didn’t know what to do - for the first time I found myself totally stranded in my own house.

Her head gently landed on my chest as she snuggled under the blanket. We always watched horror movies on the weekends, although I was not the biggest fan of horrors, but it was her favorite thing to do.

“This one seems so dull.” Emily said.

“I mean, we can put something else on if you want.”

“Ronny,” She said and paused. “Can I ask you a question?”

That’s never a good sign.

“What happened?

She got up and sat beside me, putting her hand on my face.

“Is everything alright? I noticed you’re acting weird lately.”

She rubbed my face with a comforting smile and turned the TV off, as now we sat in complete silence.

“Umm, yeah… I’ve been kind of meaning to tell you about this.” I gulped loudly and felt her intensely searching for something in my eyes. “My mom… she died two weeks ago, umm…” A ball was suddenly stuck in my throat, this time even three hard coughs did not help to get rid of it, and tears rapidly started running down my face. I never wanted to look like this in front of her – vulnerable… miserable. Her arms wrapped around me.

“Ronny, why didn’t you tell me this?!” She asked, but it was a pointless question. The last thing I could do was talk. My mother was the only person I had who was close to my heart.

Why didn’t I tell her, you ask?

Well, I was scared.

I was scared that she’ll know that my time is limited too.

…

“Brother?”

I turned around and he waved his hand at me to come by. My brother Adam was five years older than me. He put his huge arm around me, covering almost my whole back.

“Are you alright? I don’t see you around anymore, remember we used to bowl together? Where did you disappear?” Adam said.

He was my brother, but we never really saw each other growing up at all. He had his own friends and would come home late. Me? I’d just go out sometimes after school with my own friends, but he was way more popular than I was.

“I… I’ve just been busy with work, you know.”

“No, don’t give me that. I know you, you’re thinking about shit again, huh?”

He did indeed know me very well.

“You want to bowl next weekend? I’ll come.”

“Yes, that what I’d like to hear!” A big smile appeared on his face and he squeezed me as hard as he could.

“Did you say bye to mom already?” He asked as the smile instantly dropped from his face.

I looked onto the lake through the glass – the water was calm.

“There wasn’t a day I didn’t try. I can’t…” I said.

Mother’s funeral was being held on the boat. That’s what she always wanted and I never questioned it.

“You’re right. We’ll get through this, together, don’t worry.”

A couple of people passed by behind us.

“We were never together, Adam. You know what happened to mom when father…”

I couldn’t finish my sentence as Adam punched the glass. Luckily, nothing happened outside of a loud noise and a couple of stares.

“You shut your fucking mouth!” He shouted. “You don’t even know the half of what she went through after he left.”

His spite was obvious, it seeped through his eyes.

“You… you know that it’s because of you, right?” He continued, looking right at me. I avoided the eye contact, not believing how it was the same person smiling a minute ago.

“I hope you remember that every day you wake up - you’re a worthless peace of shit that ruined everything.”

My head pulsated now and I don’t even remember how I left.

“Yeah, go on, walk away. As you always have.”

That’s all I remember hearing behind me as I stepped off. I still didn’t know how one person could have so much hatred in his heart. I have not seen Adam act like this towards anyone else.

What if I deserved it?

…

The rooftop of the building I worked at was the only place I found peace at. Especially at night – the city lights, bright all across the horizon; cars down below, that granted me a piece of joy with the slight wind, brushing through my hair – that was my meditation. Sometimes, I pondered sitting near the edge.

What’s the real justice?

Was it justice that people still thought that I was the cause of my mother’s death? Something that happened when I was a child and accidentally.

She was pregnant at the time, I remember it like it was yesterday. I was only 9 years old and was always being brutally punished for anything minor - kept at the house for days, forced to sit at the attic while I saw Adam play outside and that was only the start. Mom was against it, she always stuck up for me, even after what happened, but father – he never liked me. I remember just having enough of it and the next time I was punished for not doing enough chores, I decided to act and ran down to the kitchen.

I always remembered this moment with tears in my eyes – she stood in the kitchen and came up to comfort me. Angrily, being a kid, I pushed her, not knowing there was something behind her – she fell on her stomach.

It was a blood bath. When father found out she wouldn’t be able to have kids anymore, he left. To this day, I couldn’t reach him and never saw him again.

Adam says I was too old and hated me from that day for everything that happened, but tried to forgive me. It was probably mother’s wish.

But, what if he was right?

I used to just get on the edge and look down at people.

What if…

…

“Ronny, come to the table, the food’s ready.” Emily said. The morning sun light hit the table through the window. She would always brag about how she made the right decision to make me buy the apartment on this side.

“I’m coming, just give me a second.” I shouted, as my hands grabbed onto the sink - that was the only thing keeping me up. “Oh, fuck.” My eyes locked onto the mirror. For the first time I saw him and tears ran down my face - the child, who stood alone, in a big house.

I saw him, somewhere in the depths. He looked back at me.

“Where are we, Ronny, huh?” I said and squeezed my eyes, although the tears wouldn’t stop. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry I couldn’t do it.” I felt something heavy in my chest.

“I can’t anymore… I’m sorry.”

I stepped away from the sink and walked out.

“I made us some toasts, as you like it, with peanut butter.” She said with a smile, that meant the world to me. I guess my connection with the world weakened.

“Amazing, thank you.” I kissed her and sat down.

“Everything’s alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, I just… have to tell you something.” My voice trembled.

“Umm… me too, Ronny. I’ll say it first if you don’t mind.”

I watched her reach behind her back and pull out a tube - it took me a moment to realize what it was.

“I’m pregnant, Ronny. We’re going to have a baby.”

It was a pregnancy test.

She stared at me with puppy eyes and it took me a few seconds to realize I was utterly and completely lost. I’ve never loved her as much as I did in this right moment. I stood up and hugged her as hard as I could.

“I love you, Ronny.”

“I love you too.”

After all was done, Emily spoke again.

“You wanted to say something by the way, what was it?”

“Umm… nothing serious, forget about it.”

Something changed within me, almost like it clicked. Standing on the edge of the same rooftop, looking down below, I thought to myself.

“What if… What if this is my chance to redeem myself?”

For the first time I wanted to live, wanted to live for someone.